Thicker eyebrows

I used to always add some color to my eyebrows. Either I used a black brow pencil or I colored them black. When I was younger I had very thick eyebrows. Then I was stupid and plucked them with a tweezer until there wasn’t hardly any eyebrows there to talk about. I regret that a lot today!

I didn’t color or use a brow pencil before a few years ago. Then I went all in and the color obsession began. I tried many different eyebrow pencils and lots of different eyebrows color brands. Sometimes I colored them………… and used a brow pencil too. I did this until I began to notice that I suffered from brow “hair loss”. My brows got smaller and smaller. I got bald spots all over them. Then I used more and more eyebrow make up to hide the bald spots.

Then I stopped doing all that. In the beginning I almost felt naked when I didn’t put any color on my brows. It was especially hard not to use the brow pencil. Then a while later I began seeing that my brows grew back. The bald spots had hair growing on them. My brows also got naturally darker. They are not anywhere near the brows I had all those years ago but they look fine. My eyebrow tip for you with brow problems is to do nothing to them. For all of you that want thick eyebrows but struggle with hairfall try to stop coloring them for a while. Then you can try doing it and see how your eyebrows react to it.

I don’t think you can see the brow but it’s there.

Tomato sauce

I have a first world problem that is a big first world problem. When you get tomato sauce on your clothes and can’t get it off. I can’t remember how many clothes I’ve had to throw away because of tomato sauce stains. Today I had almost eaten all my dinner involving tomato sauce without getting any on my top. And then…….pasta covered in sauce landed on my top. Is it just me? I never learn. I should cover myself in kitchen paper whenever I eat.

Sad forever

I shouldn’t do it but I looked at photos of my dog I had to have put down last year. When will the pain of losing her ever go away? I miss her more and more. A big part of me broke when she went to heaven. I can’t to this day believe she’s gone. I miss everything about her. She was crazy I know but I loved it.

Many say I should get a new dog but I can’t. I’ll never go through losing another dog. I miss my dog too much and no one can take her place. I know a new dog would ease the pain but I can’t!

Love you forever and ever my only true love.

Panic attack

I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.

For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.

Me during a panic attack. Not a good photo but it shows how I feel.

I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.

Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.

Silly joke

I don’t know but is this what they call a “gated community”? It looks very safe…………

Very big

“-This yoghurt is too big for me. You have to eat half!”

This is the smallest yoghurt I’ve ever bought! It’s tasty though.

Funny

I have to say sorry in advance because of the disgusting content (unless you have a dog or you are a dogsitter).

I know what dog owner and dog sitters have in common if there is more than one human in the family. The talk. This is how the talk would sound like if us humans had it with each other.

-Have you peed and pooped today?

-Yes. I pooped once but it took a while before I pooped. I went to the toilet many times before I got some poo out.

-How many times did you pee?

-One long pee and then I did some “marking” pees so everyone using the toilet after me would know I had been there.

-What did the poo look like?

-It was fine.

For those that never had the dog talk it goes like this.

-Has the dog peed and pooped today?

-It did a long pee then it “pee marked” countless times.

-What did the poo look like?

-It looked perfect.

Haha that photo! It is spot on!

I know it’s disgusting but that’s what the dog talk sounds like. With Kajsa (my dog I had to have put down) me and my mom had that talk almost everyday. It was “she peed so many times I lost count”, “we walked and walked but she didn’t pooped”, “she peed almost nothing”, “she pooped many times”.

You never think of how it sounds like. And if Kajsa didn’t poo we talked about where we would walk on the next walk to make her do it! “We go to the forest she always poo’s there.”

I was dog sitting a dog and the first time I met the dog owner she said “She always pee’s and poop’s first thing in the morning when we go for the morning walk. ” And all I thought was “how wonderful then the morning walk will go smoothly.”

Dog people are crazy!

Showers

First of all I don’t know why I decided to write about this!

I don’t know about you but I shower and wash my hair everyday. I have read lots of things were people discuss this. I got interested in how it is out there. Do people shower everyday or less? I think many don’t shower everyday. At leastI know it’s common to not wash the hair everyday. I get why you don’t do it. Many people have dry hair and can’t wash it often. And I think it’s good for the hair to have some “rest days”. Today you use dry shampoo if you want your hair to feel fresh between washes. And some have hair that don’t get greasy until after a couple of days after washing it. I don’t think everyone shower everyday either. The ones I know about that don’t shower everyday do it every other day. I don’t judge any of you if you don’t shower or wash your hair everyday! It’s up to you. What I have a problem with is how people describe what they do instead and how often they think you should clean themselves.

First we have those that shower once or so a week. I think that’s a bit extreme to be honest. I’ve read that they use wet cotton to clean their private parts after every visit to the toilet. Isn’t it easier to take a quick shower everyday instead? It takes lots of time if you’re doing that everytime you visit the bathroom. And you probably clean you armpits everyday with some water from the sink. They say that they don’t smell but let me tell you. I’ve smelled unwashed people miles away. Not miles but you know what I mean. There have been people that have spread their odour through out a whole bus! I think it’s those that never shower and never use cotton pads with every toilet visit.

A hair dresser said in an article that you should only wash your hair once a week. She almost made fun of people that washed it more often. She said “put your hair in a bun when it gets oily.” I could never do that. I could wash my hair less if I didn’t workout as much as I do. I workout almost everyday and sweat like crazy. I would feel disgusting if I just put it in a bun day after day. My hair would be smelly and so oily that I wouldn’t be out in public! And the hairdresser showed her hair after a week without washing it…….. I can’t put in words how it looked. You put your hair in a bun girl because you think it’s such a good idea to wash it once a week!

Clean hair.

At the same time I also think that we’re sometimes are hysterical when it comes to keeping ourselves smelling good. There are deodorants for your private parts and some wash their hair more than once a day everyday. There has to be a “middle way” to go when it comes to hygiene. There now I’ve written how I think. What do you think?

Forgot this. During periods in my life where my depression had been crazy I didn’t shower for days. I didn’t have the will to do anything then and I didn’t go out. This is meant for people who don’t suffer from mental illness. And I’m sorry if I offended anyone didn’t mean to do that in any way.

