Here

I’m very sorry I haven’t been here for a while. My depression a long with the heat wave has made me feel uninspired! I don’t know if you either have had a heatwave or lots of rain but here it’s been HOT! You would think Sweden was a country where it was always cold and polar bears walking around shivering in this cold. But we’ve had this hot weather with, what it feels like, 100% humidity.

I hurt my shoulder a while ago because I had exercised too hard. It was a pain that made me unable to workout. All I could do was making these stretching workouts. For someone addicted to exercise it was hard not to workout like I always do which is hard and for a long time. My shoulder doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and I can exercise a little.

I will be back soon with a longer post. Take care.

Weight loss

I am proud to say that I have worked out like crazy. Almost everyday. It’s not only work outs it’s hysterical workouts. I do either my upper or lower body for about 1 hour. Then I do 30 minutes of ab workout. My body has grown bigger because I have gained muscles. I wrote “Weight loss” but I have gained weight because of the muscles. When it comes to body fat I have lost some weight.

I love women that have a big lower body (I don’t love women “that” way I only think that women with a bigger lower body is something I want for my body). With all my workouts I have almost achieved that. I know I look fat and I have lots of fat that I need to get rid of but I am excited to say that it’s not only fat. I am not anywhere near where I want to be but I feel like I could reach my goal sometime. My belly is big and I don’t know what to do. The thing is I have gotten some visible ab muscles but even so my belly continues to “hang”. I know with age it gets harder to lose weight but with all the work I put in to slim down my belly would be much smaller.

I know that my diet is………………..it’s not a diet. I eat what I want. I could never starve myself. A “starve diet” isn’t good in the long run. I should cut down on some things but it’s hard.

My belly looks smaller however it is there.
A big lower body.

Take care!

Here sometime

I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Love lost

I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.

I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.

I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.

Good day

I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.

Happiness.

Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.

Happy less.

Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.

Take care!

Excessive exercise

I try my best to get the weight off my belly. My arms and legs have gotten bigger but that is because they have muscles now. My arms and legs are in the best shape they have been for a while. I don’t write that to tell you how much I love them but I’m happy that some of my body parts are in shape. Then we have my belly. I’ve written about it many times but I want to give you an update what has happened with it.

Some days I feel it has gotten smaller. Some days I feel it has gotten bigger. I don’t know what to do. I exercise excessively. Often every day. I know that exercising too much can do more harm than good but I feel bad when I don’t do it. In every workout my belly gets 30 minutes of hard exercises. I train every part of my belly. It is in rather good shape because I feel the exercises getting easier. But it’s big even though I do all this.

I also have to do something about my diet. Now I eat what I want and how much I want. I try to cut down on cream and butter in my food but I think everything taste nothing when I don’t put fat in it.

This was my belly.

This is my belly now.
There’s some small difference however I shouldn’t have any belly to talk about because of my exercise. I’ll keep on trying to slim it down.

Skin vitamin

I love and I’m a bit obsessed with supplements and vitamins. I try to eat healthy but I know that I can never eat all the nutrients I need. That’s why I take all these vitamins.

I’ve noticed that the older I get my skin needs lots of care. Both inside and out. I take care of my skin on the outside with cleansers, toners, creams and serums. I could never not use all that skincare. I think it’s important to do what you can for your skin.

Now we come to how I take care of my skin from the inside. I take many supplement but for my skin I take this supplement. Great earth “Beautyful skin”. If you or someone you know suffer from acne breakouts you should try it. I don’t know if it’s because of this supplement or that my skin just feel good right now but since I began taking it I have had less acne breakouts. My skin looks even and have a healthy color. You take two capsules a day and they are easy to swallow because they are not big.

Like many vitamins this also took a while before you see any changes. The changes weren’t very big but I think my skin looks healthier.

Try it and give it a go.

Expensive skincare

I have found some ways to get through those days when my depression is hysterical. I’m depressed all the time but at times I get knocked down by my sadness. It’s almost impossible to find something that makes thing a little easier. My favorite treatment for depression is to buy skincare. I often buy the more cheaper products but when I’m really sad I buy some expensive skincare products. I don’t mean I buy extremely expensive products. I buy things that are a little more on the expensive side than I normally buy.

Clinique is one of my favorite expensive brand. They have products that are too expensive even for me. I would never buy something for hundreds of euros. I often buy their cleansing things. They don’t cost that much and they last a long time.

When I wear make up I double cleans in the evening. I often use my regular cleanser twice to get rid of all make up. I clean twice because I want to be certain all my make up has been rinsed off when I go to bed. When I was really depressed a while ago I bought Clinique’s “All about clean”. It’s a make up remover. I use it first in my cleaning routine when I’ve worn make up. It removes all make up even the eye make up. After that I use my regular cleanser. I feel that I have to use my everyday cleanser after the make up cleanser to remove dirt and clean the pores.

That was my favorite way to fight depression.

Wonderful

I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!

Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.

I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.

I wish you a great day and I’ll write again soon.

Kiwi frenzy

I have told you about my obsessions with kiwi fruits. It’s because they don’t cost a lot. Even if I have many at home I can’t not buy new ones when I am at the grocery store. You get 10 kiwi’s for 3,5 euros which means they cost nothing. You never know when the price will go up. That’s why I am buying 10 every time I shop for groceries. I know it’s absurd. That made me think about what media’s approach to it would be.

“A woman was found with hundreds of kiwis in her home. Most of them were rotten but she said she couldn’t put them in the trash. ‘I have a bond to all my kiwis’ she said meaning that it would be like throwing out a family member. She also said she had named the kiwis and talked to them. When she was asked how it had gotten this crazy she said it wasn’t crazy. ‘They cost 3,5 for 10 kiwis. I have bought 10 kiwis two times a week for months.’ Do you eat any of them? She replied ‘How can I eat my family members? Michael or David? No I can’t.’

We looked around the woman’s apartment and found every room filled with kiwis. They had even formed gangs. Each room had one gang. They held to themselves apart from when a kiwi from another room entered their territory. Then they crushed it. We also found a room that was empty apart from a couple of kiwis aimlessly wandering around. They weren’t part of any gang and had to fend for themselves. In that room the lemons had had enough of all the kiwis. We saw a kiwi and a lemon fighting. The lemon shouted ‘leave this room alone. This room belongs to lemons’.

