Should

I have a piece of Princess cake.

Should I or shouldn’t I eat it?

I should. And I did! It was tasty.

Empty plate! I scraped it dry. There are no crumbs I ate it all.

Happy easter!

Getting bigger

I wrote in the post “Stuffed” that there’s no difference between my body and a sausage. We’re both ready to burst. Me from my clothes and the sausage from it’s “skin”. I’m still stuffed. It even seems my body keeps stuffing itself and getting bigger.

Sausages.

I exercise almost every day. The only thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve had to downsizing my bra’s. That’s one part of my body I don’t want to get smaller. The belly keeps growing even though I do ab exercises with every workout. I know it takes a while to slim down your belly however I want it smaller now. My arms and legs are strong and they’re bigger because I exercise them. I’m not looking “muscular” but I feel that they are strong. Especially my arms. That must be the easiest part of your body to train.

I’ve been thinking about something. I can’t almost get my jeans on. It’s a struggle every time. I try to pull them up but to get them over my belly is almost mission impossible. I pull and jump too and it takes forever to get them to fit. When I’m out doing things I just wait for them to burst. I can hardly sit down because I don’t know If they can take the weight of me sitting down. Not to mention when it’s time to stand up. I’m happy every time they don’t just break. Another thing I think about is when I go to the toilet somewhere else other than when I’m home. What If I can’t get them on again? What If they won’t fit my belly? If that happened what would I do. Run home? If I’m in the mall do I have to have a walk of shame to a clothing store and buy a new pair of jeans? Maybe I should buy bigger jeans so I don’t have to think about it. I never had these problems when I was younger.

Me a couple of days ago.
Me now. Stuffier than ever. (The clothes have been washed since the first picture). The jeans struggle to keep themselves together.

Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Sugar ban

I’ve had to cut down on sugar. I wrote “sugar ban” however that’s not possible. There is sugar in everything. You can buy a freshly squeezed juice and think it hasn’t got any sugar in it. Wrong. Although it’s fruit sugar it’s sugar. Almost everything contains sugar. Even things you never would have thought about. For instance ketchup contains an enormous amount of sugar.

Yay I haven’t had candy for days!
I feel my belly is getting smaller after not eating candy. This is my candy belly I have no picture of my belly now. I want to slim down and get a small belly again. I don’t want this hanging fat.

You can only do so much. My sugar ban is about candy. I felt I couldn’t go on gorging down massiv amounts of candy every day. It got that bad that I had candy cravings from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed. Sometimes I felt that “I just eat candy today and nothing else”. When I ate all this candy I felt sick but I continued anyway. I felt the sugar affecting every part of me in a bad way. Quitting candy is something you can do to lower the sugar intake. I know sugar is harder to quit than many things. I think it can be harder to quit sugar than some drugs. What sugar does is that it makes you more hungry. When you eat candy you can’t take one piece your mind tells you to eat more.

I thought I could tell you some things I do to help me with my candy ban. It helps me and maybe it can help you.

*Stop “cold turkey”. Don’t just cut down. Then you keep your cravings going and you probably eat less for a while until you can’t anymore. Then you eat lots of candy again.

*After exercising I drink a protein and carbs drink. Those days my sugar craving is not that bad. It has nothing to do with the exercise. When I don’t drink that protein and carbs drink after exercising my candy craving is high. I would suggest that you in the beginning of quitting sugar drink one of those exercise drinks. Of course they contain sugar but it’s better to drink that and not eat candy all day.

*Everyone addicted to candy has one or many “candy moments” a day. That’s those moments when you crave candy the most. I try to distract myself when I have those cravings. Watch a film or something so you think about something else.

*Try to eat fruit when you want candy. I often ate candy because I needed something to chew on. I know fruit isn’t what you want but eating a fruit can help. There are many different fruits and try to find something you find tasty.

Try these and see how it goes.

Stuffed

I have a question. What’s the difference between me and a sausage? None. We both look stuffed ready to burst. We have a surface and an inside that stretches it to the max.

My clothes are easier to get on since I began adding ab workout to my exercise routine however I’m not even near where I want to be. I don’t eat candy any more and I want it to make some difference. It takes a while for any changes in your behaviour to show and I will keep on doing what I do. You want to see changes immediately but when it comes to exercise it takes a while before you see any changes. Me not eating candy is something I’m proud of. I don’t know If it will help but it’s better to not eat candy than to do it.

Stuffed ready to burst.
The clothes hide what I don’t want anyone to see. My legs and arms are strong however the belly is a disgrace. My trousers holds the belly in but I feel that my clothes soon won’t be able to hide it because they can’t take the weight and will burst open. I don’t blame anyone for thinking I’m pregnant. It looks that way.

I have been skinny almost all my life however with age it gets harder to stay that way. I have to think more about what I do and eat. I love food and I don’t want to take the pleasure of eating away but I have to think about what I put in my body. I try to think more healthy when it comes to food.

Workout

I think every workout addict out there find that non workout days are unbearable. I could workout everyday but I know it does more harm than good. When I don’t exercise my mental health gets crazy. I get sad and stressed and have this feeling of discomfort. I feel that my muscles will disappear on the days when I don’t do some kind of workout. If you’re a workout addict you know what I mean.

The funny thing is that I’ve read that on the days you don’t exercise is when you build muscles. I think it has something to do with that workout “breaks down” your muscles. When you take a day off they “heal” and your muscles grow. I try to think about that but it’s hard to not workout.

There’s nothing better than to exercise until you get shaky and the muscles are sore. I love being sore also the next day cause then I know I’ve done something that strengthens my body. I have to plan those workout free days. I usually plan something else to do. When I don’t have nothing else to do I often train even though I had decided not to. I can’t help myself.

