Christmas

I love all things about christmas. I love the “dimmed” lights the best. Everything looks better in christmas lighting. In Sweden almost everyone has christmas lighting in every window.

20171221_170430

It will only be Kajsa me and my mom this year for christmas. I couldn’t have it better than this. It’s less stress when we don’t have to go somewhere. We used to go to relatives every year but now we often spend christmas home.

20171221_170501

Food is a big deal when it comes to christmas. The thing that most in Sweden want on the christmas table is pickled herring. It’s raw fish in vinegar. That’s right raw fish in vinegar. That’s my least favorite dish and I never let it touch my plate. There’s many tastier things to choose from and the herring devours can keep their fish to themselves.20171221_170531

We don’t have a real christmas tree. We have a little plastic tree. A big tree takes up the whole room and there’s bugs in it.

20171221_170443

Sugar

I have had a sugar craving for some days. I don’t know why I can do without sugar some days and then suddenly I have to have sugar. I have told you about how I chew on sugarfree gum to not eat candy. Now however gum doesn’t help.

20171218_174315

Today after dinner I ate candy until I felt sick. I had everything from chocolate to sugary candy. I can’t only have some candy. I have to have lots. All candy eaters know how it is. You eat until you you feel full. You eat candy you enjoy but you also eat candy you don’t enjoy if that’s all you have. I don’t think all chocolate is tasty but if I only have non favorite chocolate at home during my sugar cravings I eat it. I don’t want it but I eat it anyway. I love candy.

 

 

Salad

I think that salad is a wonderful thing. You can put what you want in it and it can be healthy. Healthy if you don’t add unhealthy things in it. I could eat salad often. I try to.

There’s a side to salads that make me not eat them all the time. The cutting and slicing! I know it’s a first world problem but it takes a long time to make a salad. When you come home late you don’t want to spend the rest of the day in the kitchen preparing a salad. That and also that you have to buy many ingredients. I often forget to buy some of the things I want in the salad too and never get the salad I wanted.

20170911_164407

20170911_164541

There’s something that helps with all that. Ready made salad. I’ve found that it’s better than making a fresh salad. It’s fast and costs less than if you would buy all the things in it. This Ceasar kit from Dole is delicious. I buy grilled chicken and put in it. The kit contains lettuce, crutons, cheese and dressing. Yummy.

20170911_164846

 

Peel

I have to peel my face. I feel like my skin is dirty if I don’t. I do a deep clean often cause if I don’t the pores get clogged. I use face masks sometimes but I think it takes a bit long because you have to leave it on your face for some time.

My skin is on the oily side. That can often make the skin “dull”. Peeling now and then is good but peeling in a daily skincare is better. The best daily peeling I’ve found is Vichy Idealia peeling. You put it on like a tonic at night (when you clean your face) and leave it on.

20171212_171932

Often daily peels are too strong. Vichy’s peeling isn’t. It makes your skin tone even and your face feels deep cleaned.

20171212_172012

I give it 5 of 5 because it’s perfect.

 

Sugarless

I know I’m writing lots about depression now. I do it cause I feel more depressed than in a long time. I would do more humour posts if I could but it’s hard to when I don’t have anything to laugh about at the moment.

There’s a positive thing about my depression. I loose my sugar cravings. I eat lots of candy when I’m “balanced”. I usually can’t have dinner without candy afterwards. Now I haven’t had candy for some time. I don’t miss it.

I know sugar is hard to quit. I’m happy I’ve managed without it for a while. I have to say though I eat sugar things like cookies now but not as many like I usually do. Candy is my biggest source of candy and I feel like not eating that is a huge improvement.

20171209_171831

The thing that makes it easier for me to quit sugar is sugar free gum. There are many flavors to choose from nowadays and it’s easy to find a favorite one. I have some gum after dinner and that makes me not want candy. I know you think that’s easy for me to say I only have to replace sugar with something simple as gum, but that does it for me. I can’t say I’ll quit candy for all times, but every candy free day you have is better than nothing.

Fruit joke

A bad fruit joke. I have to tell you that.

20170725_155707

A retired banana and a youngster. Or a banana that doesn’t moisturize and a banana that does.