The social services had to take the woman away. She was naked covered in crushed kiwi fruits. She resisted crying ‘who is going to take care of my kiwis?’ The last thing we heard her say before she was placed in the social service’s car was ’10 for 3,5 euros’ over and over again.”

I am not there now but who knows what the future holds? Just kidding. I buy lots of kiwis however I eat them all.

Tomato pasta

I have a confession to make. I love pasta. I crave it often. Sometimes I just eat pasta with butter but that’s not very healthy. I also love pasta because it’s easy to make delicious dinners with it. I think both dried and fresh pasta taste good. I often go for the fresh version though because it cooks faster.

You know I get stressed whenever I make a complicated dinner. With that I mean when the dinner has too many ingredients or cooking techniques. Not to mention when it involves all the pots and pans you have. I know many thinks that those things isn’t a problem and I envy you. I would love to be like you. Reading recipes and happily cook whatever it is. I almost never follow recipes when it comes to cooking. Only because I feel like it always have too many things to do in them.

This dinner is the fastest and easiest you have ever experienced. Fresh tortellini in a tomato sauce. I do the whole thing in one pan. Because I used fresh tortellini I didn’t have to cook them before mixing them with the tomato sauce. I let them boil in the tomato sauce.

It tastes lots better than it looks.

I began with frying a red onion in butter. Not too long, just to get it a little soft. Then I added crushed tomatoes. I also added pepper, salt and oregano. I let it simmer for a while before putting milk and whipping cream in it. I turned up the heat to get the sauce to boil. When it boiled I added the “raw” tortellini. I used one tortellini with spinach and ricotta cheese and one with sundried tomatoes. I noticed that the spinach tortellini was gluten free which I didn’t know when I bought it. I let the tortellini boil for a couple of minutes in the tomato sauce. That was all it took to make a delicious dinner!

I have this stress scale when I cook. Number 1 is me feel little or no stress while cooking. 5 is when I feel I will faint from stress. This was a 1 on the stress scale.

Try it.

Getting help

I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.

A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.

When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.

I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.

dav

The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.

When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.

I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.

I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.

Weight

I struggle with my weight. You know that I have compared myself to a sausage because we are stuffed under our skin ready to burst. I don’t know however I feel that some of the fat on my body has turned into muscles. I exercise too much I know that. I have days where I don’t train at all but it’s hard. I want to exercise every day but it’s not healthy. I have to force myself to have exercise free days. I want to loose weight and too much exercise I think makes more harm than good. When you exercise everyday your body never gets to build muscles and burn fat. I have also told you that I can hardly get my jeans on because of all the fat. I think it also has to do with that I’ve gained muscles. I want bigger legs and arms and my legs are bigger. I think both the fat and my new muscles has something to do with me not getting my jeans on.

I can’t get rid of the pregnant looking belly.

The thing I should try harder with is food. I can’t go on a diet because then I’m hungry all the time. I know there are diets where you don’t feel hungry but they are complicated and you have to change everything you eat. For example I can’t go without carbs. Everywhere you look carbs is the cause of weight gain and lots more. When I don’t eat carbs I get physically sick. I have to eat something from every food “group” everyday. I try to eat less but then I’m hungry and I eat unhealthy. I don’t eat candy but I haven’t seen that helping with the weight. I will continue with not eating candy though because I feel better without it.

Swedish pancakes with jam and whipped cream. Very “good” when you want to loose weight.

I try and that’s all you can do. My belly is where almost all the fat gather. I have well trained legs and arms and then this chunk of fat on my belly. I do abs exercises everytime I exercise and I think the belly is getting stronger. I’m frustrated because I want the belly to shrink faster than it does. I will keep up with the abs exercise until I see some change.

Food list

I have this list I call “no thank you food”. This list contains all the foods I don’t eat because I find them disgusting or that I have some other reason that makes me avoid them. I know many eat all food that’s out there but not me.

*Salmon.

Salmon is something I find disgusting. I know many love it and it’s healthy to eat but I can’t even take the smell of it. For me it tastes……… I don’t know how to explain it but it has a “strong” taste that you can’t make go away what ever you do. You can pour lots of sauce on it but that doesn’t help. I don’t know how many dinners I have been invited to where salmon was served. I have had to force myself to eat the salmon. I try to eat it as fast as I can and then eat the potatoes or what ever the salmon is served with to get the salmon taste out of my mouth. I have tried salmon cooked in many different ways however it tastes disgusting anyway.

*Chicken.

Everyone out there that eat chicken often, don’t read this. I don’t want you to stop eating it. It’s a healthy meat to eat and I want you to keep eating it. The reason I don’t eat it is that my mom told me she watched some tv show where a man sat by a machine and kept cutting off the beaks of chickens. I think he did it because the chickens shouldn’t be able to pick on each other. My mom said the man violently picked up a chicken, cut the beak off. Then he threw the bleeding chicken to the side without any emotions. The thought of those bleeding chickens has made it impossible for me to eat chicken.

*Beer.

Not food but I had to add it to the list because I can’t drink it. I almost throw up when I drink it. The taste I find disgusting. I don’t think alcohol is tasty but beer is what I find the least tasty of all alcohol beverages.

*Carrot cake.

This also makes me feel sick when I eat it. It’s the cinnamon taste mixed with carrots that makes me avoid it. When I think about it, it’s the frosting that I think is what makes it impossible for me to eat it. I have a hard time eating cream cheese. Even though you mix the cream cheese with other things I can’t eat it. The cinnamon cake mixed with the cheese I find disgusting.

*Dessert cheese.

I don’t think those are the words for it but I mean cheese you get on a “cheese tray”. Gorgonzola and Brie cheese för example is something I can’t eat. They taste and smell like feet. When a cheese tray is served I eat the crackers and grapes and nothing else. A long time ago my mom made beef in a Gorgonzola sauce. I came home and the whole apartment smelled like sweaty feet. Not to mention the taste of feet and the salty taste.

I know many like these foods and I don’t in any way think it’s wrong to like them. It’s me that can’t take the taste.

