Having fun

I don’t feel that talking to a psychologist about my mental illnesses helps. I feel that talking about how I feel and why I feel like I do makes me feel worse. It’s a relief that there is that help out there for those who need it but to me it makes me more sad. And I don’t like talking about myself. I never have.

I remember when I was very depressed I found that seeing a psychologist was a waist of time to me. I always want to please everyone. When I visit someone to talk about my problems with I feel it’s important to make them feel they’re doing a good job. I say things like “I’ve never thought about it that way. You made me see things from another perspective.” I think “I already knew that can I please leave now?”

My psychologist I have now told me that not everyone feel that talking about somethings help. She was very smart that she noticed that about me. She said that we’ll stop seeing each other until I feel like I want to. To me it was hard going to our meetings cause that made me go through all the hard things we talked about again. Instead of thinking about my childhood and everything I’ve been through I try to find things that make me laugh.

The thing that makes me laugh can be lots of things. I love funny photos. Here are some of them.

“I’ll never think about a circus the same way again.”
“Always think about the animals first.”

Both are from my Instgram cecilia.helin.39

That’s my sense of humor.

It looks very much like I don’t have eyes here!

Needle

I think many of you grew up during the era where everyone wore shoulder pads. You couldn’t have too big shoulder pads! Many tops and those kinds of clothes had sewn in shoulder pads but we often added lose ones to get bigger shoulders. You never left the house without some added shoulders.

I have a memory from back then. It is rather funny. Most shoulder pads came with velcro. That made it easy to attach them to your clothes. I remember one time we were going out to a club. I wore a shirt without small He hshoulder pads, or no pads, and I wanted to add some to the shirt. The pads didn’t have velcro on them. I always used a sewing needle to attach those pads to the clothes.

This time I had to use needles. Sometimes the sharp end of needle “stuck” out of the shirt or whatever you wore. I remember this boy that tried to dance with me and wanted to go home together. He put his hand on my shoulder……….and the needle. That was not what he had expected! I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. Saved by the needle! He thought I wanted to be with him but the needle told him no! All of you feeling you want to get rid of an boy or girl that’s annoying you use a shoulder pad with a needle. Funny memory.

Funnier

I think everyone has to have something that makes you feel good. It can be anything as long as you don’t hurt yourself or someone else. Especially when your suffer from any kind of illness. To me that is music.

I have always been singing. Singing, playing instruments, writing songs and performing. For a long time because of my illnesses I didn’t do anything that had to do with music. I wanted to however I didn’t allow myself to do anything funny. To me funny is all about music. A while ago I began singing karaoke online. I just did it. My voice was shaky because I hadn’t used it for such a long time. I couldn’t find the strength in my voice I used to have. I began singing everyday and I found myself both enjoying and allowing myself to have fun. Now I take singing lessons and I love it. To many think I’m too old to do it but I don’t care. It’s my life and I decide what I do.

I want to begin playing the guitar again. But because there are many karaoke sites online I don’t have to play myself. I don’t mean I’ll never play the guitar again but for now online music is what makes me wanna sing.

I’m on the site “Smule”.

Sadness

I’m not a medial professional what so ever. But I’ll try to explain the difference between depression and being “just” sad. I wrote just with this “” because being sad can be unbearable and hard to feel. Being sad is when you are sad in direct “link” to something that happens to you and you feel it for a short while. When a relationship ends for example is what can cause you to feel sad. I know how heart breaking a break up can be. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up a long time ago. It took me almost a year to feel some kind of happiness. I could work and study but I felt that something (the love of my life) was missing. Everyone noticed how sad I was and it was very hard. All I did was think about him. It took like I said about a year to get over him but it got easier everyday and then I began living my life to the fullest. I cried when we just had split up but then I stopped doing that. Slowly I found myself feeling happy again. I do want to write that for many a break up can be the reason for a deep depression. Don’t get me wrong I know it can be impossible to get over someone. I used this as an example of “just” being sad because that was what is was for me.

A depression is a whole different story. For me my depression just didn’t appear one day. It took years of being deeply sad and being reminded of my horrible childhood everyday that lead me to depression. My childhood is the main reason I suffer from depression and every illness I have. What really pushed me over the edge was when I got in a relationship with a man that reminded me in any way of the man that ruined my childhood. It took a while but then I slowly began breaking down. I began losing myself. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I didn’t care about anything. I’ve been clinically depressed since 2004. I don’t feel less depressed all these years later. I never get used to the feeling I live with everyday. Depression is a feeling of total loss of everything that used to be you. I think I will be depressed for the rest of my life. It began with depression that has lead to anxiety among many different illnesses I suffer from. I don’t feel sorry about my depression and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. To everyone who’s depressed. I know how you feel!

Thicker eyebrows

I used to always add some color to my eyebrows. Either I used a black brow pencil or I colored them black. When I was younger I had very thick eyebrows. Then I was stupid and plucked them with a tweezer until there wasn’t hardly any eyebrows there to talk about. I regret that a lot today!

I didn’t color or use a brow pencil before a few years ago. Then I went all in and the color obsession began. I tried many different eyebrow pencils and lots of different eyebrows color brands. Sometimes I colored them………… and used a brow pencil too. I did this until I began to notice that I suffered from brow “hair loss”. My brows got smaller and smaller. I got bald spots all over them. Then I used more and more eyebrow make up to hide the bald spots.

Then I stopped doing all that. In the beginning I almost felt naked when I didn’t put any color on my brows. It was especially hard not to use the brow pencil. Then a while later I began seeing that my brows grew back. The bald spots had hair growing on them. My brows also got naturally darker. They are not anywhere near the brows I had all those years ago but they look fine. My eyebrow tip for you with brow problems is to do nothing to them. For all of you that want thick eyebrows but struggle with hairfall try to stop coloring them for a while. Then you can try doing it and see how your eyebrows react to it.

I don’t think you can see the brow but it’s there.

Tomato sauce

I have a first world problem that is a big first world problem. When you get tomato sauce on your clothes and can’t get it off. I can’t remember how many clothes I’ve had to throw away because of tomato sauce stains. Today I had almost eaten all my dinner involving tomato sauce without getting any on my top. And then…….pasta covered in sauce landed on my top. Is it just me? I never learn. I should cover myself in kitchen paper whenever I eat.

Sad forever

I shouldn’t do it but I looked at photos of my dog I had to have put down last year. When will the pain of losing her ever go away? I miss her more and more. A big part of me broke when she went to heaven. I can’t to this day believe she’s gone. I miss everything about her. She was crazy I know but I loved it.

Many say I should get a new dog but I can’t. I’ll never go through losing another dog. I miss my dog too much and no one can take her place. I know a new dog would ease the pain but I can’t!

Love you forever and ever my only true love.

Panic attack

I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.

For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.

Me during a panic attack. Not a good photo but it shows how I feel.

I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.

Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.

Silly joke

I don’t know but is this what they call a “gated community”? It looks very safe…………

Very big

“-This yoghurt is too big for me. You have to eat half!”

This is the smallest yoghurt I’ve ever bought! It’s tasty though.