 

Vegan salad

I try to eat healthy sometimes. I often eat not that healthy and when I’ve done that for a while I have to clean my body. That means no meat and less sugar.

When I had the latest “cleaning” I made a vegan warm salad. Haha I know salad, or lettuce, is vegan in itself. Often though and what I mean, is that a salad has meat, fish or something like that added to it.

A vegan salad that only has veggies in it can be a bit “too little”. Only raw veggies almost never fills me up anyway. Warm veggies do if I pick certain ones. This salad was delicious. The things I used in the salad were oven baked potatoes, carrots, broccoli and brussel sprouts. I mixed them with plant based butter and salt and pepper. I love all those ingredients. I also put raw tomatoes and spinach in the salad. I didn’t warm them because I like them better raw.

20171130_163133

The rest of the meals that day were oat porridge, scrambled eggs and rice cakes. I know eggs are not that healthy but my body craves protein. Eggs are better than nothing. I exercise lots and have to eat balanced.

Better

I don’t think anyone should force their getting better from a depression method on you. I’ve had many “know it allers” give their thoughts but that didn’t help. The ones that make me angriest are those giving advice that never have been depressed themselves. I have to say there’s a difference between giving friendly advice and shoving advice down someone’s throat. I love those that care about you and want you to feel better. It’s the ones that think they know everything and demand you to do what they say that makes me angry.

With that said I thought I would tell you how I survive bad depressions. Firstly I do what’s good for me. The thing that helps me more than anything is being by myself and surf the net. I don’t answer calls or send e mails when I do it. I can’t avoid people trying to contact me for long but a day here and there is fine. I try to avoid websites that makes me sad or angry. To read and forget about myself is mind cleansing to me.

I eat what I want. I do that all the time but I eat more unhealthy than usual when I’m depressed.

20171130_175622

Haha bags with candy helps. I get excited when candy’s about that’s why the picture is blurry!

I avoid stressful social media. There are social media places where you have to post “everything is perfect” pictures and that stresses me out. This blog is not stressful and not something I avoid.

I think my “off time” is important. I don’t take work home with me.

These were some things that help me.

Depressed

I have hit the lowest low in my depression. I’ve felt the depression coming a long time now and it came with full force a while ago. I feel tired and have lost the will to do anything. I should be used to feeling like this but I don’t think you ever get used to it. I feel depressed all the time but not like this. There’s an expression in Sweden “walking into a wall”. Even if you haven’t heard that it speaks for itself. You walk into the wall because you’re too depressed and then you’re stuck in that feeling.

The first sign of deep depression for me is feeling sick like I’m going to throw up. This goes on for days and I loose all strenght. I’ve tried to take care of myself but there was nothing I could do about it. I feel like crying but I don’t.

A big reason for my depression is that I don’t have the medicines I should have. My doctor have given me different medicines to try. Nothing has helped. A while ago he put me on a anti-anxiety medicine. I got physically sick from it. I told him that I got sick but he wouldn’t listen. He told me there were no side effects like I experienced to it and I should keep taking it. I tried to keep taking it but I couldn’t. I got tired of trying medicines that made me sick and cause of that I quit the ones that made me sick. I have no anti depressant medicine at the moment cause of that.

20171125_154232

There’s not only depression at the moment. Today we had “sandwich cake” for dinner. A big sandwich cake! I love it.

Rest

I had to have a mental rest. My anxiety and depression have made me tired and I had to do nothing. That’s the only thing that helps for me. I have to clear my head when I feel that way. I’m that person that heal when I do nothing.

A side to me you don’t know about is that music is my thing. I’ve had music in my life all my life. I sing and write songs. All my life isn’t correct. I had many years where I was too depressed to play and write songs. I somehow denied myself from having anything to do with music.

Now I’m finding my way back to doing things I love. I’ve bought new instruments to mark kind of a new beginning. My old instruments reminds me of how I’ve felt in the past. You could think music instruments are only things but not to me.

20170907_175239

Kajsa gets relaxed when I sing.

My favorite music genre is rock music. I love it. I listen to a lot of music genres but rock is what I love.