Potato flour

I use potato flour to “thicken” liquid. For example I make fruit cream by adding potato flour mixed with water to fruit juice. I have also made gluten free cupcakes with potato flour instead of wheat flour. It’s great if you’re gluten intolerant. But don’t use it when you’re making oven baked pancakes!

I love oven baked pancakes. It’s the fastest way to make pancakes and it’s delicious! I don’t have a recipe for it because I make it “my way” and I know how the batter should look and it usually turn out fine. I could give you a recipe based on how much I think I use of all the ingredients.

2 portions.

4 eggs

5 dl milk

4 dl flour

Mix it all together.

Since the batter has no butter in it I put lots of it in the tray in which I bake the pancake.

Flour is something I don’t use often. When I was supposed to make oven baked pancake I found it had expired a long time ago. I had begun to mix milk and eggs and thought I would use potato flour instead. Like I wrote I had made cupcakes with it and that worked well.

You should have seen the potato flour pancake! Or you should have eaten it. It looked like rubber and it was like eating rubber! The taste was that of a pancake but that was it. I forced myself to eat because that was dinner and I was hungry. I chewed a lot! I chewed and chewed and chewed and I ate it all. I don’t know how.

Excessive training

I hurt my shoulder a while back. The reason was that I exercised too much and too hard. I did both leg and arm workouts with resistance bands. I used the resistance band with every workout. The majority of the workouts I do is bodyweight only but I added the band and that made it hard to exercise. I was obsessed with getting more muscles fast. I exercised like that almost everyday. In the beginning it was fine. I began to use the resistance band only when I did lower body workouts. Then I thought it would be a good idea to use it when I did arm workouts.

This worked out fine for a while. I got more muscles all over. The resistance band made me get more muscles really fast. Especially my arms grew bigger than then they had ever been before. Then one day one of my shoulders really hurt very bad. It got to the point where I couldn’t use the arm on the side where the “broken” shoulder was. I tried lots of creams and lotions that should heal sore muscles. Nothing helped. Some helped for a couple of hours but the pain never went away.

Healed shoulder.

For those of you that aren’t addicted to exercise would probably do no exercise at all while your shoulder healed. I have a serious addiction to exercise and to do nothing wasn’t an option. Instead I did “flexible” workout. Stretch workouts that healed sore muscles. It wasn’t the workouts I usually did but at least I did something. It helped! It took time and effort but I stuck to my workout plan. Today my shoulder has healed but I never workout with resistance band anymore. I rather do body weight workouts. Excited that I can exercise often. Yippie.

Clinique review

I have liked the skincare brand Clinique a long time. I have used their products now and again lots over the years. I have especially used their moisturizer’s. Today I am reviewing their 3 step cleaning system. I used it the first time a long time ago and then the system consisted of a hard soap, toner and a moisturizer. Now it has a liquid soap which I like because I always used to drop the hard soap on the floor. I also think it’s more “healthier” to use a soap that is in a bottle.

There are different kinds of systems. I use the number 1 because I have dry skin. For example system number 2 I think it’s for normal to combination skin. I think many of you have used or are using these products and you have your favorite “number”.

I like the soap and toner but I don’t like the moisturizer. I don’t dislike it but I am old and need “heavy” moisturizer’s. Their moisturizer is perfect if you are younger or don’t have any wrinkles. You should use it but I feel the soap and toner works great even if you don’t use it. My skin feels clean and not dry after I have used the products. I use them every morning and evening. What I like most is that you can buy every product separately. I only buy the soap and toner. It’s rather expensive but not too expensive. You should try it and see what you think.

Heart broken

I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.

I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.

I miss her everyday. My love.

Laughing

I have an idea what to give your kids when it’s their birthday! How about this book about a red dog named Clifford. He’s teaching your kid about what’s important. Or…………… I don’t know when I have read the fine print (I don’t know if that’s the right word). Never mind buy it and your kids will grow up reeeeeeeally fast!

Weight

I have had big problems when it comes to weight. I have told you about my belly that has been a huge problem. I have been thin almost my whole life. It’s medicines that has made me gain weight. Once it was a medicine for my anxiety that made me gain almost one more me in weight. This time I think I know which medicine it is that causes the weight gain but I have to take it or I will get mentally exhausted again.

I exercise almost everyday and since I saw the state my belly was in I’ve done ab exercises with every workout. I have worked the abs like crazy. I love to exercise however the ab workout I could do without. I’ve never been into working out my abs but I knew a while ago I had to do it. I looked pregnant. The belly hanged down. I got disgusted with myself. I looked like a ball!

For a long time I have worked out very hard. My belly is smaller! It took a loooooooooong time but I’m on the right track. I know that if I ate healthier I would have gotten an even smaller belly. But I love food and I can’t do it. I rather workout like I do because that has helped me.

Then.
Today.

Proud.

Public anxiety

I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.

I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.

Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.

What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.

Me today.

Man behaviour

I think you have seen them every summer. Men wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Especially middle aged men does this. Please from all women DON’T. We like you but with clothes on. Don’t sit in restaurants and don’t walk around in stores half naked!

Women never (or almost never) wear just a bra unless it’s on a beach. We could but that would probably make men think we’re looking for someone to date. Short post but never the less important.

I found this when I searched old men!

Favorite brand

I know that the skincare brand “The ordinary” has been around for a while. But I haven’t used it that long. They have many different products. I’m almost obsessed with it. I love their products that has some kind of acid in them.

One of their best seller is the peeling with BHA and AHA acids. It has changes my skin. It says on the bottle that it shouldn’t be used more than a certain amount of time but I never leave it on for more than a couple of minutes. My skin feels soft for days after using it. It stings when you put it on your face but that disappeared when you wash it off. My next favorite product is the one with lactic acid in it. It removes all pimples on your face and leave your skin feeling fresh. I love that it works “slowly”. That means that it takes some days for it to remove pimples. Because it’s that “safe” I use it everyday. It doesn’t irritate the skin.

One wonderful product is a vitamin C powder. You mix your face cream with the powder and after time it makes your skin look more even. It comes with a little spoon. I use one the amount of one spoon in my face cream. It can feel like you’re having an acid peel on right when you apply it however that calms down after a while.