Waxing

I decided I was going to wax my face today. I do it regulary. I have done it tons of time and I thought I knew how to do it. With age I have began having visible hair all over my face. Before it was hair on my upper lip. Now it’s also on my chin and my left cheek. Not on my right but on my left! I always wax my face because then it takes time for it to grow back. With waxing it also doesn’t grow back dark and “hard”.

I used the wax today I almost always use. It’s cold wax strips. I have used warm wax and “soft” wax but it doesn’t take off all the hair. I wax before I’ve put any cream on my face. A clean cream free skin make the wax get more hair. I began with my chin and upper lip. You should never wax more than once in one area. I know that but even so I found the hair on my chin didn’t come off. I waxed a couple of times even though I felt that my skin was “burning”. I also waxed my left cheek more than once. Let me tell you it burned! I didn’t think I was waxing the same area ons the cheek more than once however because of the burning feeling I must have done it. When I was done waxing I put on oil which I always do. Oil soothes the skin and removes wax residues. I thought that would help me with the burning cheek. But it didn’t.

The skin is fine here.
The burn marks aren’t that visible in this picture but they are there. And my skin is swollen.
I forgot to tell you that I accidentally waxed my hand. It got severe burn marks from the wax.
This is the next day. Today the burn marks are a lot less visible.

Now my left cheek is burning and the skin is red and irritated. I burned my skin when I waxed a long time ago and I know that it will be red for a while and then the skin will peel off. Make up doesn’t hide the burn marks. I will have to walk around with red skin and also skin that has “flakes” on it. I feel great. I have all these problems and flaky skin makes it even greater, not. I want to hide until the skin had healed. It’s not possible. I have to think about what to say If someone asks what I’ve done. I can’t say I have waxed my face. Great!

Today the burn marks on my hand are a lot less visible too. Feels great.

Fancy dinner

I made a very fancy dinner today. Pasta and ketchup. I didn’t stop there! I also added more luxury with some spices and butter. Don’t say I don’t know how to make good food!

They say that the food you eat should have many different colors. Here we have green, red and white! Don’t say I haven’t thought this dinner through.

It’s not a healthy meal I know! But sometimes I am tired and uninspired. I think this meal beats eating cake or candy.

You probably have or will eat a healthier meal today.

Helpless

I often think that we beat ourselves up all too often. We put impossible pressure on ourselves to fit in to what we think is right. You know we work over time almost everyday to show we are good employees. We fill every day with a thousands things to do. We should be happy and never feel sad. We should eat healthy. We go for long walks so we can put that information on social media. We smile on the outside but cry on the inside. No wonder so many mentally crash and burn everyday.

I crashed and burned in 2004. At that time I had a job I hated. I had a relationship that was drivning me crazy. My boyfriend at the time reminded me of the disgusting man my mom had a relationship with almost all my childhood. He was mentally and physically abusing my mom and me. Me he “only” abused mentally but my childhood was filled with fear and pain. For 7 years I lived as a hostage in my home where this man had his reign of terror. The boyfriend I had in 2004 reminded me of the mental abused I had suffered from so long when I was a child. All the feelings I had suppressed all my childhood came back. I felt helpless but I also stod up for myself which led to me and my boyfriend having spoken fights almost everyday. There was never any violence but screaming at each other was not who I am. I rather stay quiet than say how I feel. Then one day I broke down. I cried and felt helpless.

I had a complete mental breakdown. I feel almost that bad today but that breakdown was so bad that it’s a wonder I am alive today. Even though I was boken down I continue to work for a while until I couldn’t do it anymore. I saw a doctor that immediately said that I couldn’t work until I was better. Me and the boyfriend ended the relationship which was a huge relief.

Now I try to be kind to myself. After my dog Kajsa had to be put down I had a mental breakdown similar to that I had in 2004. I was hospitalized because I felt I couldn’t handle the pain myself. I needed help and I got it. Today I never do more than I feel is “safe’. I know what triggers my anxiety and depression. I get breakdowns from time to time even today but not that bad that I’ve had before. I try to protect myself all the time.

Here are some things that help me with my mental health.

Comfort food and baking goods.

Swedish pancakes with whipped cream and jam.
Princess cake.
Bisquits.

All the things that have to do with beauty.

Animals.

Exercise.
Laughing.

Exercising

I am doing all I can to get rid of my enormous belly. I know many of you probably think that my belly isn’t big but to me it is. When I was younger I never did any ab workouts because there was nothing to work on. Now I’ve been doing ab workouts with every arm and leg workout however I am not seeing that much of a change. I mean I’m doing a very extensive ab workout to get every part of my belly exercised. It’s lower and upper abs and more. I do an 17 minutes ab workout. I should have gotten further than I am.

The plank. Works your abs really hard.
This top hides my belly.
The jeans wants to break in every seem.

I feel my jeans going on a little smoother though. I know my legs have gotten bigger because of my exercise and that has something to do with my jeans getting too small. Before I had to pull them hard to get them on. I was afraid they would fall a part with every pull because I had to use all my strength to get them on. Even now I pull hard to get my jeans on but it doesn’t take that long anymore. It’s not a big change but I could have lost belly fat even though I don’t see any change. I compare my jeans to sausage “skin”. They are filled to the absolute max. I’m waiting for the day they won’t fit anymore. I have written this before and the fear of my jeans breaking when I’m in public isn’t gone. I’m happy every time I get home without any “breaking” incident happening. I have more jeans but they’re small too. Time to buy bigger I think.

The biggest change I’ve done when it comes to eating to loose weight is that I’ve stopped eating candy. I told you about it in “Sugar ban” where I wrote what I’ve done to ban candy from my life. It’s hard to do and I wrote that to possible help someone to also stop. I thought I never could do it but I did. I often ate candy to have something to do. I haven’t even touched any candy for a long time! I had to stop eating candy because it affected me and my body more than I thought it ever could. I’m not saying I will never eat candy again however now I’m not craving candy in any way.

These were my favorite things to buy.

From me and my jeans, we stay together until they break!

Trying

I tried. Let me tell you I tried! I tried to make a plate of food look good. Everyone who has read my posts about food know how “good” I am at making the food look tasty. It always begins fine but then it goes down hill. This “making it look good” was no different from every time I do this.

