Sad

I have felt more sad than ever. Since my dog, Kajsa, was put down I have had more anxiety and been very depressed. I can’t break this storm of emotions. Every day I feel what’s the mening of it all. My psychologist says I have to be kind to myself and not get caught up with grief. That’s sounds good but it’s all I think about. My anxiety is though the roof. I get panic attacks especially when I’m out in public. I’ve had panic attacks for a while but now I get them more often. My panic attacks begin slowly. I get this special feeling that grows into a hurricane. I don’t know how but I never show anyone these attacks. When I get them I try and get home fast. Or I find a place to sit and calm down. They don’t last long but they affect me deeply. After a panic attack I feel exhausted.

The depression takes over everything. I feel I’m about tlo cry whatever I do. Nothing makes me laugh or at least almost nothing makes me laugh. I was a happy person before. I suffered from depression long before Kajsa but after she was gone I find everything hard to do. A long time ago before I got this severe depression I laughed and was the “funny one”. I brought everyone to laughter. Now I’m funny but I don’t feel happy when I make someone laugh. I don’t know how to get better but I try and try and try and try. I’ve tried everything but nothing helps.

Every depressed out there – take care.

Breakdown

I often have these thoughts of what everyone’s breaking point is. The moment you go from being sad to full blown depressed. I have had two major breaking points. The first was in 2004 when me and some co-workers went to an “inspirational day”. We went to these events sometimes. The events were basically lectures and inspirational talks from people who knew what they were talking about. On this event a woman spoke about how you know you’re depressed. I had felt sad for a long time and this made me aware I suffered from depression. I struggle not to cry the rest of the day. When I came home I cried my eyes out. I also met with a doctor who immediately knew what was going on. All I did was cry.

I look happy however I cry lots.

My second breakdown was in 2020 when I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. I had felt I was dangerously near a breakdown for a long time. When this disgusting thing happened that Kajsa got too sick for me to keep her alive I broke down harder than anytime before. I felt I couldn’t live without her. I don’t know how but I found the strength to get help. I was hospitalized for a long time.

Anyone out there having these feelings GET HELP! I know it’s hard and all you want to do is hide and cry but you have to get help. When you feel you can’t go on, you need someone to make you go on. In a “mental institution” for example cook your food and clean. You don’t have to do more than staying alive which is hard enough. They stop you from harming yourself. I didn’t do much when I was hospitalized. I showered and wore clean clothes and that was all. I didn’t have an apetite but at least I ate something. I didn’t have to hoover or do any chores.

It’s hard to feel mentally exhausted. I know how you feel.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Flawless

I know we all have this idea that everyone around is perfect. Especially those we pass when we’re out and about. We know how most of our family and friends are doing however everyone else seems to have a perfect life. I know that I feel like an outkast sometimes because I am sad and everyone else seem happy. I struggle not to cry at the same time as everyone laughs and have a busy life.

No one has an idea of how I feel. Everyone see me as flawless. I never look sad. I wear make up. When I tell someone of my depression they don’t know what to do. They have this picture of what mental ill persons looks like which is not right. There are those you can see suffer from illnesses however the biggest part of us looks like we feel well. I have a friend who’s more than beautiful. She’s depressed.

Affected

I’m trapped in an intense storm of emotions. Me and my therapist are dealing with what I went through as a kid. I’ve hidden it all my life. I never talked about it when it happened and I haven’t talked about it since. Me and my mom talk about it however almost never.

For many years when I was little, my mom had a boyfriend that was mentally abusing us and he was an alcoholic. No abuse is acceptable and not this as well. For those years the boyfriend was with my mom he was nothing more than a destructive plague that ruined everything. I don’t want to write much about it because I’m not where I feel good doing it. I can tell you I’m affected from it until this day.

This man is the reason to every mental illness I have. My anxiety depression OCD and social fobia is his fault. I’ve tried to get help however everyone has wanted to taget the symptoms and not the cause of them which is that man.

I’ve read your abuse stories. That made me decide breaking the silence. I’ll leave it for now.

Ideas

I have learned to never judge someone before I know their story. I think about it especially when it comes to mental illnesses. There are average ideas about what a mental ill person looks and acts like however that is wrong. I think you could never know that about 99 % of all with mental illnesses are sick. There are some you can tell they are ill but most of us behave like every healthy person does.