I like their moisturizer’s also. I think I find most of their products great. And nothing costs a lot. Even if you don’t have much money you can afford everyone of their products.

Memories

I remember a summer when me and a friend went to a swedish island for a vacation. We were staying at a B&B. We were 17 years old I think. My friend brought half her kitchen supplies with her because we thought you had to if you wanted to cook. We brought party clothes because we were gonna party a lot…………… we thought.

First we took a taxi to the train station that was only a couple of minutes away because my friend’s kitchen supplies was to heavy for us carry. We took the train to a town where we had to switch to a bus to take us to the B&B. On the train we were young girls doing what young girls do. We laughed and talked loudly about intimate things. Everything went fine and we took the bus after the train ride. The busdriver let us off at the bus stop but we didn’t see a B&B anywhere. We took a taxi and I think it was 500 meters he drove us! The bus had stopped where the B&B were but we didn’t see it! I wonder what the taxi driver thought about it.

Then we checked in and in this place you slept many in one room but we found a little room with only two beds and decided to put our bags there. Then. ……….. we were going grocery shopping and it took us an our to get there by foot. It was raining heavily and there we were walking and soaking wet. There were no other way to get there. We bought unhealthy food and then walked for another hour to get to the B&B with bags filled and heavy with groceries.

When we got there all our bags were thrown out of the little room by two older women who wanted that room! Alright we choose beds and went to sleep. The next day we were going to spend in our sweat pants until we would get ready to go out and party. When we sat there on our beds the manager came in and said we had to leave the B&B for a couple of hours. It was the rules. I don’t know why but there were a couple of hours the B&B had to be empty. We had to leave without having taken a shower and in our sweat pants! We just walked around and didn’t know what to do. We spent hours in a restaurant where we wrote post cards to everyone we knew. The rest of the time we walked around. When we were allowed back we were tired and didn’t want to party. We cooked our dinner in a kitchen filled with all the guests cooking at the same time! Chaos! I remember a whole family just sitting there waiting for us to finish cooking. Very relaxing! We ate and had nothing to do.

In the evening we wanted to watch tv. Let’s say we were 25 people in the tv room and one man decided what we were gonna watch. No one said anything but we all wanted the man to leave so we could watch something exciting.

After one night we felt this was nothing for us. We had booked to stay there one week and we told the manager we wanted to leave the next day. It wasn’t easy to get our money back but we got them.

The next day we took the bus to the town where the train was departing from. We spend all our money on food and things we wanted! My friend lived alone and she had no money after this. Fast forward my mom helped her out with food.

I haven’t mentioned everything we went through but it was crazy from beginning to end. I especially remember all the kitchen supplies my friend brought. We later found out the B&B kitchen had everything you could possibly need! I’ll never forget it!

Dinner mistake

I rememeber a couple of years ago. Or rather lots of years ago. My mom and a friend of hers used to visit each other and had dinner together. When my mom had her friend over she made the “dinner” (the main course) and I often made the dessert. Then I enjoyed baking and making desserts.

I especially remember two separate dinners. The first one was when my mom made lasagna. The one thing you don’t want when you’re hosting a dinner party is that you don’t have enough food. We were three people attending this dinner. My mom was making a lasagna enough for six people. When I saw the size of the lasagna I said it’s not enough for all of us. Especially my mom’s friend and me can eat a lot. I talked my mom into making the double amount of lasagna. She made lasagna for twelve people when there was only three of us! My mom was hard to convince to make this massive amount of food. She was right it was too much food. We only ate one portion each and then there were nine portions we had to throw away. We didn’t have place in either the fridge or the freezer and had nowhere to store the left over lasagna. Let’s just say there were lasagna left and right in the kitchen.

The second dinner I especially remember was when I was making waffles for dessert. We were gonna have waffles with whipped cream and jam. Good! Everything went fine with the batter. We had an old waffle maker but didn’t think anything about it. Then…………….. came the moment when I was about to make the waffles. I put lots of butter in the waffle maker to make the waffles not stick to it. Not only did the first waffle stick to the maker. I couldn’t get it out of it. I tried everything but it was stuck! After a while it felt like the waffle maker was gonna explode because the “waffle” in it made it dangerously hot. The smoke coming from it was hilarious. The fire alarm went off and the smoke filled the whole house. Everything became blurry because of the thick smoke filling every room. My eyes hurt from it. That was the only waffle we sort of made. It was black and rock hard. We gave it to my mom’s friend but I don’t know if she ate it. Me and my mom ate whipped cream and jam.

Two successful and wonderful dinners!

Sad girl

I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.

You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.

If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.

Hair oil

I have a very tangle prone hair. When I wash my hair I use shampoo and conditioner. But even so my hair often is one big tangle when I get out of the shower. I have to use some kind of hair oil.

I’ve tried many different oils! Everything from coconut oil to argan oil. Coconut oil made my hair greasy. I used the smallest amount and my hair looked like I hadn’t wash it in days. I’ve used “coconut infused” oil and “everyday coconut oil” but I didn’t use it for long because of the greasy feeling. Everyone is saying argan oil is liquid gold however not for me. It makes my hair greasy like coconut oil do. To save money I bought argan oil a while ago but even if I only use a small amount it is making my hair oily.

The best hair oil I think I’ve ever used is “ellwo” repairing oil. It costs lots but because you only need a small amount it usually takes me a couple of months before I have to buy a new one. The best thing about it is the smell and that it makes my hair look healthy and it smells wonderful. It smells like red berries. The textur is a little thick but I don’t care about that. I use it when my hair is wet.

I think you can find it in many shops online. I buy it for 24,90 euros. It cost some but you get a lot for your money. If you get tangles or have “wild” hair you should try it. You’ll be surprised how good it is. Try it.

Here

I’m very sorry I haven’t been here for a while. My depression a long with the heat wave has made me feel uninspired! I don’t know if you either have had a heatwave or lots of rain but here it’s been HOT! You would think Sweden was a country where it was always cold and polar bears walking around shivering in this cold. But we’ve had this hot weather with, what it feels like, 100% humidity.