First thing’s first. I decided to make a real home cooked meal (except the potatoes that I bought frozen). I decided to make burgers and potatoes. To make it less stressful I was going to cook the whole thing in the oven. I made my burgers beginning with mixing bread crumbs and milk. I let it rest for a while.

Milk and bread crumbs.

I used half a red onion. I added minced beef, the onion, an egg and spices in the milk and bread mix.

I mixed it well and I put the hambugers in a oven form (that was the word I found for it). I made four, two for this dinner and the other two I put in the fridge to cook the next day. I put too much butter in the bottom of the oven form (I had to pour some out after a while). I placed a bakning paper on the oven tray and put the potatoes on it.

Too much butter!

I cooked it at 250 C for 30 minutes. After 20 minutes I added milk and whipping cream to the burgers to make a sauce.

Then it was time to put the food on the plate. The potatoes and hamburger went nicely but then I had to destroy it with a big splash of lingonberry jam. I find lingonberry jam delicious but I could have waited to put it on until I had taken the picture. It was tasty and to me it doesn’t look that bad but to everyone else it must look not that tasty.

Lingonberry jam everywhere.

I rate all my cooking after a “stress scale”. How stressful the cooking was. This was a 2 because I made it in the oven.

Should

I have a piece of Princess cake.

Should I or shouldn’t I eat it?

I should. And I did! It was tasty.

Empty plate! I scraped it dry. There are no crumbs I ate it all.

Happy easter!

Getting bigger

I wrote in the post “Stuffed” that there’s no difference between my body and a sausage. We’re both ready to burst. Me from my clothes and the sausage from it’s “skin”. I’m still stuffed. It even seems my body keeps stuffing itself and getting bigger.

Sausages.

I exercise almost every day. The only thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve had to downsizing my bra’s. That’s one part of my body I don’t want to get smaller. The belly keeps growing even though I do ab exercises with every workout. I know it takes a while to slim down your belly however I want it smaller now. My arms and legs are strong and they’re bigger because I exercise them. I’m not looking “muscular” but I feel that they are strong. Especially my arms. That must be the easiest part of your body to train.

I’ve been thinking about something. I can’t almost get my jeans on. It’s a struggle every time. I try to pull them up but to get them over my belly is almost mission impossible. I pull and jump too and it takes forever to get them to fit. When I’m out doing things I just wait for them to burst. I can hardly sit down because I don’t know If they can take the weight of me sitting down. Not to mention when it’s time to stand up. I’m happy every time they don’t just break. Another thing I think about is when I go to the toilet somewhere else other than when I’m home. What If I can’t get them on again? What If they won’t fit my belly? If that happened what would I do. Run home? If I’m in the mall do I have to have a walk of shame to a clothing store and buy a new pair of jeans? Maybe I should buy bigger jeans so I don’t have to think about it. I never had these problems when I was younger.

Me a couple of days ago.
Me now. Stuffier than ever. (The clothes have been washed since the first picture). The jeans struggle to keep themselves together.

Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Sugar ban

I’ve had to cut down on sugar. I wrote “sugar ban” however that’s not possible. There is sugar in everything. You can buy a freshly squeezed juice and think it hasn’t got any sugar in it. Wrong. Although it’s fruit sugar it’s sugar. Almost everything contains sugar. Even things you never would have thought about. For instance ketchup contains an enormous amount of sugar.

Yay I haven’t had candy for days!
I feel my belly is getting smaller after not eating candy. This is my candy belly I have no picture of my belly now. I want to slim down and get a small belly again. I don’t want this hanging fat.

You can only do so much. My sugar ban is about candy. I felt I couldn’t go on gorging down massiv amounts of candy every day. It got that bad that I had candy cravings from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed. Sometimes I felt that “I just eat candy today and nothing else”. When I ate all this candy I felt sick but I continued anyway. I felt the sugar affecting every part of me in a bad way. Quitting candy is something you can do to lower the sugar intake. I know sugar is harder to quit than many things. I think it can be harder to quit sugar than some drugs. What sugar does is that it makes you more hungry. When you eat candy you can’t take one piece your mind tells you to eat more.

I thought I could tell you some things I do to help me with my candy ban. It helps me and maybe it can help you.

*Stop “cold turkey”. Don’t just cut down. Then you keep your cravings going and you probably eat less for a while until you can’t anymore. Then you eat lots of candy again.

*After exercising I drink a protein and carbs drink. Those days my sugar craving is not that bad. It has nothing to do with the exercise. When I don’t drink that protein and carbs drink after exercising my candy craving is high. I would suggest that you in the beginning of quitting sugar drink one of those exercise drinks. Of course they contain sugar but it’s better to drink that and not eat candy all day.

*Everyone addicted to candy has one or many “candy moments” a day. That’s those moments when you crave candy the most. I try to distract myself when I have those cravings. Watch a film or something so you think about something else.

*Try to eat fruit when you want candy. I often ate candy because I needed something to chew on. I know fruit isn’t what you want but eating a fruit can help. There are many different fruits and try to find something you find tasty.

Try these and see how it goes.

Stuffed

I have a question. What’s the difference between me and a sausage? None. We both look stuffed ready to burst. We have a surface and an inside that stretches it to the max.

My clothes are easier to get on since I began adding ab workout to my exercise routine however I’m not even near where I want to be. I don’t eat candy any more and I want it to make some difference. It takes a while for any changes in your behaviour to show and I will keep on doing what I do. You want to see changes immediately but when it comes to exercise it takes a while before you see any changes. Me not eating candy is something I’m proud of. I don’t know If it will help but it’s better to not eat candy than to do it.

Stuffed ready to burst.
The clothes hide what I don’t want anyone to see. My legs and arms are strong however the belly is a disgrace. My trousers holds the belly in but I feel that my clothes soon won’t be able to hide it because they can’t take the weight and will burst open. I don’t blame anyone for thinking I’m pregnant. It looks that way.

I have been skinny almost all my life however with age it gets harder to stay that way. I have to think more about what I do and eat. I love food and I don’t want to take the pleasure of eating away but I have to think about what I put in my body. I try to think more healthy when it comes to food.