I don’t drink alcohol or smoke. I take care of myself. You wouldn’t think I had any mental illness in case we would meet at a party or something. I think I’m rather intelligent. We would talk about everything. It wouldn’t come up until you asked me how I feel. I never begin to or talk about my sickness in any situation until I get asked about it. I think that is unfair to the surroundings. Mental illness even these days has some stigma about it. Many of those you talk to about it don’t know what to say when you tell them.

Could you tell I’m ill from this picture?

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More often than not, everyone I ‘ve encountered with mental illness has acted like every sane person would. You could think we would cry all the time but we’re not. We don’ t look crazy. We are like you.

 

Release

I have felt very bad. That is why I have not written anything. Some days I have felt that I don’t want to keep on struggling with my illnesses. I should be used to feeling mentally done but I don’t think you ever do that. The feeling I have is that I have to release all the negativity. I want to feel something good. It’s not something you do fast. It takes a while but I am doing everything to get there.

I want to cry however I can’t. The medicine I take doesn’t take away the sadness but I can’t cry. Nothing helps as good as crying but when you can’t you keep it inside. It feels as though I will break down because I can’t get some crying action. I could not take anything to help with the sadness but everyone who has a mental illness and doesn’t take anything knows how bad that is.

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There is one positive side to this I don’t eat all that candy I used to devour.

 

Approach

I have lots to tell you. Not lots however explain where I’ve been. I have never told you why I suffer from anxiety and all that. It’s because of how my life was as a kid. My mom had a man who was an alcoholic. They lived together for most of my younger years. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because when I do my anxiety and everything I suffer from gets bad. That’s why I haven’t been able to write anything.

For some years I’ve been going to a center that treats mental illnesses. From the beginning I’ve wanted to come to terms with what I experienced when I was young but nothing has come from it. For example I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. We have these meaningless conversations about everyday things. I’ve mentioned the alcoholic man and I’ve said I wanted to treat everything that came from that. Everytime I talked about it I’ve gotten more depressed and everytime the therapist didn’t do anything. Everytime I’ve also said it affected me too much to not do anything about it.

Now the therapist has said we can’t keep meeting because it leads no where. That’s because we have avoided the reason I feel bad. To talk about nothing instead of why I have all these feelings is why our talks leads no where.

We haven’t more than talked a little about the alcoholic man but it has made me more depressed than ever. That’s why I haven’t written anything. Now I think my therapist have gotten that I can never feel better without approaching the hard times. We’ll see.

Caring

I have this caring side. I am very emphatic. VERY emphatic. It’s not that positive. I love that I never hurt anyone. I almost never get a bad conscience cause I’ve said or done anything hurtful. But it can be very exhausting. I sense how everyone feel. When I meet someone their thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t be in a crowded place for too long because I get tired.

I can’t read thoughts or anything crazy like that but I sense feelings and moods. I’ve never stood up for myself. I’m lots better at that now but not enough. It comes with age that you get more secure about stuff like that, but when I was younger I never stood up for myself. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I remember when I applied for a job as a switchboard operator for a motorcycle taxi company. Apparently did the (male) interviewer think I was too nice which wasn’t what they looked for in a operator. He rudely said their employees shouldn’t be like me. I should have told him to f…. off but instead I apologized! I didn’t want to hurt him.

I think my depression to some extent comes from feeling too much empathy. To only think about everyone around you can make you ill. I struggle with this everyday. I’m better but not quite there.

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I can’t cut flowers because I think it hurts them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have to

I get it I couldn’t get it more. I’m the best blogger. I do everything right. No I’m not. I have been more absent than ever. I have been depressed but the biggest reason why is something I haven’t written about. OCD. I suffer from severe OCD.This is nothing I like talking about. But like depression OCD gets a stigma about it when no one mentions it.

Most have some OCD. It can be everything from cleanliness to obsessions with turning off electrical objects and much more. For those with minor OCD it doesn’t affect them much. My OCD has something to do with everything I do. I haven’t posted anything for what seems like forever because my OCD couldn’t find a proper date for my next post to be written on. I know it’s hilarious how a date can be that important that you can’t post anything until it feels right. My logical side knows that but my OCD side usually gets the upper hand and decides my actions. Everything about OCD is crippling. You can’t do anything without having to think about it. 

I leave it for now. I’ll write more about it but not now.