Just a heads up. These pictures were taken after a hard workout session. That’s why I look sweaty. I know I should do a spray tan because I’m whiter than white.

This is my hair washed and fresh. On the rest of the pictures it looks sweaty.

You might want to pull your hair out of frustration when you don’t workout.
Instead if you can’t be without any kind of exercise do a full body stretch. It’s workout but a healthy workout.
The most effective stretch after upper body workouts.

Tears

I usually see my psychologist every two weeks. Recently I’ve found talking about my problems with her doesn’t help. Cause of that we now see each other more seldom. We meet every four or five weeks. I am that kind of girl that holds everything inside which is wrong but that’s how it is. After seeing my psychologist I feel that my problems worsen and I get these dark thoughts that make me sadder. I know it’s essential that I see my psychologist sometimes because even though I don’t want to talk with anyone. I feel that I have to have a place to talk about things I can’t talk about with friends. They don’t know how hard I struggle. I don’t want them to know. I won’t burden anyone else but my psychologist about how bad I feel. I also need a place where I can cry.

Me with a filter.

I saw my psychologist a couple of days ago. She realized my depression had worsen. It has. I might not write about it in my blogg that often however I can’t because I need to try and forget my depression sometimes. I find that writing about every day things helps. Even when all I want to do is cry I try to write about things that make me feel better. My psychologist said that I can’t have my depression take over my life. She said that everything I said to her was the depression talking. I don’t think anything is funny and all I want to do is hide from everyone. It’s hard to do anything.

My exercises make me stronger. Here you can’t see the big belly I wrote a post about “Slimming”. It’s in working process.

I have some things that help me with all the problems. Exercise and eating a cooked meal a day. The difference between workout days and non workout days is enormous. It’s crazy how much training helps me. I also eat a cooked meal a day. I don’t want to but I have to. Eating cakes and candy for dinner don’t help with anything. You have to feed yourself with nutritious food to have the strength to live with mental illness. This might help you.

Skin mistakes

I have learned the hard way what not to do when it comes to skincare. This time I will tell you about two skincare mistakes.

We were having many people coming over. You know what it’s like. When you have many people coming you want to look your best. A couple of days before that gathering I decided to wax my uppger lip and chin. I have lots of little light hairs on my face. Especially on my upper lip and chin. I didn’t want to look like the bearded lady and I wanted the hairs gone. I have waxed lots of time. I thought this would be as easy as it usually is. Of course it wasn’t. The hairs didn’t come off and I waxed and waxed. You should never wax one area on the face more than once. I waxed…………….. a lot. I pulled and pulled the wax strips but no hair was removed. Instead of getting the hair off I got burn marks. The skin was red and irritated. As the days went on the burn marks got more red and the skin began to peel off. This was the condition of my skin when the people were coming. I tried to cover the burn marks with make up but it made them even more visible. I sat there with hair AND looked like I had been in a fire with my face. I was the bearded lady with red flaky skin.

My second mistake happened on the SAME occasion. I bought an over night self tanning lotion. It was a self tanning lotion I’ve never tried before. I decided to use it the night before the people were coming. It was a dark shade and you should put it on one time in the evening. You should avoid the eye area. The description said you would have a healthy glow the next day. I put the lotion on twice thinking I would get a good color. In the morning I woke up to the darkest color I’ve ever had on my face and with white circles around my eyes. It looked like I had been in the sun for hours without sun screen and the white circles looked like I had worn sunglasses that stopped any sun reaching my eyes. No make up could hide the dark color and white circles. That day I was hairy had burn marks was 10 times browner that I had ever been before and had white circles around my eyes. No one said anything but they must have thought something.

Lesson learned, never do any waxing or try new self tanning lotions before an important event.

Bisquits

I had the biggest first world problem today. I mean it can’t get any more first world problematic than this.

I had bought a packet (couldn’t find a better word) of bisquits. It turned out the packet was burgular safe and I couldn’t open it. I tried everything and nothing helped. I tried knives and a pair of scissors.

My day is ruined! No bisquits.

Moisturizer

I find that one thing makes my anxiety and depression better. It’s skincare. I always feel happy when I buy skincare items. I’m even happier when I try new products. I know no skincare makes you look lots younger or flawless but it’s wonderful to try new products and wish that they maybe make some difference. I’m obsessed with my skin. I clean and moisturize* my skin every morning and evening. I couldn’t not do it. First I clean my skin. Then I use a toner. I think a toner is especially important in the evening to really remove dirt or make up that has been on your face the whole day. Then I use a serum and after that a cream.

I’ve used more different skincare brands though the years than I could ever count. It has been both non expensive and expensive ones. I have found great products in every price range. Often are the non expensive ones better. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s cause you don’t expect miracles when the price is low.

My favorite brand now is NUXE. I love it. It costs a bit but you can find their products to a good price when you compare different websites online. I especially love their moisturizers. They are really “creamy” and feels great on the skin. One jar of cream lasts long because you don’t have to use a lot when you use it. They have many different products however it’s the moisturizers that has made me love the brand. I’m going to review my favorite NUXE night moisturizer. It’s “Merveillance Lift and firm night cream” . I don’t know about the lift and firm but my skin feels soft and smooth after I have put it on. My skin looks fresher and wrinkles get less visible. I’ve used this moisturizer for a while and my skin feels “fresh” in the morning. The only thing I know many might not find that good about this and all their moisturisers are that they have a strong scent. I think it smells fresh and I love all the scents their products have.

I think I pay 20-30 euros for this moisturizer but because it makes my skin feel soft and last long it’s worth it. I’ll stick to it for now I think.

*In some countries it spells moisturi”s”er. I choose the word with the “z”.