Flawless

I know we all have this idea that everyone around is perfect. Especially those we pass when we’re out and about. We know how most of our family and friends are doing however everyone else seems to have a perfect life. I know that I feel like an outkast sometimes because I am sad and everyone else seem happy. I struggle not to cry at the same time as everyone laughs and have a busy life.

No one has an idea of how I feel. Everyone see me as flawless. I never look sad. I wear make up. When I tell someone of my depression they don’t know what to do. They have this picture of what mental ill persons looks like which is not right. There are those you can see suffer from illnesses however the biggest part of us looks like we feel well. I have a friend who’s more than beautiful. She’s depressed.

Affected

I’m trapped in an intense storm of emotions. Me and my therapist are dealing with what I went through as a kid. I’ve hidden it all my life. I never talked about it when it happened and I haven’t talked about it since. Me and my mom talk about it however almost never.

For many years when I was little, my mom had a boyfriend that was mentally abusing us and he was an alcoholic. No abuse is acceptable and not this as well. For those years the boyfriend was with my mom he was nothing more than a destructive plague that ruined everything. I don’t want to write much about it because I’m not where I feel good doing it. I can tell you I’m affected from it until this day.

This man is the reason to every mental illness I have. My anxiety depression OCD and social fobia is his fault. I’ve tried to get help however everyone has wanted to taget the symptoms and not the cause of them which is that man.

I’ve read your abuse stories. That made me decide breaking the silence. I’ll leave it for now.

Express mask

I think a deep cleaning of the face is essential. I do it more than once a week. My skin is on the oily side and I have to unclogg my pores often. An effective cleanser can help with lots of skin problems but masks and different peeling solutions help the cleansers to do their job. I feel like a cleanser takes care of the outer surface of your skin and a deep cleanser more deeper (hence “deep” and cleanser).

I have often cho(o?)sen grain peelings before masks because masks often requires a lot of time on your face to have an effect. I know you can put it on and do things while it’s on however I want to do my deep cleaning things while I do my skin routine. I’m happy to have found a mask/peeling that takes 2 minutes and then you’re done.

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NUXE Insta masque. 

It comes in a jar, it’s pink. It has peeling grains in it at the same time that it’s a mask. You put it on, leave it on for 2 minutes. After that you massage it in. Rinse. Deep cleansing complete! You have soft and smooth skin after this.

Ideas

I have learned to never judge someone before I know their story. I think about it especially when it comes to mental illnesses. There are average ideas about what a mental ill person looks and acts like however that is wrong. I think you could never know that about 99 % of all with mental illnesses are sick. There are some you can tell they are ill but most of us behave like every healthy person does.

I don’t drink alcohol or smoke. I take care of myself. You wouldn’t think I had any mental illness in case we would meet at a party or something. I think I’m rather intelligent. We would talk about everything. It wouldn’t come up until you asked me how I feel. I never begin to or talk about my sickness in any situation until I get asked about it. I think that is unfair to the surroundings. Mental illness even these days has some stigma about it. Many of those you talk to about it don’t know what to say when you tell them.

Could you tell I’m ill from this picture?

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More often than not, everyone I ‘ve encountered with mental illness has acted like every sane person would. You could think we would cry all the time but we’re not. We don’ t look crazy. We are like you.

 

Hairy women

I am one hairy woman. I know it is more common than you think. No hairy woman I know is proud about it and we keep quiet about it. That is why it’s embarrasing. No one talks about it. You don’t hear any women at your job sittning in the coffee break room saying “me and monkeys have something in common, fur.”

Women having body and face hair are hiding it. We do everything to both hide and remove it. I have tried every method available. I have never shaved my face because I know that it would make every shaven hair grow out of hand. They say face hair doesn’t get dark and coarse when you shave it however I know my hair would. I wax my face. I have tried tweezers but that takes a whole day to remove all hair. I love face wax because it doesn’t take long to do your whole face. This is my favorit.

Veet wax strips. 

