I haven’t written anything here for a while. When I do write something it’s meaningless posts. I’m not stopping to write but for a while I have decided to only use Instagram. I would be excited if you would join me there! My account is cecilia.helin.39. Take care!
I feel like my depression has reached a new level of sadness. For a long time now I’ve felt how everything in me are “dying”. Not dying but I feel more sad everyday. I think it’s a combination of many things. Most of all it’s because I’ve taken on a lot. I hate to disappoint people. I often forget to think about what’s best for me and do what everyone around me wants me to do. I feel empty and sad inside. I had to take less of an anti depressant because it made me gain a lot of weight. I have gained 15 kilos. I never gain weight on my own. It’s always because of medicines. The anti depressant wasn’t that effective anyway. But the smaller amount affects me even so.
I feel uncomfortable. That’s the best way to describe how I feel. Like I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. And the sadness is numbing me. I don’t care about anything. I should be used to these feelings but I’m not. All you suffering from depression. How do you get through hard times. I would do anything to feel less sick.
I think that there’s a stigma around mental illness even today. Considering how many that are suffering from it, it shouldn’t be something you feel like you have to hide. Having an mental illness doesn’t make you a bad or over emotional person. It’s something chemical in your body that causes it. There’s a big difference between feeling “down” and being depressed or whatever it is you’re suffering from. My experience is that feeling down is connected with something that happens to you and it doesn’t last that long. It can be a break up from a partner. It hurts a lot but with time it usually gets easier. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up. I was heartbroken for a long time but eventually I began feeling like myself again.
I think mental illness often also are connected to something but it goes deeper than being down. I have my illnesses because of my childhood. For a long time I wasn’t affected about what happened but then something triggered something in me and I crashed. It began with depression and then I got anxiety and a lot more. I have met many that think I should “snap out” of it. If it were that easy I would have snapped out of it a long time ago. One person said I should go for walks because it was supposed to help when you’re feeling down. That makes me angry! To get rid of my mental illnesses I would have to go for a walk everyday and all day until my last day.
I don’t mean that you for example at a party should walk in and shout “I’m depressed!” Not at all. But no one should have to hide or lie about how they’re feeling. When someone asks me what I do for a living I say that I don’t work because I’m depressed. I used to feel bad when I said that. That’s because the one asking didn’t know what to say after I had told them. Now I say it and begin speaking about something else. Not because I don’t wan’t to talk about it but because I feel that I don’t want to burden anyone with how ill I feel. Remember, you feel ill but you are not your illness. It’s a full time job to be sick. Say that when someone asks you what you do for a living.
I have gone through many doctors during my days with mental health illnesses. Doctor’s who specialize in the mental health care are best because they often know more about the most effective way to help you. The issue with this is there are not many of them around. And when they leave they often don’t tell their patients. I’ve had two of those doctors at the clinic I’m at right now. Both left without saying anything. It takes time for the clinics to get new specialists. When they are looking for one they let “ordinary” doctors treat the patients. With ordinary I mean doctors that treat colds and those sorts of things.
Now since my doctor left I’ve had one of those ordinary doctors. We have talked twice. The first time we decided that I would begin PTSD treatment. For those of you that don’t know I had an awful childhood and that affects me even today. It’s the cause of my anxiety and depression. The reason I said it was a good idea to begin treatment was only because I wanted to make the doctor feel like she was the best doctor. I’m not ready at all to do anything until I have the right medicines to help me survive the therapy. We talked about my childhood and even though it was just a brief conversation it made me very ill. I don’t want to think about what it would be like to go through a whole treatment and not being “protected” by the right medicines.
I’ve told this to the clinic. They told me there’s a new specialist there. I’m about to see her in a while. My last doctor seemed a bit unaware of what she could do to help me. I wish this new doctor is better in what medicines that would help me. Until then all I can do is keep feeling sick and continue to take the wrong medicines.
I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.
For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.
I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.
Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.
I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.
I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.
Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.
What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.
I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.
You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.
If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.
I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.
On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.
A thing that I posted on Instagram.
If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.
I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.
See you there or sometimes here.
I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.
Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.
Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.
I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!
Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.
I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.
I wish you a great day and I’ll write again soon.