I hurt my shoulder a while ago because I had exercised too hard. It was a pain that made me unable to workout. All I could do was making these stretching workouts. For someone addicted to exercise it was hard not to workout like I always do which is hard and for a long time. My shoulder doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and I can exercise a little.

I will be back soon with a longer post. Take care.

Weight loss

I am proud to say that I have worked out like crazy. Almost everyday. It’s not only work outs it’s hysterical workouts. I do either my upper or lower body for about 1 hour. Then I do 30 minutes of ab workout. My body has grown bigger because I have gained muscles. I wrote “Weight loss” but I have gained weight because of the muscles. When it comes to body fat I have lost some weight.

I love women that have a big lower body (I don’t love women “that” way I only think that women with a bigger lower body is something I want for my body). With all my workouts I have almost achieved that. I know I look fat and I have lots of fat that I need to get rid of but I am excited to say that it’s not only fat. I am not anywhere near where I want to be but I feel like I could reach my goal sometime. My belly is big and I don’t know what to do. The thing is I have gotten some visible ab muscles but even so my belly continues to “hang”. I know with age it gets harder to lose weight but with all the work I put in to slim down my belly would be much smaller.

I know that my diet is………………..it’s not a diet. I eat what I want. I could never starve myself. A “starve diet” isn’t good in the long run. I should cut down on some things but it’s hard.

My belly looks smaller however it is there.
A big lower body.

Take care!

Here sometime

I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Love lost

I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.

I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.

I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.

Good day

I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.

Happiness.

Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.

Happy less.

Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.

Take care!

Excessive exercise

I try my best to get the weight off my belly. My arms and legs have gotten bigger but that is because they have muscles now. My arms and legs are in the best shape they have been for a while. I don’t write that to tell you how much I love them but I’m happy that some of my body parts are in shape. Then we have my belly. I’ve written about it many times but I want to give you an update what has happened with it.

Some days I feel it has gotten smaller. Some days I feel it has gotten bigger. I don’t know what to do. I exercise excessively. Often every day. I know that exercising too much can do more harm than good but I feel bad when I don’t do it. In every workout my belly gets 30 minutes of hard exercises. I train every part of my belly. It is in rather good shape because I feel the exercises getting easier. But it’s big even though I do all this.

I also have to do something about my diet. Now I eat what I want and how much I want. I try to cut down on cream and butter in my food but I think everything taste nothing when I don’t put fat in it.

This was my belly.

This is my belly now.
There’s some small difference however I shouldn’t have any belly to talk about because of my exercise. I’ll keep on trying to slim it down.

Skin vitamin

I love and I’m a bit obsessed with supplements and vitamins. I try to eat healthy but I know that I can never eat all the nutrients I need. That’s why I take all these vitamins.

I’ve noticed that the older I get my skin needs lots of care. Both inside and out. I take care of my skin on the outside with cleansers, toners, creams and serums. I could never not use all that skincare. I think it’s important to do what you can for your skin.

Now we come to how I take care of my skin from the inside. I take many supplement but for my skin I take this supplement. Great earth “Beautyful skin”. If you or someone you know suffer from acne breakouts you should try it. I don’t know if it’s because of this supplement or that my skin just feel good right now but since I began taking it I have had less acne breakouts. My skin looks even and have a healthy color. You take two capsules a day and they are easy to swallow because they are not big.

Like many vitamins this also took a while before you see any changes. The changes weren’t very big but I think my skin looks healthier.

Try it and give it a go.

Expensive skincare

I have found some ways to get through those days when my depression is hysterical. I’m depressed all the time but at times I get knocked down by my sadness. It’s almost impossible to find something that makes thing a little easier. My favorite treatment for depression is to buy skincare. I often buy the more cheaper products but when I’m really sad I buy some expensive skincare products. I don’t mean I buy extremely expensive products. I buy things that are a little more on the expensive side than I normally buy.

Clinique is one of my favorite expensive brand. They have products that are too expensive even for me. I would never buy something for hundreds of euros. I often buy their cleansing things. They don’t cost that much and they last a long time.

When I wear make up I double cleans in the evening. I often use my regular cleanser twice to get rid of all make up. I clean twice because I want to be certain all my make up has been rinsed off when I go to bed. When I was really depressed a while ago I bought Clinique’s “All about clean”. It’s a make up remover. I use it first in my cleaning routine when I’ve worn make up. It removes all make up even the eye make up. After that I use my regular cleanser. I feel that I have to use my everyday cleanser after the make up cleanser to remove dirt and clean the pores.

That was my favorite way to fight depression.

Wonderful

I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!

Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.

I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.

I wish you a great day and I’ll write again soon.

Kiwi frenzy

I have told you about my obsessions with kiwi fruits. It’s because they don’t cost a lot. Even if I have many at home I can’t not buy new ones when I am at the grocery store. You get 10 kiwi’s for 3,5 euros which means they cost nothing. You never know when the price will go up. That’s why I am buying 10 every time I shop for groceries. I know it’s absurd. That made me think about what media’s approach to it would be.

“A woman was found with hundreds of kiwis in her home. Most of them were rotten but she said she couldn’t put them in the trash. ‘I have a bond to all my kiwis’ she said meaning that it would be like throwing out a family member. She also said she had named the kiwis and talked to them. When she was asked how it had gotten this crazy she said it wasn’t crazy. ‘They cost 3,5 for 10 kiwis. I have bought 10 kiwis two times a week for months.’ Do you eat any of them? She replied ‘How can I eat my family members? Michael or David? No I can’t.’

We looked around the woman’s apartment and found every room filled with kiwis. They had even formed gangs. Each room had one gang. They held to themselves apart from when a kiwi from another room entered their territory. Then they crushed it. We also found a room that was empty apart from a couple of kiwis aimlessly wandering around. They weren’t part of any gang and had to fend for themselves. In that room the lemons had had enough of all the kiwis. We saw a kiwi and a lemon fighting. The lemon shouted ‘leave this room alone. This room belongs to lemons’.

The social services had to take the woman away. She was naked covered in crushed kiwi fruits. She resisted crying ‘who is going to take care of my kiwis?’ The last thing we heard her say before she was placed in the social service’s car was ’10 for 3,5 euros’ over and over again.”

