I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.

A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.

When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.

I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.

The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.

When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.

I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.

I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.