Find me

I have a new place where you can find me. It’s Instagram. I am not stopping to post here but for now there is where I am. ceciliahelin.39.

Have a wonderful day.

Kiwi frenzy

I have told you about my obsessions with kiwi fruits. It’s because they don’t cost a lot. Even if I have many at home I can’t not buy new ones when I am at the grocery store. You get 10 kiwi’s for 3,5 euros which means they cost nothing. You never know when the price will go up. That’s why I am buying 10 every time I shop for groceries. I know it’s absurd. That made me think about what media’s approach to it would be.

“A woman was found with hundreds of kiwis in her home. Most of them were rotten but she said she couldn’t put them in the trash. ‘I have a bond to all my kiwis’ she said meaning that it would be like throwing out a family member. She also said she had named the kiwis and talked to them. When she was asked how it had gotten this crazy she said it wasn’t crazy. ‘They cost 3,5 for 10 kiwis. I have bought 10 kiwis two times a week for months.’ Do you eat any of them? She replied ‘How can I eat my family members? Michael or David? No I can’t.’

We looked around the woman’s apartment and found every room filled with kiwis. They had even formed gangs. Each room had one gang. They held to themselves apart from when a kiwi from another room entered their territory. Then they crushed it. We also found a room that was empty apart from a couple of kiwis aimlessly wandering around. They weren’t part of any gang and had to fend for themselves. In that room the lemons had had enough of all the kiwis. We saw a kiwi and a lemon fighting. The lemon shouted ‘leave this room alone. This room belongs to lemons’.

The social services had to take the woman away. She was naked covered in crushed kiwi fruits. She resisted crying ‘who is going to take care of my kiwis?’ The last thing we heard her say before she was placed in the social service’s car was ’10 for 3,5 euros’ over and over again.”

I am not there now but who knows what the future holds? Just kidding. I buy lots of kiwis however I eat them all.

Tomato pasta

I have a confession to make. I love pasta. I crave it often. Sometimes I just eat pasta with butter but that’s not very healthy. I also love pasta because it’s easy to make delicious dinners with it. I think both dried and fresh pasta taste good. I often go for the fresh version though because it cooks faster.

You know I get stressed whenever I make a complicated dinner. With that I mean when the dinner has too many ingredients or cooking techniques. Not to mention when it involves all the pots and pans you have. I know many thinks that those things isn’t a problem and I envy you. I would love to be like you. Reading recipes and happily cook whatever it is. I almost never follow recipes when it comes to cooking. Only because I feel like it always have too many things to do in them.

This dinner is the fastest and easiest you have ever experienced. Fresh tortellini in a tomato sauce. I do the whole thing in one pan. Because I used fresh tortellini I didn’t have to cook them before mixing them with the tomato sauce. I let them boil in the tomato sauce.

It tastes lots better than it looks.

I began with frying a red onion in butter. Not too long, just to get it a little soft. Then I added crushed tomatoes. I also added pepper, salt and oregano. I let it simmer for a while before putting milk and whipping cream in it. I turned up the heat to get the sauce to boil. When it boiled I added the “raw” tortellini. I used one tortellini with spinach and ricotta cheese and one with sundried tomatoes. I noticed that the spinach tortellini was gluten free which I didn’t know when I bought it. I let the tortellini boil for a couple of minutes in the tomato sauce. That was all it took to make a delicious dinner!

I have this stress scale when I cook. Number 1 is me feel little or no stress while cooking. 5 is when I feel I will faint from stress. This was a 1 on the stress scale.

Try it.

Getting help

I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.

A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.

When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.

I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.

dav

The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.

When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.

I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.

I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.

Weight

I struggle with my weight. You know that I have compared myself to a sausage because we are stuffed under our skin ready to burst. I don’t know however I feel that some of the fat on my body has turned into muscles. I exercise too much I know that. I have days where I don’t train at all but it’s hard. I want to exercise every day but it’s not healthy. I have to force myself to have exercise free days. I want to loose weight and too much exercise I think makes more harm than good. When you exercise everyday your body never gets to build muscles and burn fat. I have also told you that I can hardly get my jeans on because of all the fat. I think it also has to do with that I’ve gained muscles. I want bigger legs and arms and my legs are bigger. I think both the fat and my new muscles has something to do with me not getting my jeans on.

I can’t get rid of the pregnant looking belly.