I am not there now but who knows what the future holds? Just kidding. I buy lots of kiwis however I eat them all.

Tomato pasta

I have a confession to make. I love pasta. I crave it often. Sometimes I just eat pasta with butter but that’s not very healthy. I also love pasta because it’s easy to make delicious dinners with it. I think both dried and fresh pasta taste good. I often go for the fresh version though because it cooks faster.

You know I get stressed whenever I make a complicated dinner. With that I mean when the dinner has too many ingredients or cooking techniques. Not to mention when it involves all the pots and pans you have. I know many thinks that those things isn’t a problem and I envy you. I would love to be like you. Reading recipes and happily cook whatever it is. I almost never follow recipes when it comes to cooking. Only because I feel like it always have too many things to do in them.

This dinner is the fastest and easiest you have ever experienced. Fresh tortellini in a tomato sauce. I do the whole thing in one pan. Because I used fresh tortellini I didn’t have to cook them before mixing them with the tomato sauce. I let them boil in the tomato sauce.

It tastes lots better than it looks.

I began with frying a red onion in butter. Not too long, just to get it a little soft. Then I added crushed tomatoes. I also added pepper, salt and oregano. I let it simmer for a while before putting milk and whipping cream in it. I turned up the heat to get the sauce to boil. When it boiled I added the “raw” tortellini. I used one tortellini with spinach and ricotta cheese and one with sundried tomatoes. I noticed that the spinach tortellini was gluten free which I didn’t know when I bought it. I let the tortellini boil for a couple of minutes in the tomato sauce. That was all it took to make a delicious dinner!

I have this stress scale when I cook. Number 1 is me feel little or no stress while cooking. 5 is when I feel I will faint from stress. This was a 1 on the stress scale.

Try it.

Getting help

I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.

A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.

When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.

I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.

dav

The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.

When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.

I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.

I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.

Weight

I struggle with my weight. You know that I have compared myself to a sausage because we are stuffed under our skin ready to burst. I don’t know however I feel that some of the fat on my body has turned into muscles. I exercise too much I know that. I have days where I don’t train at all but it’s hard. I want to exercise every day but it’s not healthy. I have to force myself to have exercise free days. I want to loose weight and too much exercise I think makes more harm than good. When you exercise everyday your body never gets to build muscles and burn fat. I have also told you that I can hardly get my jeans on because of all the fat. I think it also has to do with that I’ve gained muscles. I want bigger legs and arms and my legs are bigger. I think both the fat and my new muscles has something to do with me not getting my jeans on.

I can’t get rid of the pregnant looking belly.

The thing I should try harder with is food. I can’t go on a diet because then I’m hungry all the time. I know there are diets where you don’t feel hungry but they are complicated and you have to change everything you eat. For example I can’t go without carbs. Everywhere you look carbs is the cause of weight gain and lots more. When I don’t eat carbs I get physically sick. I have to eat something from every food “group” everyday. I try to eat less but then I’m hungry and I eat unhealthy. I don’t eat candy but I haven’t seen that helping with the weight. I will continue with not eating candy though because I feel better without it.

Swedish pancakes with jam and whipped cream. Very “good” when you want to loose weight.

I try and that’s all you can do. My belly is where almost all the fat gather. I have well trained legs and arms and then this chunk of fat on my belly. I do abs exercises everytime I exercise and I think the belly is getting stronger. I’m frustrated because I want the belly to shrink faster than it does. I will keep up with the abs exercise until I see some change.

Food list

I have this list I call “no thank you food”. This list contains all the foods I don’t eat because I find them disgusting or that I have some other reason that makes me avoid them. I know many eat all food that’s out there but not me.

*Salmon.

Salmon is something I find disgusting. I know many love it and it’s healthy to eat but I can’t even take the smell of it. For me it tastes……… I don’t know how to explain it but it has a “strong” taste that you can’t make go away what ever you do. You can pour lots of sauce on it but that doesn’t help. I don’t know how many dinners I have been invited to where salmon was served. I have had to force myself to eat the salmon. I try to eat it as fast as I can and then eat the potatoes or what ever the salmon is served with to get the salmon taste out of my mouth. I have tried salmon cooked in many different ways however it tastes disgusting anyway.

*Chicken.

Everyone out there that eat chicken often, don’t read this. I don’t want you to stop eating it. It’s a healthy meat to eat and I want you to keep eating it. The reason I don’t eat it is that my mom told me she watched some tv show where a man sat by a machine and kept cutting off the beaks of chickens. I think he did it because the chickens shouldn’t be able to pick on each other. My mom said the man violently picked up a chicken, cut the beak off. Then he threw the bleeding chicken to the side without any emotions. The thought of those bleeding chickens has made it impossible for me to eat chicken.

*Beer.

Not food but I had to add it to the list because I can’t drink it. I almost throw up when I drink it. The taste I find disgusting. I don’t think alcohol is tasty but beer is what I find the least tasty of all alcohol beverages.

*Carrot cake.

This also makes me feel sick when I eat it. It’s the cinnamon taste mixed with carrots that makes me avoid it. When I think about it, it’s the frosting that I think is what makes it impossible for me to eat it. I have a hard time eating cream cheese. Even though you mix the cream cheese with other things I can’t eat it. The cinnamon cake mixed with the cheese I find disgusting.

*Dessert cheese.

I don’t think those are the words for it but I mean cheese you get on a “cheese tray”. Gorgonzola and Brie cheese för example is something I can’t eat. They taste and smell like feet. When a cheese tray is served I eat the crackers and grapes and nothing else. A long time ago my mom made beef in a Gorgonzola sauce. I came home and the whole apartment smelled like sweaty feet. Not to mention the taste of feet and the salty taste.

I know many like these foods and I don’t in any way think it’s wrong to like them. It’s me that can’t take the taste.

Waxing

I decided I was going to wax my face today. I do it regulary. I have done it tons of time and I thought I knew how to do it. With age I have began having visible hair all over my face. Before it was hair on my upper lip. Now it’s also on my chin and my left cheek. Not on my right but on my left! I always wax my face because then it takes time for it to grow back. With waxing it also doesn’t grow back dark and “hard”.