Workout

I think every workout addict out there find that non workout days are unbearable. I could workout everyday but I know it does more harm than good. When I don’t exercise my mental health gets crazy. I get sad and stressed and have this feeling of discomfort. I feel that my muscles will disappear on the days when I don’t do some kind of workout. If you’re a workout addict you know what I mean.

The funny thing is that I’ve read that on the days you don’t exercise is when you build muscles. I think it has something to do with that workout “breaks down” your muscles. When you take a day off they “heal” and your muscles grow. I try to think about that but it’s hard to not workout.

There’s nothing better than to exercise until you get shaky and the muscles are sore. I love being sore also the next day cause then I know I’ve done something that strengthens my body. I have to plan those workout free days. I usually plan something else to do. When I don’t have nothing else to do I often train even though I had decided not to. I can’t help myself.

Just a heads up. These pictures were taken after a hard workout session. That’s why I look sweaty. I know I should do a spray tan because I’m whiter than white.

This is my hair washed and fresh. On the rest of the pictures it looks sweaty.

You might want to pull your hair out of frustration when you don’t workout.
Instead if you can’t be without any kind of exercise do a full body stretch. It’s workout but a healthy workout.
The most effective stretch after upper body workouts.

Tears

I usually see my psychologist every two weeks. Recently I’ve found talking about my problems with her doesn’t help. Cause of that we now see each other more seldom. We meet every four or five weeks. I am that kind of girl that holds everything inside which is wrong but that’s how it is. After seeing my psychologist I feel that my problems worsen and I get these dark thoughts that make me sadder. I know it’s essential that I see my psychologist sometimes because even though I don’t want to talk with anyone. I feel that I have to have a place to talk about things I can’t talk about with friends. They don’t know how hard I struggle. I don’t want them to know. I won’t burden anyone else but my psychologist about how bad I feel. I also need a place where I can cry.

Me with a filter.

I saw my psychologist a couple of days ago. She realized my depression had worsen. It has. I might not write about it in my blogg that often however I can’t because I need to try and forget my depression sometimes. I find that writing about every day things helps. Even when all I want to do is cry I try to write about things that make me feel better. My psychologist said that I can’t have my depression take over my life. She said that everything I said to her was the depression talking. I don’t think anything is funny and all I want to do is hide from everyone. It’s hard to do anything.

My exercises make me stronger. Here you can’t see the big belly I wrote a post about “Slimming”. It’s in working process.

I have some things that help me with all the problems. Exercise and eating a cooked meal a day. The difference between workout days and non workout days is enormous. It’s crazy how much training helps me. I also eat a cooked meal a day. I don’t want to but I have to. Eating cakes and candy for dinner don’t help with anything. You have to feed yourself with nutritious food to have the strength to live with mental illness. This might help you.

Skin mistakes

I have learned the hard way what not to do when it comes to skincare. This time I will tell you about two skincare mistakes.

We were having many people coming over. You know what it’s like. When you have many people coming you want to look your best. A couple of days before that gathering I decided to wax my uppger lip and chin. I have lots of little light hairs on my face. Especially on my upper lip and chin. I didn’t want to look like the bearded lady and I wanted the hairs gone. I have waxed lots of time. I thought this would be as easy as it usually is. Of course it wasn’t. The hairs didn’t come off and I waxed and waxed. You should never wax one area on the face more than once. I waxed…………….. a lot. I pulled and pulled the wax strips but no hair was removed. Instead of getting the hair off I got burn marks. The skin was red and irritated. As the days went on the burn marks got more red and the skin began to peel off. This was the condition of my skin when the people were coming. I tried to cover the burn marks with make up but it made them even more visible. I sat there with hair AND looked like I had been in a fire with my face. I was the bearded lady with red flaky skin.

My second mistake happened on the SAME occasion. I bought an over night self tanning lotion. It was a self tanning lotion I’ve never tried before. I decided to use it the night before the people were coming. It was a dark shade and you should put it on one time in the evening. You should avoid the eye area. The description said you would have a healthy glow the next day. I put the lotion on twice thinking I would get a good color. In the morning I woke up to the darkest color I’ve ever had on my face and with white circles around my eyes. It looked like I had been in the sun for hours without sun screen and the white circles looked like I had worn sunglasses that stopped any sun reaching my eyes. No make up could hide the dark color and white circles. That day I was hairy had burn marks was 10 times browner that I had ever been before and had white circles around my eyes. No one said anything but they must have thought something.

Lesson learned, never do any waxing or try new self tanning lotions before an important event.

Bisquits

I had the biggest first world problem today. I mean it can’t get any more first world problematic than this.

I had bought a packet (couldn’t find a better word) of bisquits. It turned out the packet was burgular safe and I couldn’t open it. I tried everything and nothing helped. I tried knives and a pair of scissors.

My day is ruined! No bisquits.

Moisturizer

I find that one thing makes my anxiety and depression better. It’s skincare. I always feel happy when I buy skincare items. I’m even happier when I try new products. I know no skincare makes you look lots younger or flawless but it’s wonderful to try new products and wish that they maybe make some difference. I’m obsessed with my skin. I clean and moisturize* my skin every morning and evening. I couldn’t not do it. First I clean my skin. Then I use a toner. I think a toner is especially important in the evening to really remove dirt or make up that has been on your face the whole day. Then I use a serum and after that a cream.

I’ve used more different skincare brands though the years than I could ever count. It has been both non expensive and expensive ones. I have found great products in every price range. Often are the non expensive ones better. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s cause you don’t expect miracles when the price is low.

My favorite brand now is NUXE. I love it. It costs a bit but you can find their products to a good price when you compare different websites online. I especially love their moisturizers. They are really “creamy” and feels great on the skin. One jar of cream lasts long because you don’t have to use a lot when you use it. They have many different products however it’s the moisturizers that has made me love the brand. I’m going to review my favorite NUXE night moisturizer. It’s “Merveillance Lift and firm night cream” . I don’t know about the lift and firm but my skin feels soft and smooth after I have put it on. My skin looks fresher and wrinkles get less visible. I’ve used this moisturizer for a while and my skin feels “fresh” in the morning. The only thing I know many might not find that good about this and all their moisturisers are that they have a strong scent. I think it smells fresh and I love all the scents their products have.

