Heart broken

I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.

I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.

I miss her everyday. My love.

Here sometime

I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Safety

I love all animals. I feel safe with animals. They want you for you and don’t have hidden motives. They trust you and they do everything to make you feel good. I don’t know what I would do without Kajsa. I used to have no strength and cried all day. Now I have Kajsa. I have to think of her and put her first. I think whatever animal you have they’re the best cure for any illness. I would have a deeper depression if I didn’t have Kajsa.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago. I couldn’t work or do anything then. I survived cause I was dogsitting a dog when her family wanted me to. I loved that dog. She felt like my dog because I had her often. She was there and didn’t mind if I was sad. Kajsa is wilder than the “rescue” dog however I love her.

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Think

-Mom I am in my thinking place. Under the drawer.

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-Kajsa tell me your thoughts.

-Mom the dinner you made. I can help you with the left overs. Put them in my mouth and they’re gone. Those are my thoughts. I am clever.

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Care

-I have infected eyes.

-You have.

We had to take a trip to the vet this week. Kajsa got an infection in one eye. It was itching and she couldn’t keep the eye open. It was filled with fluid. I had to get her help.

The vet said the eyes are sensitive and it’s better to have them checked even if you don’t know if it’s serious.

Now she has an infection in both eyes. It must have spread when Kajsa was scratching the eye that was first infected. I told her no when she scratched but I couldn’t watch her all the time. Kajsa got eye drops and the eyes heal fast.

When your pet gets white stuff in it’s eyes get it to the vet. That’s the first sign of an infection.

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Well

I’ve had to take time off. Kajsa had surgery a while ago. Not surgery but teeth cleaning at the vet. They sedate animals when they do that. There’s a risk with sedating that the animal won’t wake up from it. I know that almost never happen but you never know.

Last surgery Kajsa had I almost lost her. That was when she was neutered. I know that was more surgery involved than teeth cleaning but I thought it would be like that this time too.

I brush Kajsas teeth. When I’m depressed I don’t do it cause I’m too sad. It was those non brushing times that made her teeth brown. The vet said it wasn’t bad but I wanted to clean them before they became a problem.

I took her to the vet early. They said I could get her later that day. I couldn’t relax and thought they would call and tell me Kajsa didn’t make it. They called and I thought that was it. I was excited when they instead wanted me to get her earlier.

They said Kajsa was barking and getting crazy. She can’t be alone and I think she didn’t want to be by herself when the vet staff had to leave her.

I got to the vet and I thought Kajsa would be crazy but she was quiet. She was with the vet staff in the “office room”. She was calm cause she wasn’t alone.

She has clean white teeth now!

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Dog blog

This is Kajsa. I am the dog mom writes about sometimes. My mom is feeling depressed now and she can`t do anything. I said I could write instead of her for once. Honestly I didn`t say that I secretly decided to do that. My mom says I bark a lot and I thought I would bark some in this blog.

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I`m five years old. I`m almost older than my mom when I count my age in human years. My mom hopes every birthday will make me calmer but it doesn`t. I`m a crazy dog and we keep our crazy the whole life. We bark and run around. Terriers are crazy.

 

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I can be calm sometimes.

 

I have begun to run away, I said I was crazy. When my mom leaves the front door open without looking I run. I run down to the apartment building`s frontdoor and if that`s open too, freedom! Usually it`s not open and that makes me feel freedom is near but far away! You know what I mean. I can smell the air outside but a door is in my way. My mom says I will give her a heartattack some day.

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I love footballs. I could chase footballs, or soccer balls, all day. I don`t care about anything when I play with one. I can play with balls both big and small. I don`t get to play with little balls anymore because my mom says I won`t let go of them. I don`t care big balls makes me happy anyway.

This dog has things to do now. I have to leave you with these thoughts. Life is better when you`re crazy.

 

Aquarium

I came across something hilarious. There`s a swedish site where you can talk about everything that has to do with family. There was a woman there that wrote about her partner eating her fish in her aquarium.

The woman had thought about her aquarium was having less fish by the minute. She thought the fish had eaten each other. Then there was this time when she went to bed and her partner was up playing his playstation. She went up during the night and found her partner standing with a net by the aquarium. She saw him grabbing fish from the net and eat them. She got angry and they argued. She caught him eating fish more times and they talked about what to do. They decided he was going to buy his own aquarium with fish he could eat.

To even have a discussion about someone eating fish from an aquarium is crazy. It`s like I would find teeth marks on Kajsa`s legs and finding out my partner had eaten on them. Everyone else fights about money and those things in their relationship. Anyway he bought his aquarium but couldn`t keep his net from hers. He kept eating her fish. Then she added that her partner had finally gone insane and had eaten all hers and his fish. He left after that and said that aquarium fish was better in other places. I think he was insane to begin with. He must have lost the last of his mind when he stuffed himself with all those fish.

I laughed the whole way through. This woman wrote about it seriously and not only I thought it was a joke. There was a person who tried to help and not laugh and thought that it was wrong to eat pets. That`s the least you can say about this whole thing. If I found someone eat on my animals I would throw them out!

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Don’t eat!