I used the wax today I almost always use. It’s cold wax strips. I have used warm wax and “soft” wax but it doesn’t take off all the hair. I wax before I’ve put any cream on my face. A clean cream free skin make the wax get more hair. I began with my chin and upper lip. You should never wax more than once in one area. I know that but even so I found the hair on my chin didn’t come off. I waxed a couple of times even though I felt that my skin was “burning”. I also waxed my left cheek more than once. Let me tell you it burned! I didn’t think I was waxing the same area ons the cheek more than once however because of the burning feeling I must have done it. When I was done waxing I put on oil which I always do. Oil soothes the skin and removes wax residues. I thought that would help me with the burning cheek. But it didn’t.

The skin is fine here.
The burn marks aren’t that visible in this picture but they are there. And my skin is swollen.
I forgot to tell you that I accidentally waxed my hand. It got severe burn marks from the wax.
This is the next day. Today the burn marks are a lot less visible.

Now my left cheek is burning and the skin is red and irritated. I burned my skin when I waxed a long time ago and I know that it will be red for a while and then the skin will peel off. Make up doesn’t hide the burn marks. I will have to walk around with red skin and also skin that has “flakes” on it. I feel great. I have all these problems and flaky skin makes it even greater, not. I want to hide until the skin had healed. It’s not possible. I have to think about what to say If someone asks what I’ve done. I can’t say I have waxed my face. Great!

Today the burn marks on my hand are a lot less visible too. Feels great.

Fancy dinner

I made a very fancy dinner today. Pasta and ketchup. I didn’t stop there! I also added more luxury with some spices and butter. Don’t say I don’t know how to make good food!

They say that the food you eat should have many different colors. Here we have green, red and white! Don’t say I haven’t thought this dinner through.

It’s not a healthy meal I know! But sometimes I am tired and uninspired. I think this meal beats eating cake or candy.

You probably have or will eat a healthier meal today.

Helpless

I often think that we beat ourselves up all too often. We put impossible pressure on ourselves to fit in to what we think is right. You know we work over time almost everyday to show we are good employees. We fill every day with a thousands things to do. We should be happy and never feel sad. We should eat healthy. We go for long walks so we can put that information on social media. We smile on the outside but cry on the inside. No wonder so many mentally crash and burn everyday.

I crashed and burned in 2004. At that time I had a job I hated. I had a relationship that was drivning me crazy. My boyfriend at the time reminded me of the disgusting man my mom had a relationship with almost all my childhood. He was mentally and physically abusing my mom and me. Me he “only” abused mentally but my childhood was filled with fear and pain. For 7 years I lived as a hostage in my home where this man had his reign of terror. The boyfriend I had in 2004 reminded me of the mental abused I had suffered from so long when I was a child. All the feelings I had suppressed all my childhood came back. I felt helpless but I also stod up for myself which led to me and my boyfriend having spoken fights almost everyday. There was never any violence but screaming at each other was not who I am. I rather stay quiet than say how I feel. Then one day I broke down. I cried and felt helpless.

I had a complete mental breakdown. I feel almost that bad today but that breakdown was so bad that it’s a wonder I am alive today. Even though I was boken down I continue to work for a while until I couldn’t do it anymore. I saw a doctor that immediately said that I couldn’t work until I was better. Me and the boyfriend ended the relationship which was a huge relief.

Now I try to be kind to myself. After my dog Kajsa had to be put down I had a mental breakdown similar to that I had in 2004. I was hospitalized because I felt I couldn’t handle the pain myself. I needed help and I got it. Today I never do more than I feel is “safe’. I know what triggers my anxiety and depression. I get breakdowns from time to time even today but not that bad that I’ve had before. I try to protect myself all the time.

Here are some things that help me with my mental health.

Comfort food and baking goods.

Swedish pancakes with whipped cream and jam.
Princess cake.
Bisquits.

All the things that have to do with beauty.

Animals.

Exercise.
Laughing.

Exercising

I am doing all I can to get rid of my enormous belly. I know many of you probably think that my belly isn’t big but to me it is. When I was younger I never did any ab workouts because there was nothing to work on. Now I’ve been doing ab workouts with every arm and leg workout however I am not seeing that much of a change. I mean I’m doing a very extensive ab workout to get every part of my belly exercised. It’s lower and upper abs and more. I do an 17 minutes ab workout. I should have gotten further than I am.

The plank. Works your abs really hard.
This top hides my belly.
The jeans wants to break in every seem.

I feel my jeans going on a little smoother though. I know my legs have gotten bigger because of my exercise and that has something to do with my jeans getting too small. Before I had to pull them hard to get them on. I was afraid they would fall a part with every pull because I had to use all my strength to get them on. Even now I pull hard to get my jeans on but it doesn’t take that long anymore. It’s not a big change but I could have lost belly fat even though I don’t see any change. I compare my jeans to sausage “skin”. They are filled to the absolute max. I’m waiting for the day they won’t fit anymore. I have written this before and the fear of my jeans breaking when I’m in public isn’t gone. I’m happy every time I get home without any “breaking” incident happening. I have more jeans but they’re small too. Time to buy bigger I think.

The biggest change I’ve done when it comes to eating to loose weight is that I’ve stopped eating candy. I told you about it in “Sugar ban” where I wrote what I’ve done to ban candy from my life. It’s hard to do and I wrote that to possible help someone to also stop. I thought I never could do it but I did. I often ate candy to have something to do. I haven’t even touched any candy for a long time! I had to stop eating candy because it affected me and my body more than I thought it ever could. I’m not saying I will never eat candy again however now I’m not craving candy in any way.

These were my favorite things to buy.

From me and my jeans, we stay together until they break!

Trying

I tried. Let me tell you I tried! I tried to make a plate of food look good. Everyone who has read my posts about food know how “good” I am at making the food look tasty. It always begins fine but then it goes down hill. This “making it look good” was no different from every time I do this.

First thing’s first. I decided to make a real home cooked meal (except the potatoes that I bought frozen). I decided to make burgers and potatoes. To make it less stressful I was going to cook the whole thing in the oven. I made my burgers beginning with mixing bread crumbs and milk. I let it rest for a while.