I think I pay 20-30 euros for this moisturizer but because it makes my skin feel soft and last long it’s worth it. I’ll stick to it for now I think.

*In some countries it spells moisturi”s”er. I choose the word with the “z”.

Egg toast

I don’t have any idea why this sandwich turned out how it did. I thought I would write about my favorite “dinner sandwich”, bacon and eggs. I love the salty bacon and fried egg on a piece of bread. It always, ALWAYS turns out perfect with the bacon crispy and the eggs round with a perfect yolk. Today just cause I decided to write about it and get you craving the sandwich I got everything wrong. The only perfect thing was the bread which I didn’t make.

First the bacon. It got burnt right away. When it gets burnt it jumps out of the frying pan. There were bacon everywhere. I was determind to write about this sandwich and I had to collect the bacon from everywhere in the kitchen. I lowered the heat on the stove, put back the bacon in the frying pan.

I put it all in the corner of the pan to make room for the eggs. Of course the first egg I cracked in the pan was a “loose” one. The yolk was runny and it poured on the bacon making it into a bacon omelette. I was making 4 sandwiches (two portions) and added 3 more eggs. They got stuck in the “omelette egg” and it was ruined. I tried to make the sandwich look tasty and you can see how “great” I managed to do that. I don’t think it seems that tasty. It was but the look of it is not tasty. Don’t mind the look of the sandwich it’s delicious. Maybe (or probably) you can make it more perfect.

A two year old could have made this prettier.

The “stress scale” (how much the making of the dish affects my depression. A 1 is no stress and a 5 is highly stressful) was a 2. All the things going wrong made the stress level higher but the dish itself was almost stress free.

Try it.

Slimming

I am addicted to exercise. I’m addicted to train everything but my abs. I think I have never felt stronger than now but my abs……….They’re a disgrace. I have felt my belly getting bigger but I thought it was muscles. I have never prioritize the abs. I have thought they got enough exercise while I was training the rest of my body. When I gain weight it’s only my belly that gets bigger. I’ve had a slim belly for a long time now but now it’s getting crazy. I eat a lot but I have never had a problem with that before. Every part except my belly can take lots of food and not show any signs of putting on weight.

Happy to have done my workout thinking all of me got trained.

I must do abs exercises with every workout from now on. I find I’m feeling better when I weigh a little more than I should but I don’t want a belly that’s too big. I could eat less but my body craves lots of food especially when I’m exercising this hard (except my belly then). I took pictures today and I’ll give you a warning they’re not pretty. My belly is big and it’s hanging both in the front and on the sides. I took the pictures to compare them with my belly when I’ve done ab exercises.

I want to feel this happy with every part of my body.

I’ve had troubles with putting my socks on and that shows how much my belly is in the way. I can’t help but wonder how my belly can get fat when the rest of my body gets muscles. I thought I was slim but I’m not. I feel bad showing you my belly but I want you to know how it looks now and when I’ve done some training. I’m ashamed.

Pasta

I find that the one thing that affect my depression more than anything else is cooking. I don’t have an appetite and get stressed when it’s time to cook. All I want to do is cry when I go to the kitchen to make dinner. I get stressed when there’s too many steps to make a dish or that it takes too long make it. I try to do things that are fast and easy.

I know there are those that find cooking relaxing. I’m jealous of you. When you say cooking calms you down I want to be that way. I wish I could say that too. To me it’s just a pain. The hardest part is to figure out what to cook. I have lived on my own sometimes and I’m not proud to say my cooking routine has been a disgrace then. There have been times where I’ve eaten candy or cake for dinner. Disgusting I know. But If you’re not hungry and you’re depressed enough to just want to cry your eyes out cooking, eating healthy is not important.

All the cooking I do and post here is the easiest possible. I could make food that would impress you but that would be too hard for me. The funny thing about it is that I’m a good cook. I often get positive feedback when I cook. I don’t know how it’s possible. It must be that I love food (even though I’m not hungry) and cook what I enjoy to eat.

With all this in mind I’ve decided to grade all the food I upload in a “stress inducing” scale. I know it’s not just me that find cooking hard and this may help you to cook “stress free” things. Number 1 is the lowest stress inducing and 5 the highest. I will name it stress scale.

My first stress scale dinner is a number 1 boarding on number 2. It’s the easiest pasta dish you can make. Fill a saucepan with water. Put the pasta in the cold water. When the water begin to heat up the pasta also begin cooking. It saves a lot of time. When the pasta is ready you drain the water. Put the pasta back in the saucepan. Add butter, tinned crushed tomatoes, milk, cream and spices. Let it cook for a while. That’s it! It’s fast and tasty. Serve with vegetables or what I have on the plate fruit. It’s good to have some vitamins with dinner.

It tastes better than it looks.

Sad

I have felt more sad than ever. Since my dog, Kajsa, was put down I have had more anxiety and been very depressed. I can’t break this storm of emotions. Every day I feel what’s the mening of it all. My psychologist says I have to be kind to myself and not get caught up with grief. That’s sounds good but it’s all I think about. My anxiety is though the roof. I get panic attacks especially when I’m out in public. I’ve had panic attacks for a while but now I get them more often. My panic attacks begin slowly. I get this special feeling that grows into a hurricane. I don’t know how but I never show anyone these attacks. When I get them I try and get home fast. Or I find a place to sit and calm down. They don’t last long but they affect me deeply. After a panic attack I feel exhausted.

The depression takes over everything. I feel I’m about tlo cry whatever I do. Nothing makes me laugh or at least almost nothing makes me laugh. I was a happy person before. I suffered from depression long before Kajsa but after she was gone I find everything hard to do. A long time ago before I got this severe depression I laughed and was the “funny one”. I brought everyone to laughter. Now I’m funny but I don’t feel happy when I make someone laugh. I don’t know how to get better but I try and try and try and try. I’ve tried everything but nothing helps.

Every depressed out there – take care.

Hysterical

I don’t get why you think I have too many kiwi fruits at home! There’s just 24 of them!

