Crying

I feel more depressed than I have in a while. I have felt more and more stressed. I’ve had lots to do. I know my depression gets hysterical when I don’t get to calm down. I have a rule I normally don’t overstep. I try to not have more to do than I remember without writing it down. A “bit” confusing explanation.

I mean I never plan more than I remember without using a planner. A more confusing explanation but you know what I mean. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted lots to do. When I’ve been stressed for a long while I get light headed. I get that feeling I want to cry. The medicines I have make me not able to cry but I feel the sadness. If I would try to explain my depression and stress I would compare it to the feeling you get before you cry.

I haven’t had to use a planner to remember what to do but I’ve had more to do than I want to. I’ve had to cancel many projects ahead cause I don’t want to crash into a full blown depression. Nothing beats feeling the best possible. Nothing. No one can do everything.

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Candy. The best stress release.

 

 

Away

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I don’t know how time can fly that fast. I thought I would have a little blog break but it lasted a long while.

I had to do nothing for a while. My depression was getting crazy. I knew it was bad when I all I wanted to do was cry. I’ve learned that if I’m not careful I can crash down the depression hole and it’s hard to get well. I’ve often ignored how I’ve felt and that made me unable to do anything cause I got sicker than ever. After having a depression this long I know I have to think about myself what I want. I think we all often think we have to be there for everyone but ourselves. With that out of the way I hope you’re doing wonderful.

 

Depressed

I have hit the lowest low in my depression. I’ve felt the depression coming a long time now and it came with full force a while ago. I feel tired and have lost the will to do anything. I should be used to feeling like this but I don’t think you ever get used to it. I feel depressed all the time but not like this. There’s an expression in Sweden “walking into a wall”. Even if you haven’t heard that it speaks for itself. You walk into the wall because you’re too depressed and then you’re stuck in that feeling.

The first sign of deep depression for me is feeling sick like I’m going to throw up. This goes on for days and I loose all strenght. I’ve tried to take care of myself but there was nothing I could do about it. I feel like crying but I don’t.

A big reason for my depression is that I don’t have the medicines I should have. My doctor have given me different medicines to try. Nothing has helped. A while ago he put me on a anti-anxiety medicine. I got physically sick from it. I told him that I got sick but he wouldn’t listen. He told me there were no side effects like I experienced to it and I should keep taking it. I tried to keep taking it but I couldn’t. I got tired of trying medicines that made me sick and cause of that I quit the ones that made me sick. I have no anti depressant medicine at the moment cause of that.

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There’s not only depression at the moment. Today we had “sandwich cake” for dinner. A big sandwich cake! I love it.

Wanting

I am crazy mentally tired. It has been hard lately. Having a lousy therapist doesn’t help!

I don’t want to tell you the whole story but I’ve been without a therapist for a long time because of many reasons. I was happy when I got one a while ago. That happiness was short lived. My reasons for meeting with a therapist is to help with my anxiety and the behaviours it creates. This my therapist makes worse!

On all our appointments she has made clear that she doesn’t know if we can work together. I feel she means she doesn’t know if she likes me! I feel like I have to behave like she wants me to otherwise I’m out the door. That makes me angry. A therapist should be there for you and not say they don’t know if you can work together! Yesterday she almost made me cry from frustration. Not because we talked about something hard but because I felt her working against me. When we talk about anxiety her advice is only to cope with it. No advice on how to cope with it just that I have to cope. When you’re doing things to beat behaviours created by anxiety I feel like throwing up and fainting. To not know how to deal with that makes it hard to do. And the anxiety behaviours is the tip of lots of things that has to be treated first.

I’ve decided to not work with her anymore. I can’t have a therapist that makes me feel worthless.

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She is what makes me feel better.

Sadness

I’ve had my depression a long time. I don’t know of a time I haven’t been sad. I’ve never been the “typical” depressed because I’ve managed work and friends. There isn’t a typical depressed but many non depressed think that. I write many because not at all every non depressed are like this.

I can laugh and make others laugh. I don’t want to talk about my depression and that gives many the impression I’m well. I’ve been depressed all this time and I’ve encountered lots of know it allers. Especially the “snap out of it” individuals.

A depression isn’t something you can pretend it doesn’t exists. Everyone feels bad from time to time but that often goes away after a while. Feelings of a “easier” depression must be something everyone has experienced. A clinical depression though is another thing. There is some substance missing and it doesn’t go away without help.

The snap out of it “helpers” think a depression is something you only think you have. I’ve heard lots of things from them. They think going on a diet or going for a walk makes you feel better. It doesn’t! If it did there would be no vegetables left in stores and everyone would walk all the time.

A depression can get better if you take care of yourself but what that is only you can decide.

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Cake makes everything easier.

 

Having

I have been away for a while and that`s cause I`ve been sick. I caught this bad cold that left me with nothing to do but lay down. I used to think that having a cold was not a big deal. A cold was no reason to stay at home. I “used” to that is. Recently all my colds have left me unable to do anything. My mom had to take care of Kajsa and everything else because I couldn`t.

Kajsa and me haven`t been able to run for a while because of my sickness. I used to exercise even when I was sick when I was younger. I ran everyday and didn`t let colds stop me which was stupid. If you don`t rest while your sick all kinds of things could happen that makes a cold the least of your problems. Anyway Kajsa is a raging tiger because of the lack of exercise. She barks all the time and is more crazy than usual. Today I could have lost her because of her tiger behaviour!

What I mean with her being a tiger is that she looks to be hunting all the time. She has a thing for cars and especially now with no exercise she finds them more interesting than ever. Today I had to do some shopping and my mom looked after Kajsa when I was in and out of shops. I never leave Kajsa alone outside a store and my mom was with her when I wasn`t. I came out of a shop and my mom held her. This was where cars shouldn`t be driving. Suddenly a cab approached and Kajsa went crazy. Her collar just fell off and she went hunting for the taxi. She raced right at it and if it hadn`t been driving slowly she would have been gone. I yelled at the top of my lungs and she stopped. I took her away from the taxi and I was trembling. Kajsa wouldn`t calm down and I had to lay her down on the ground til she relaxed. I was hysterical but I had to keep calm to get her calm. I layed her down slowly and I pet her and talked in a calm voice until she breathed normally. If the taxi had driven where it should have this wouldn`t have happened!

 

What a day.

 

Control

My biggest first world problem is all about the tv. I don`t like when it`s broken or when there`s no good tv show on. If there`s no tv there`s nothing! The tv is the most important “furniture” for many and they almost build their houses around it. It`s mostly placed at the centre of every wall.

This is what my problem could be like.

-Where`s the remote control? (My heart races).

 

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It`s not here.

 

Where is it!?

 

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Not here either.

Where is it!!!!!!!?????????

 

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Whatever it is I haven`t done it.

Where

is

it!?

 

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My heart races faster.

 

-Everybody listen up. I`ve found it!

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-Calm down everybody. I found the remote and we can all continue to focus on the tv instead of speaking to each other.

 

 

 

Stress

I have had a stressfull week. I have had meetings and things I needed to do. Now my anxiety is high and I`m tired. Tired is not the right word. I`m more on the other end of that word. I haven`t gone running much this week instead I have taken long walks to clear my mind. Kajsa is great when I`m feeling like this because it`s easier to take walks with her than to do it on my own.

I have to think about how I feel. I can`t have too much to do. If I try to do too much my anxiety will get out of hand. It`s important to be kind to yourself. When you don`t feel like doing something you don`t have to then don`t. That`s something that`s been hard for me to do. I have always wanted to be there for others and because of that I have forgotten

about my own feelings. I`m much better at saying no these days.