Milk and bread crumbs.

I used half a red onion. I added minced beef, the onion, an egg and spices in the milk and bread mix.

I mixed it well and I put the hambugers in a oven form (that was the word I found for it). I made four, two for this dinner and the other two I put in the fridge to cook the next day. I put too much butter in the bottom of the oven form (I had to pour some out after a while). I placed a bakning paper on the oven tray and put the potatoes on it.

Too much butter!

I cooked it at 250 C for 30 minutes. After 20 minutes I added milk and whipping cream to the burgers to make a sauce.

Then it was time to put the food on the plate. The potatoes and hamburger went nicely but then I had to destroy it with a big splash of lingonberry jam. I find lingonberry jam delicious but I could have waited to put it on until I had taken the picture. It was tasty and to me it doesn’t look that bad but to everyone else it must look not that tasty.

Lingonberry jam everywhere.

I rate all my cooking after a “stress scale”. How stressful the cooking was. This was a 2 because I made it in the oven.

Should

I have a piece of Princess cake.

Should I or shouldn’t I eat it?

I should. And I did! It was tasty.

Empty plate! I scraped it dry. There are no crumbs I ate it all.

Happy easter!

Getting bigger

I wrote in the post “Stuffed” that there’s no difference between my body and a sausage. We’re both ready to burst. Me from my clothes and the sausage from it’s “skin”. I’m still stuffed. It even seems my body keeps stuffing itself and getting bigger.

Sausages.

I exercise almost every day. The only thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve had to downsizing my bra’s. That’s one part of my body I don’t want to get smaller. The belly keeps growing even though I do ab exercises with every workout. I know it takes a while to slim down your belly however I want it smaller now. My arms and legs are strong and they’re bigger because I exercise them. I’m not looking “muscular” but I feel that they are strong. Especially my arms. That must be the easiest part of your body to train.

I’ve been thinking about something. I can’t almost get my jeans on. It’s a struggle every time. I try to pull them up but to get them over my belly is almost mission impossible. I pull and jump too and it takes forever to get them to fit. When I’m out doing things I just wait for them to burst. I can hardly sit down because I don’t know If they can take the weight of me sitting down. Not to mention when it’s time to stand up. I’m happy every time they don’t just break. Another thing I think about is when I go to the toilet somewhere else other than when I’m home. What If I can’t get them on again? What If they won’t fit my belly? If that happened what would I do. Run home? If I’m in the mall do I have to have a walk of shame to a clothing store and buy a new pair of jeans? Maybe I should buy bigger jeans so I don’t have to think about it. I never had these problems when I was younger.

Me a couple of days ago.
Me now. Stuffier than ever. (The clothes have been washed since the first picture). The jeans struggle to keep themselves together.

Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Sugar ban

I’ve had to cut down on sugar. I wrote “sugar ban” however that’s not possible. There is sugar in everything. You can buy a freshly squeezed juice and think it hasn’t got any sugar in it. Wrong. Although it’s fruit sugar it’s sugar. Almost everything contains sugar. Even things you never would have thought about. For instance ketchup contains an enormous amount of sugar.

Yay I haven’t had candy for days!
I feel my belly is getting smaller after not eating candy. This is my candy belly I have no picture of my belly now. I want to slim down and get a small belly again. I don’t want this hanging fat.

You can only do so much. My sugar ban is about candy. I felt I couldn’t go on gorging down massiv amounts of candy every day. It got that bad that I had candy cravings from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed. Sometimes I felt that “I just eat candy today and nothing else”. When I ate all this candy I felt sick but I continued anyway. I felt the sugar affecting every part of me in a bad way. Quitting candy is something you can do to lower the sugar intake. I know sugar is harder to quit than many things. I think it can be harder to quit sugar than some drugs. What sugar does is that it makes you more hungry. When you eat candy you can’t take one piece your mind tells you to eat more.

I thought I could tell you some things I do to help me with my candy ban. It helps me and maybe it can help you.

*Stop “cold turkey”. Don’t just cut down. Then you keep your cravings going and you probably eat less for a while until you can’t anymore. Then you eat lots of candy again.

*After exercising I drink a protein and carbs drink. Those days my sugar craving is not that bad. It has nothing to do with the exercise. When I don’t drink that protein and carbs drink after exercising my candy craving is high. I would suggest that you in the beginning of quitting sugar drink one of those exercise drinks. Of course they contain sugar but it’s better to drink that and not eat candy all day.

*Everyone addicted to candy has one or many “candy moments” a day. That’s those moments when you crave candy the most. I try to distract myself when I have those cravings. Watch a film or something so you think about something else.

*Try to eat fruit when you want candy. I often ate candy because I needed something to chew on. I know fruit isn’t what you want but eating a fruit can help. There are many different fruits and try to find something you find tasty.

Try these and see how it goes.

Stuffed

I have a question. What’s the difference between me and a sausage? None. We both look stuffed ready to burst. We have a surface and an inside that stretches it to the max.

My clothes are easier to get on since I began adding ab workout to my exercise routine however I’m not even near where I want to be. I don’t eat candy any more and I want it to make some difference. It takes a while for any changes in your behaviour to show and I will keep on doing what I do. You want to see changes immediately but when it comes to exercise it takes a while before you see any changes. Me not eating candy is something I’m proud of. I don’t know If it will help but it’s better to not eat candy than to do it.

Stuffed ready to burst.
The clothes hide what I don’t want anyone to see. My legs and arms are strong however the belly is a disgrace. My trousers holds the belly in but I feel that my clothes soon won’t be able to hide it because they can’t take the weight and will burst open. I don’t blame anyone for thinking I’m pregnant. It looks that way.

I have been skinny almost all my life however with age it gets harder to stay that way. I have to think more about what I do and eat. I love food and I don’t want to take the pleasure of eating away but I have to think about what I put in my body. I try to think more healthy when it comes to food.

Workout

I think every workout addict out there find that non workout days are unbearable. I could workout everyday but I know it does more harm than good. When I don’t exercise my mental health gets crazy. I get sad and stressed and have this feeling of discomfort. I feel that my muscles will disappear on the days when I don’t do some kind of workout. If you’re a workout addict you know what I mean.