I know it seems crazy to have 24 kiwis at home. Especially when I am the only one eating them. It’s hysterical when you think about it. I have a good reason for “collecting” them. They often cost a fortune and I don’t buy them cause of that. Now they have been very cheap for a while. I get a bit crazy when you get 10 kiwi fruits for 3 euros. I buy them every time I’m in the grocery store now. I think “it doesn’t hurt to buy 10 more”.

Sometimes I have too many and I can’t fit them in the fridge. But even so the next time I visit the grocery store I buy 10 more. Kiwis are a favorite of mine and now I can eat them all the time. They are filled with vitamins and I need something healthy especially when I am eating dinner. I don’t think raw vegetables are tasty. I eat fruit instead. I remove the peel and enjoy them. I have to find recipes that has kiwis in them so I can eat them all before they get dry and old. I eat them raw but I think I would like them in cakes or something.

Breakdown

I often have these thoughts of what everyone’s breaking point is. The moment you go from being sad to full blown depressed. I have had two major breaking points. The first was in 2004 when me and some co-workers went to an “inspirational day”. We went to these events sometimes. The events were basically lectures and inspirational talks from people who knew what they were talking about. On this event a woman spoke about how you know you’re depressed. I had felt sad for a long time and this made me aware I suffered from depression. I struggle not to cry the rest of the day. When I came home I cried my eyes out. I also met with a doctor who immediately knew what was going on. All I did was cry.

I look happy however I cry lots.

My second breakdown was in 2020 when I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. I had felt I was dangerously near a breakdown for a long time. When this disgusting thing happened that Kajsa got too sick for me to keep her alive I broke down harder than anytime before. I felt I couldn’t live without her. I don’t know how but I found the strength to get help. I was hospitalized for a long time.

Anyone out there having these feelings GET HELP! I know it’s hard and all you want to do is hide and cry but you have to get help. When you feel you can’t go on, you need someone to make you go on. In a “mental institution” for example cook your food and clean. You don’t have to do more than staying alive which is hard enough. They stop you from harming yourself. I didn’t do much when I was hospitalized. I showered and wore clean clothes and that was all. I didn’t have an apetite but at least I ate something. I didn’t have to hoover or do any chores.

It’s hard to feel mentally exhausted. I know how you feel.

Ribs

I have somehow began to feel bad when I eat meat. I think about the poor animals cause in Sweden they have revealed how disgusting some farmers and slaughter houses are treating them. If the animals had a wonderful life and was slaughtered with “respect” I wouldn’t feel this way. My sympathy towards animals has always been very big and I love them. Especially since I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down I cry when animals are treated bad. It makes me miss Kajsa more than I ever thought I would.I don’t even think meat is that tasty but I eat it sometimes.

Some times you don’t want to cook. I never want to cook but when I can’t stand cooking I buy ready made things. Today was a “can’t stand cooking” day. I had ribs you buy barbequed. I served them with kiwi fruits, mimosa sallad (tinned fruit cocktail mixed with mayonaise) and potato salad. Ribs are meat I think is tasty cause the spices make it doesn’t taste that “meaty”.

Addicted

I do not drink alcohol or smoke however I’m addicted to one thing. Exercise. That’s my addiction. I actually don’t think you can call something healthy an addiction but If you do it too much it is.

I have to force myself to not over exercise. I could do it for hours everyday but I struggle to do it at a healthy “rate”. I do it normally for an hour a day. Three or four days in a row and then I have an exercise free day. I workout to videos on Youtube. There are an endless amount of videos and it’s great to have lots to choose from. Exercise can never replace anxiety and depression medicins but it helps. If I didn’t workout I couldn’t stand all the pain I feel i side. My anxiety gets better for a little while when I’ve had exercised and that means everything to me. When your body is drained of all energi after a workout the anxiety gets lower. It’s not for long however everything counts when it comes to feeling better.

I much rather workout at home than in a gym. At a gym there are often too many people. All the workout equipments are occupied and it takes a long time to exercise cause you have to wait for dumbbells anmachines. I think exercising could help many with mental illness. I know how hard it can be to get going in the beginning to exercise but once you have tried you will feel how you get stronger both physically and mentally.

Yay I did it.

Stretching

Eggs

I make sure I have eggs at home. You can make lots of dishes with eggs. Not only lots of dishes but also it’s great for those times you don’t feel like cooking something complicated. Or when you don’t feel like cooking at all you can still make a tasty meal in minutes.

Today I had a “I don’t want to cook” day. Because of that I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes. Tomatoes give scrambled eggs more tasty. I begin to fry the tomatoes. After a while I add the eggs. It took a couple of minutes. I don’t like raw vegetables and served the scrambled eggs with kiwi fruit and apple. I like to eat eggs with “crisp bread” and I served that with the eggs.

Important

I feel that we in the “first world” have problem we consider important.

*You’re in the grocery store. After a while in the queue the shopper in front of you put their things on the conveyor belt. When it’s your turn the cashier asks the person in front of you to put up a sign that the cashier is leaving and you have to go to the cashier beside it and of course queue a long time in that queue.

*In the grocery store you choose the cashier where there’s a shorter queue than to the other cashiers. Of course it turns out it was the wrong choice. In you’re queue there are old people paying not with cards but with money. They don’t pay with banknotes they pay with coins which takes forever.

*You buy frozen pizza. It turns out it takes longer to cook it than it says on the box. This makes you angry and you stare at the oven because you think that will make the pizza ready sooner. You have a long discussion with your partner about the time it said it would take to cook it. The world is collapsing but this pizza makes you more angry than that.

*You are buying soap but it turns out all the soaps have every color than the one you color you want. “I can’t have a pink soap in the bathroom. It doesn’t go well with the color of the towels”.

*There is one sausage missing in the sausage”pack”. Dinner is ruined.

Candy

I know I have to stop to eat candy. Or I don’t eat when it comes to candy I gorge. I didn’t know there was an english word for it. Gorge is what I do. If I’m hungry or feel whatever feeling out there I eat candy. Some can take one piece and they’re happy with that. I often eat ’til I feel sick. I don’ t have an eating problem and I don’t feel bad when I have had a bag of candy but I know it’s not good to stuff your self with sugar.