I wash my face when I am about to wax it. Face creams and dirt make the wax strips useless. The strips don’t stick to your skin and hair when you have creams in the way. I never wax an area more than one time. When you do you get burn marks. When I have waxed I use an oil to heal the skin and remove excess wax residue.

Release

I have felt very bad. That is why I have not written anything. Some days I have felt that I don’t want to keep on struggling with my illnesses. I should be used to feeling mentally done but I don’t think you ever do that. The feeling I have is that I have to release all the negativity. I want to feel something good. It’s not something you do fast. It takes a while but I am doing everything to get there.

I want to cry however I can’t. The medicine I take doesn’t take away the sadness but I can’t cry. Nothing helps as good as crying but when you can’t you keep it inside. It feels as though I will break down because I can’t get some crying action. I could not take anything to help with the sadness but everyone who has a mental illness and doesn’t take anything knows how bad that is.

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There is one positive side to this I don’t eat all that candy I used to devour.

 

Merry wishes

I wish and want everyone to have a merry christmas.

I have a non eventful christmas. With time I have found that I celebrate christmas with my mental health in mind. I spend it with those I love and not those I don’t want to have around.

Merry christmas.

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Approach

I have lots to tell you. Not lots however explain where I’ve been. I have never told you why I suffer from anxiety and all that. It’s because of how my life was as a kid. My mom had a man who was an alcoholic. They lived together for most of my younger years. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because when I do my anxiety and everything I suffer from gets bad. That’s why I haven’t been able to write anything.

For some years I’ve been going to a center that treats mental illnesses. From the beginning I’ve wanted to come to terms with what I experienced when I was young but nothing has come from it. For example I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. We have these meaningless conversations about everyday things. I’ve mentioned the alcoholic man and I’ve said I wanted to treat everything that came from that. Everytime I talked about it I’ve gotten more depressed and everytime the therapist didn’t do anything. Everytime I’ve also said it affected me too much to not do anything about it.

Now the therapist has said we can’t keep meeting because it leads no where. That’s because we have avoided the reason I feel bad. To talk about nothing instead of why I have all these feelings is why our talks leads no where.

We haven’t more than talked a little about the alcoholic man but it has made me more depressed than ever. That’s why I haven’t written anything. Now I think my therapist have gotten that I can never feel better without approaching the hard times. We’ll see.

Smoking ban

I love all bread. I crave bread. I don’t know what kind of bread’s that are popular in your country. In Sweden ” Åkes (male name) hönökaka” is popular. It’s a flat soft bread.

I hadn’t bought it in a while and when I bought it recently I saw a funny thing on the package. There is a picture of “Åke” on it. I’m sure that he smoked a pipe before. Now he doesn’t. There’s a smoking ban everywhere. Now a smoking ban even on bread packages. I like that you can’t smoke everywhere but on bread…… I know why Åke has quit smoking. Smoking is bad and that could make you think the bread is bad.

I don’t think anyone has thought about “Åke’s” not smoking anymore. I don’t know why they removed the pipe. I don’t think anyone making a “Åke” sandwich saw the pipe and thought they wan’t to smoke. I have never made a sandwich and suddenly had a craving for pipes.

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Caring

I have this caring side. I am very emphatic. VERY emphatic. It’s not that positive. I love that I never hurt anyone. I almost never get a bad conscience cause I’ve said or done anything hurtful. But it can be very exhausting. I sense how everyone feel. When I meet someone their thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t be in a crowded place for too long because I get tired.

I can’t read thoughts or anything crazy like that but I sense feelings and moods. I’ve never stood up for myself. I’m lots better at that now but not enough. It comes with age that you get more secure about stuff like that, but when I was younger I never stood up for myself. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I remember when I applied for a job as a switchboard operator for a motorcycle taxi company. Apparently did the (male) interviewer think I was too nice which wasn’t what they looked for in a operator. He rudely said their employees shouldn’t be like me. I should have told him to f…. off but instead I apologized! I didn’t want to hurt him.

I think my depression to some extent comes from feeling too much empathy. To only think about everyone around you can make you ill. I struggle with this everyday. I’m better but not quite there.

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I can’t cut flowers because I think it hurts them.