The funny thing is that I’ve read that on the days you don’t exercise is when you build muscles. I think it has something to do with that workout “breaks down” your muscles. When you take a day off they “heal” and your muscles grow. I try to think about that but it’s hard to not workout.

There’s nothing better than to exercise until you get shaky and the muscles are sore. I love being sore also the next day cause then I know I’ve done something that strengthens my body. I have to plan those workout free days. I usually plan something else to do. When I don’t have nothing else to do I often train even though I had decided not to. I can’t help myself.

Just a heads up. These pictures were taken after a hard workout session. That’s why I look sweaty. I know I should do a spray tan because I’m whiter than white.

This is my hair washed and fresh. On the rest of the pictures it looks sweaty.

You might want to pull your hair out of frustration when you don’t workout.
Instead if you can’t be without any kind of exercise do a full body stretch. It’s workout but a healthy workout.
The most effective stretch after upper body workouts.

Tears

I usually see my psychologist every two weeks. Recently I’ve found talking about my problems with her doesn’t help. Cause of that we now see each other more seldom. We meet every four or five weeks. I am that kind of girl that holds everything inside which is wrong but that’s how it is. After seeing my psychologist I feel that my problems worsen and I get these dark thoughts that make me sadder. I know it’s essential that I see my psychologist sometimes because even though I don’t want to talk with anyone. I feel that I have to have a place to talk about things I can’t talk about with friends. They don’t know how hard I struggle. I don’t want them to know. I won’t burden anyone else but my psychologist about how bad I feel. I also need a place where I can cry.

Me with a filter.

I saw my psychologist a couple of days ago. She realized my depression had worsen. It has. I might not write about it in my blogg that often however I can’t because I need to try and forget my depression sometimes. I find that writing about every day things helps. Even when all I want to do is cry I try to write about things that make me feel better. My psychologist said that I can’t have my depression take over my life. She said that everything I said to her was the depression talking. I don’t think anything is funny and all I want to do is hide from everyone. It’s hard to do anything.

My exercises make me stronger. Here you can’t see the big belly I wrote a post about “Slimming”. It’s in working process.

I have some things that help me with all the problems. Exercise and eating a cooked meal a day. The difference between workout days and non workout days is enormous. It’s crazy how much training helps me. I also eat a cooked meal a day. I don’t want to but I have to. Eating cakes and candy for dinner don’t help with anything. You have to feed yourself with nutritious food to have the strength to live with mental illness. This might help you.

Skin mistakes

I have learned the hard way what not to do when it comes to skincare. This time I will tell you about two skincare mistakes.

We were having many people coming over. You know what it’s like. When you have many people coming you want to look your best. A couple of days before that gathering I decided to wax my uppger lip and chin. I have lots of little light hairs on my face. Especially on my upper lip and chin. I didn’t want to look like the bearded lady and I wanted the hairs gone. I have waxed lots of time. I thought this would be as easy as it usually is. Of course it wasn’t. The hairs didn’t come off and I waxed and waxed. You should never wax one area on the face more than once. I waxed…………….. a lot. I pulled and pulled the wax strips but no hair was removed. Instead of getting the hair off I got burn marks. The skin was red and irritated. As the days went on the burn marks got more red and the skin began to peel off. This was the condition of my skin when the people were coming. I tried to cover the burn marks with make up but it made them even more visible. I sat there with hair AND looked like I had been in a fire with my face. I was the bearded lady with red flaky skin.

My second mistake happened on the SAME occasion. I bought an over night self tanning lotion. It was a self tanning lotion I’ve never tried before. I decided to use it the night before the people were coming. It was a dark shade and you should put it on one time in the evening. You should avoid the eye area. The description said you would have a healthy glow the next day. I put the lotion on twice thinking I would get a good color. In the morning I woke up to the darkest color I’ve ever had on my face and with white circles around my eyes. It looked like I had been in the sun for hours without sun screen and the white circles looked like I had worn sunglasses that stopped any sun reaching my eyes. No make up could hide the dark color and white circles. That day I was hairy had burn marks was 10 times browner that I had ever been before and had white circles around my eyes. No one said anything but they must have thought something.

Lesson learned, never do any waxing or try new self tanning lotions before an important event.

Bisquits

I had the biggest first world problem today. I mean it can’t get any more first world problematic than this.

I had bought a packet (couldn’t find a better word) of bisquits. It turned out the packet was burgular safe and I couldn’t open it. I tried everything and nothing helped. I tried knives and a pair of scissors.

My day is ruined! No bisquits.

Moisturizer

I find that one thing makes my anxiety and depression better. It’s skincare. I always feel happy when I buy skincare items. I’m even happier when I try new products. I know no skincare makes you look lots younger or flawless but it’s wonderful to try new products and wish that they maybe make some difference. I’m obsessed with my skin. I clean and moisturize* my skin every morning and evening. I couldn’t not do it. First I clean my skin. Then I use a toner. I think a toner is especially important in the evening to really remove dirt or make up that has been on your face the whole day. Then I use a serum and after that a cream.

I’ve used more different skincare brands though the years than I could ever count. It has been both non expensive and expensive ones. I have found great products in every price range. Often are the non expensive ones better. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s cause you don’t expect miracles when the price is low.

My favorite brand now is NUXE. I love it. It costs a bit but you can find their products to a good price when you compare different websites online. I especially love their moisturizers. They are really “creamy” and feels great on the skin. One jar of cream lasts long because you don’t have to use a lot when you use it. They have many different products however it’s the moisturizers that has made me love the brand. I’m going to review my favorite NUXE night moisturizer. It’s “Merveillance Lift and firm night cream” . I don’t know about the lift and firm but my skin feels soft and smooth after I have put it on. My skin looks fresher and wrinkles get less visible. I’ve used this moisturizer for a while and my skin feels “fresh” in the morning. The only thing I know many might not find that good about this and all their moisturisers are that they have a strong scent. I think it smells fresh and I love all the scents their products have.

I think I pay 20-30 euros for this moisturizer but because it makes my skin feel soft and last long it’s worth it. I’ll stick to it for now I think.

*In some countries it spells moisturi”s”er. I choose the word with the “z”.