Missing

I haven’t written anything here for a while. When I do write something it’s meaningless posts. I’m not stopping to write but for a while I have decided to only use Instagram. I would be excited if you would join me there! My account is cecilia.helin.39. Take care!

Depression

I feel like my depression has reached a new level of sadness. For a long time now I’ve felt how everything in me are “dying”. Not dying but I feel more sad everyday. I think it’s a combination of many things. Most of all it’s because I’ve taken on a lot. I hate to disappoint people. I often forget to think about what’s best for me and do what everyone around me wants me to do. I feel empty and sad inside. I had to take less of an anti depressant because it made me gain a lot of weight. I have gained 15 kilos. I never gain weight on my own. It’s always because of medicines. The anti depressant wasn’t that effective anyway. But the smaller amount affects me even so.

I feel uncomfortable. That’s the best way to describe how I feel. Like I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. And the sadness is numbing me. I don’t care about anything. I should be used to these feelings but I’m not. All you suffering from depression. How do you get through hard times. I would do anything to feel less sick.

Learning

I think that there’s a stigma around mental illness even today. Considering how many that are suffering from it, it shouldn’t be something you feel like you have to hide. Having an mental illness doesn’t make you a bad or over emotional person. It’s something chemical in your body that causes it. There’s a big difference between feeling “down” and being depressed or whatever it is you’re suffering from. My experience is that feeling down is connected with something that happens to you and it doesn’t last that long. It can be a break up from a partner. It hurts a lot but with time it usually gets easier. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up. I was heartbroken for a long time but eventually I began feeling like myself again.

I think mental illness often also are connected to something but it goes deeper than being down. I have my illnesses because of my childhood. For a long time I wasn’t affected about what happened but then something triggered something in me and I crashed. It began with depression and then I got anxiety and a lot more. I have met many that think I should “snap out” of it. If it were that easy I would have snapped out of it a long time ago. One person said I should go for walks because it was supposed to help when you’re feeling down. That makes me angry! To get rid of my mental illnesses I would have to go for a walk everyday and all day until my last day.

I don’t mean that you for example at a party should walk in and shout “I’m depressed!” Not at all. But no one should have to hide or lie about how they’re feeling. When someone asks me what I do for a living I say that I don’t work because I’m depressed. I used to feel bad when I said that. That’s because the one asking didn’t know what to say after I had told them. Now I say it and begin speaking about something else. Not because I don’t wan’t to talk about it but because I feel that I don’t want to burden anyone with how ill I feel. Remember, you feel ill but you are not your illness. It’s a full time job to be sick. Say that when someone asks you what you do for a living.

Therapy

I have gone through many doctors during my days with mental health illnesses. Doctor’s who specialize in the mental health care are best because they often know more about the most effective way to help you. The issue with this is there are not many of them around. And when they leave they often don’t tell their patients. I’ve had two of those doctors at the clinic I’m at right now. Both left without saying anything. It takes time for the clinics to get new specialists. When they are looking for one they let “ordinary” doctors treat the patients. With ordinary I mean doctors that treat colds and those sorts of things.

Now since my doctor left I’ve had one of those ordinary doctors. We have talked twice. The first time we decided that I would begin PTSD treatment. For those of you that don’t know I had an awful childhood and that affects me even today. It’s the cause of my anxiety and depression. The reason I said it was a good idea to begin treatment was only because I wanted to make the doctor feel like she was the best doctor. I’m not ready at all to do anything until I have the right medicines to help me survive the therapy. We talked about my childhood and even though it was just a brief conversation it made me very ill. I don’t want to think about what it would be like to go through a whole treatment and not being “protected” by the right medicines.

I’ve told this to the clinic. They told me there’s a new specialist there. I’m about to see her in a while. My last doctor seemed a bit unaware of what she could do to help me. I wish this new doctor is better in what medicines that would help me. Until then all I can do is keep feeling sick and continue to take the wrong medicines.

Sadness

I’m not a medial professional what so ever. But I’ll try to explain the difference between depression and being “just” sad. I wrote just with this “” because being sad can be unbearable and hard to feel. Being sad is when you are sad in direct “link” to something that happens to you and you feel it for a short while. When a relationship ends for example is what can cause you to feel sad. I know how heart breaking a break up can be. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up a long time ago. It took me almost a year to feel some kind of happiness. I could work and study but I felt that something (the love of my life) was missing. Everyone noticed how sad I was and it was very hard. All I did was think about him. It took like I said about a year to get over him but it got easier everyday and then I began living my life to the fullest. I cried when we just had split up but then I stopped doing that. Slowly I found myself feeling happy again. I do want to write that for many a break up can be the reason for a deep depression. Don’t get me wrong I know it can be impossible to get over someone. I used this as an example of “just” being sad because that was what is was for me.

A depression is a whole different story. For me my depression just didn’t appear one day. It took years of being deeply sad and being reminded of my horrible childhood everyday that lead me to depression. My childhood is the main reason I suffer from depression and every illness I have. What really pushed me over the edge was when I got in a relationship with a man that reminded me in any way of the man that ruined my childhood. It took a while but then I slowly began breaking down. I began losing myself. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I didn’t care about anything. I’ve been clinically depressed since 2004. I don’t feel less depressed all these years later. I never get used to the feeling I live with everyday. Depression is a feeling of total loss of everything that used to be you. I think I will be depressed for the rest of my life. It began with depression that has lead to anxiety among many different illnesses I suffer from. I don’t feel sorry about my depression and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. To everyone who’s depressed. I know how you feel!

Sad forever

I shouldn’t do it but I looked at photos of my dog I had to have put down last year. When will the pain of losing her ever go away? I miss her more and more. A big part of me broke when she went to heaven. I can’t to this day believe she’s gone. I miss everything about her. She was crazy I know but I loved it.

Many say I should get a new dog but I can’t. I’ll never go through losing another dog. I miss my dog too much and no one can take her place. I know a new dog would ease the pain but I can’t!

Love you forever and ever my only true love.

Panic attack

I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.

For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.

Me during a panic attack. Not a good photo but it shows how I feel.

I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.

Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.

Heart broken

I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.

I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.

I miss her everyday. My love.

Public anxiety

I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.

I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.

Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.

What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.

Me today.

Sad girl

I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.

You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.

If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.