I often go for the most sugar filled candy. The candy that consist of 99 % sugar and 1 % of things I don’t want to know what they are. Most buy one bag of candy and eat everything before they get another bag. I buy bag after bag of candy to not run out of it. Every bag weighs around 1 kilo. I go though lots of bags. I don’t want to think about how much sugar that is. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly stopped eating candy. I would probably loose all energy.

Sugar

The pick and mix department in the grocery store is my favorite place in the store. I could stay there a long time to “compose” the perfect bag of candy. The more sugar the candy seem to have in it it’s what I put in the bag. I often think I’ve put more than enough in the bag but I don’t care.

Filled bags

Buying

-We just got 4 liters of milk left!

-Oh no! We are two members in this family and drink little milk but just 4 liters! We must buy ten more liters to last one day.

-I rent a lorry so we can buy all the milk in the store.

(That’s what happens when everyone buy food without any idea of what’s in fridges and cabinets.)

Milk

I have a first world problem for you.

-I just drank a glas of milk that had it’s expiration date yesterday!

-Oh no. What should we do? We have to call for an ambulance. I tell them you had a day old milk. That will have them put you first and they will prioritize you before heart attacks and those things.

-There is an emergency number you can call when you think you’ve been poisoned. I feel weak do you think I will have to have surgery?

-Probably.

Dinner

I’m that type of person that cook just because I have to. I’m the one in the household that find making dinner fine but nothing more than that. The rest of the family finds it painful, in lack of a better word. I’m also that type of person that walks around aimlessly in grocery stores without any idea what to buy. I never have any idea or get any idea of what to buy. I look at shelves of food but all I see is nothing. I don’t like to cook and all the food screams “takes too long to cook” or “to make that I have to buy lots of another ingredients”. I often find myself buying processed food like ready made meatballs.

Today I made an effort and actually made dinner from scratch. It’s very simple to make. Spaghetti bolognese. The ingredients I use in my bolognese are of course pasta. For the sauce I mix minced meat, tomatoe puree, onions, milk, whipping cream and spices.

I know it’s not a fancy dinner but for all of you struggling with what to cook it’s an idea for what to make. I don’t like raw vegetables and I serve my dinner with fruit instead. This is kiwi fruit. I think lots of fruits are delicious. I need some vitamine C to go with my dinner.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Help

I have not written anything lately. You know how bad I’ve felt. Everyone has a limit when enough is enough. My limit was crossed a while ago. I cried all the time. I didn’t eat or do much. I felt I didn’t want to be around anymore. I felt like I was slowly dying. It sounds drastic however that how it was.

This went on for a while until I felt “I need help”. I rather die than burden anyone but I felt I’m too young to leave this life already. I took a taxi to an psychiatric emergency room. Because of all restrictions I had to wait outside for hours before I got to talk to some nurses. I was shivering because it was that cold. I thought many times to leave because of the cold. I tried to keep warm but I felt like I would die from the cold. After these long and cold hours I got to go inside and speak to what I think was nurses. They asked me questions and I cried through it all. They got how I felt and I got to go to a warm waiting room. I had to wait for hours to see a doctor but after the wait in the cold I didn’t care. The doctor said he could have me hospitalized to help with my pain. That’s what I wanted. It was in the middle of the night by now and I was “happy” to get a room.

I have to say that being hospitalized isn’t bad at all. When you don’t have the strength to cook or do anything you get all that done for you by someone else. I was in hospital for a long time. I will write more about it but I leave it for now. If you wondered where I’ve been now you know. I’m out of hospital talking my time to get better.

Flawless

I know we all have this idea that everyone around is perfect. Especially those we pass when we’re out and about. We know how most of our family and friends are doing however everyone else seems to have a perfect life. I know that I feel like an outkast sometimes because I am sad and everyone else seem happy. I struggle not to cry at the same time as everyone laughs and have a busy life.

No one has an idea of how I feel. Everyone see me as flawless. I never look sad. I wear make up. When I tell someone of my depression they don’t know what to do. They have this picture of what mental ill persons looks like which is not right. There are those you can see suffer from illnesses however the biggest part of us looks like we feel well. I have a friend who’s more than beautiful. She’s depressed.

Affected

I’m trapped in an intense storm of emotions. Me and my therapist are dealing with what I went through as a kid. I’ve hidden it all my life. I never talked about it when it happened and I haven’t talked about it since. Me and my mom talk about it however almost never.

For many years when I was little, my mom had a boyfriend that was mentally abusing us and he was an alcoholic. No abuse is acceptable and not this as well. For those years the boyfriend was with my mom he was nothing more than a destructive plague that ruined everything. I don’t want to write much about it because I’m not where I feel good doing it. I can tell you I’m affected from it until this day.

This man is the reason to every mental illness I have. My anxiety depression OCD and social fobia is his fault. I’ve tried to get help however everyone has wanted to taget the symptoms and not the cause of them which is that man.

I’ve read your abuse stories. That made me decide breaking the silence. I’ll leave it for now.

Empath

I am the biggest empath you can find. I have always been this way. This combined with a sense of intuition make being around people hard. I can’t read thoughts or anything but I can sense how everyone around me are feeling. I can tell if you’re a good person or not. I can tell how you want your life to feel like. For example my cousin met this girl. Only by looking at pictures of her and my mom tell me some basic stuff about her I knew how their relationship would be. I said she had made a plan of how she wanted her life with my cousin would be. They moved in together very soon which I knew. They got married after a short while together. I knew they would. She wears the pants in that relationship which I knew she was immediately my mom told me my cousin had met a girl. She got pregnant and already then I said one was not enough. Of course they got another kid!

I’m not saying I’m psychic but I am very sensitive to everything around me. When I’m out and about I get these flashes from everyone I meet. I know who like me suffer from mental illness. I mean those you can’t tell are suffering only by looking at them. I know if you have many kids or not. I have had to learn how to switch this intuition off other wise I would go crazy! I talk to myself in “my brain” about things like what I’ll buy the next time I’m buying groceries.

I feel sorry for everyone especially animals. Sometimes you come across a video of an abused animal that they nurse back to a happy animal. I have forbidden myself from looking at these videos because I cry and even though the animal ends up having the best life. All I can think about was how the animal looked when they found it.

From a sensitive woman. Take care.