The thing I should try harder with is food. I can’t go on a diet because then I’m hungry all the time. I know there are diets where you don’t feel hungry but they are complicated and you have to change everything you eat. For example I can’t go without carbs. Everywhere you look carbs is the cause of weight gain and lots more. When I don’t eat carbs I get physically sick. I have to eat something from every food “group” everyday. I try to eat less but then I’m hungry and I eat unhealthy. I don’t eat candy but I haven’t seen that helping with the weight. I will continue with not eating candy though because I feel better without it.

Swedish pancakes with jam and whipped cream. Very “good” when you want to loose weight.

I try and that’s all you can do. My belly is where almost all the fat gather. I have well trained legs and arms and then this chunk of fat on my belly. I do abs exercises everytime I exercise and I think the belly is getting stronger. I’m frustrated because I want the belly to shrink faster than it does. I will keep up with the abs exercise until I see some change.

Food list

I have this list I call “no thank you food”. This list contains all the foods I don’t eat because I find them disgusting or that I have some other reason that makes me avoid them. I know many eat all food that’s out there but not me.

*Salmon.

Salmon is something I find disgusting. I know many love it and it’s healthy to eat but I can’t even take the smell of it. For me it tastes……… I don’t know how to explain it but it has a “strong” taste that you can’t make go away what ever you do. You can pour lots of sauce on it but that doesn’t help. I don’t know how many dinners I have been invited to where salmon was served. I have had to force myself to eat the salmon. I try to eat it as fast as I can and then eat the potatoes or what ever the salmon is served with to get the salmon taste out of my mouth. I have tried salmon cooked in many different ways however it tastes disgusting anyway.

*Chicken.

Everyone out there that eat chicken often, don’t read this. I don’t want you to stop eating it. It’s a healthy meat to eat and I want you to keep eating it. The reason I don’t eat it is that my mom told me she watched some tv show where a man sat by a machine and kept cutting off the beaks of chickens. I think he did it because the chickens shouldn’t be able to pick on each other. My mom said the man violently picked up a chicken, cut the beak off. Then he threw the bleeding chicken to the side without any emotions. The thought of those bleeding chickens has made it impossible for me to eat chicken.

*Beer.

Not food but I had to add it to the list because I can’t drink it. I almost throw up when I drink it. The taste I find disgusting. I don’t think alcohol is tasty but beer is what I find the least tasty of all alcohol beverages.

*Carrot cake.

This also makes me feel sick when I eat it. It’s the cinnamon taste mixed with carrots that makes me avoid it. When I think about it, it’s the frosting that I think is what makes it impossible for me to eat it. I have a hard time eating cream cheese. Even though you mix the cream cheese with other things I can’t eat it. The cinnamon cake mixed with the cheese I find disgusting.

*Dessert cheese.

I don’t think those are the words for it but I mean cheese you get on a “cheese tray”. Gorgonzola and Brie cheese för example is something I can’t eat. They taste and smell like feet. When a cheese tray is served I eat the crackers and grapes and nothing else. A long time ago my mom made beef in a Gorgonzola sauce. I came home and the whole apartment smelled like sweaty feet. Not to mention the taste of feet and the salty taste.

I know many like these foods and I don’t in any way think it’s wrong to like them. It’s me that can’t take the taste.

Waxing

I decided I was going to wax my face today. I do it regulary. I have done it tons of time and I thought I knew how to do it. With age I have began having visible hair all over my face. Before it was hair on my upper lip. Now it’s also on my chin and my left cheek. Not on my right but on my left! I always wax my face because then it takes time for it to grow back. With waxing it also doesn’t grow back dark and “hard”.

I used the wax today I almost always use. It’s cold wax strips. I have used warm wax and “soft” wax but it doesn’t take off all the hair. I wax before I’ve put any cream on my face. A clean cream free skin make the wax get more hair. I began with my chin and upper lip. You should never wax more than once in one area. I know that but even so I found the hair on my chin didn’t come off. I waxed a couple of times even though I felt that my skin was “burning”. I also waxed my left cheek more than once. Let me tell you it burned! I didn’t think I was waxing the same area ons the cheek more than once however because of the burning feeling I must have done it. When I was done waxing I put on oil which I always do. Oil soothes the skin and removes wax residues. I thought that would help me with the burning cheek. But it didn’t.

The skin is fine here.
The burn marks aren’t that visible in this picture but they are there. And my skin is swollen.
I forgot to tell you that I accidentally waxed my hand. It got severe burn marks from the wax.
This is the next day. Today the burn marks are a lot less visible.

Now my left cheek is burning and the skin is red and irritated. I burned my skin when I waxed a long time ago and I know that it will be red for a while and then the skin will peel off. Make up doesn’t hide the burn marks. I will have to walk around with red skin and also skin that has “flakes” on it. I feel great. I have all these problems and flaky skin makes it even greater, not. I want to hide until the skin had healed. It’s not possible. I have to think about what to say If someone asks what I’ve done. I can’t say I have waxed my face. Great!

Today the burn marks on my hand are a lot less visible too. Feels great.

Fancy dinner

I made a very fancy dinner today. Pasta and ketchup. I didn’t stop there! I also added more luxury with some spices and butter. Don’t say I don’t know how to make good food!

They say that the food you eat should have many different colors. Here we have green, red and white! Don’t say I haven’t thought this dinner through.

It’s not a healthy meal I know! But sometimes I am tired and uninspired. I think this meal beats eating cake or candy.

You probably have or will eat a healthier meal today.

Helpless

I often think that we beat ourselves up all too often. We put impossible pressure on ourselves to fit in to what we think is right. You know we work over time almost everyday to show we are good employees. We fill every day with a thousands things to do. We should be happy and never feel sad. We should eat healthy. We go for long walks so we can put that information on social media. We smile on the outside but cry on the inside. No wonder so many mentally crash and burn everyday.

I crashed and burned in 2004. At that time I had a job I hated. I had a relationship that was drivning me crazy. My boyfriend at the time reminded me of the disgusting man my mom had a relationship with almost all my childhood. He was mentally and physically abusing my mom and me. Me he “only” abused mentally but my childhood was filled with fear and pain. For 7 years I lived as a hostage in my home where this man had his reign of terror. The boyfriend I had in 2004 reminded me of the mental abused I had suffered from so long when I was a child. All the feelings I had suppressed all my childhood came back. I felt helpless but I also stod up for myself which led to me and my boyfriend having spoken fights almost everyday. There was never any violence but screaming at each other was not who I am. I rather stay quiet than say how I feel. Then one day I broke down. I cried and felt helpless.

I had a complete mental breakdown. I feel almost that bad today but that breakdown was so bad that it’s a wonder I am alive today. Even though I was boken down I continue to work for a while until I couldn’t do it anymore. I saw a doctor that immediately said that I couldn’t work until I was better. Me and the boyfriend ended the relationship which was a huge relief.

Now I try to be kind to myself. After my dog Kajsa had to be put down I had a mental breakdown similar to that I had in 2004. I was hospitalized because I felt I couldn’t handle the pain myself. I needed help and I got it. Today I never do more than I feel is “safe’. I know what triggers my anxiety and depression. I get breakdowns from time to time even today but not that bad that I’ve had before. I try to protect myself all the time.

Here are some things that help me with my mental health.

Comfort food and baking goods.

Swedish pancakes with whipped cream and jam.
Princess cake.
Bisquits.

All the things that have to do with beauty.

Animals.

Exercise.
Laughing.

Exercising

I am doing all I can to get rid of my enormous belly. I know many of you probably think that my belly isn’t big but to me it is. When I was younger I never did any ab workouts because there was nothing to work on. Now I’ve been doing ab workouts with every arm and leg workout however I am not seeing that much of a change. I mean I’m doing a very extensive ab workout to get every part of my belly exercised. It’s lower and upper abs and more. I do an 17 minutes ab workout. I should have gotten further than I am.

The plank. Works your abs really hard.
This top hides my belly.
The jeans wants to break in every seem.

I feel my jeans going on a little smoother though. I know my legs have gotten bigger because of my exercise and that has something to do with my jeans getting too small. Before I had to pull them hard to get them on. I was afraid they would fall a part with every pull because I had to use all my strength to get them on. Even now I pull hard to get my jeans on but it doesn’t take that long anymore. It’s not a big change but I could have lost belly fat even though I don’t see any change. I compare my jeans to sausage “skin”. They are filled to the absolute max. I’m waiting for the day they won’t fit anymore. I have written this before and the fear of my jeans breaking when I’m in public isn’t gone. I’m happy every time I get home without any “breaking” incident happening. I have more jeans but they’re small too. Time to buy bigger I think.

The biggest change I’ve done when it comes to eating to loose weight is that I’ve stopped eating candy. I told you about it in “Sugar ban” where I wrote what I’ve done to ban candy from my life. It’s hard to do and I wrote that to possible help someone to also stop. I thought I never could do it but I did. I often ate candy to have something to do. I haven’t even touched any candy for a long time! I had to stop eating candy because it affected me and my body more than I thought it ever could. I’m not saying I will never eat candy again however now I’m not craving candy in any way.

These were my favorite things to buy.

From me and my jeans, we stay together until they break!