I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.
I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.
I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.
I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.
Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.
Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.
I have found some ways to get through those days when my depression is hysterical. I’m depressed all the time but at times I get knocked down by my sadness. It’s almost impossible to find something that makes thing a little easier. My favorite treatment for depression is to buy skincare. I often buy the more cheaper products but when I’m really sad I buy some expensive skincare products. I don’t mean I buy extremely expensive products. I buy things that are a little more on the expensive side than I normally buy.
Clinique is one of my favorite expensive brand. They have products that are too expensive even for me. I would never buy something for hundreds of euros. I often buy their cleansing things. They don’t cost that much and they last a long time.
When I wear make up I double cleans in the evening. I often use my regular cleanser twice to get rid of all make up. I clean twice because I want to be certain all my make up has been rinsed off when I go to bed. When I was really depressed a while ago I bought Clinique’s “All about clean”. It’s a make up remover. I use it first in my cleaning routine when I’ve worn make up. It removes all make up even the eye make up. After that I use my regular cleanser. I feel that I have to use my everyday cleanser after the make up cleanser to remove dirt and clean the pores.
I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!
Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.
I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.
I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.
A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.
When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.
I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.
The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.
When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.
I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.
I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.
I often think that we beat ourselves up all too often. We put impossible pressure on ourselves to fit in to what we think is right. You know we work over time almost everyday to show we are good employees. We fill every day with a thousands things to do. We should be happy and never feel sad. We should eat healthy. We go for long walks so we can put that information on social media. We smile on the outside but cry on the inside. No wonder so many mentally crash and burn everyday.
I crashed and burned in 2004. At that time I had a job I hated. I had a relationship that was drivning me crazy. My boyfriend at the time reminded me of the disgusting man my mom had a relationship with almost all my childhood. He was mentally and physically abusing my mom and me. Me he “only” abused mentally but my childhood was filled with fear and pain. For 7 years I lived as a hostage in my home where this man had his reign of terror. The boyfriend I had in 2004 reminded me of the mental abused I had suffered from so long when I was a child. All the feelings I had suppressed all my childhood came back. I felt helpless but I also stod up for myself which led to me and my boyfriend having spoken fights almost everyday. There was never any violence but screaming at each other was not who I am. I rather stay quiet than say how I feel. Then one day I broke down. I cried and felt helpless.
I had a complete mental breakdown. I feel almost that bad today but that breakdown was so bad that it’s a wonder I am alive today. Even though I was boken down I continue to work for a while until I couldn’t do it anymore. I saw a doctor that immediately said that I couldn’t work until I was better. Me and the boyfriend ended the relationship which was a huge relief.
Now I try to be kind to myself. After my dog Kajsa had to be put down I had a mental breakdown similar to that I had in 2004. I was hospitalized because I felt I couldn’t handle the pain myself. I needed help and I got it. Today I never do more than I feel is “safe’. I know what triggers my anxiety and depression. I get breakdowns from time to time even today but not that bad that I’ve had before. I try to protect myself all the time.
Here are some things that help me with my mental health.
I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.
The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.
The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.
I usually see my psychologist every two weeks. Recently I’ve found talking about my problems with her doesn’t help. Cause of that we now see each other more seldom. We meet every four or five weeks. I am that kind of girl that holds everything inside which is wrong but that’s how it is. After seeing my psychologist I feel that my problems worsen and I get these dark thoughts that make me sadder. I know it’s essential that I see my psychologist sometimes because even though I don’t want to talk with anyone. I feel that I have to have a place to talk about things I can’t talk about with friends. They don’t know how hard I struggle. I don’t want them to know. I won’t burden anyone else but my psychologist about how bad I feel. I also need a place where I can cry.
I saw my psychologist a couple of days ago. She realized my depression had worsen. It has. I might not write about it in my blogg that often however I can’t because I need to try and forget my depression sometimes. I find that writing about every day things helps. Even when all I want to do is cry I try to write about things that make me feel better. My psychologist said that I can’t have my depression take over my life. She said that everything I said to her was the depression talking. I don’t think anything is funny and all I want to do is hide from everyone. It’s hard to do anything.
I have some things that help me with all the problems. Exercise and eating a cooked meal a day. The difference between workout days and non workout days is enormous. It’s crazy how much training helps me. I also eat a cooked meal a day. I don’t want to but I have to. Eating cakes and candy for dinner don’t help with anything. You have to feed yourself with nutritious food to have the strength to live with mental illness. This might help you.
I find that the one thing that affect my depression more than anything else is cooking. I don’t have an appetite and get stressed when it’s time to cook. All I want to do is cry when I go to the kitchen to make dinner. I get stressed when there’s too many steps to make a dish or that it takes too long make it. I try to do things that are fast and easy.
I know there are those that find cooking relaxing. I’m jealous of you. When you say cooking calms you down I want to be that way. I wish I could say that too. To me it’s just a pain. The hardest part is to figure out what to cook. I have lived on my own sometimes and I’m not proud to say my cooking routine has been a disgrace then. There have been times where I’ve eaten candy or cake for dinner. Disgusting I know. But If you’re not hungry and you’re depressed enough to just want to cry your eyes out cooking, eating healthy is not important.
All the cooking I do and post here is the easiest possible. I could make food that would impress you but that would be too hard for me. The funny thing about it is that I’m a good cook. I often get positive feedback when I cook. I don’t know how it’s possible. It must be that I love food (even though I’m not hungry) and cook what I enjoy to eat.
With all this in mind I’ve decided to grade all the food I upload in a “stress inducing” scale. I know it’s not just me that find cooking hard and this may help you to cook “stress free” things. Number 1 is the lowest stress inducing and 5 the highest. I will name it stress scale.
My first stress scale dinner is a number 1 boarding on number 2. It’s the easiest pasta dish you can make. Fill a saucepan with water. Put the pasta in the cold water. When the water begin to heat up the pasta also begin cooking. It saves a lot of time. When the pasta is ready you drain the water. Put the pasta back in the saucepan. Add butter, tinned crushed tomatoes, milk, cream and spices. Let it cook for a while. That’s it! It’s fast and tasty. Serve with vegetables or what I have on the plate fruit. It’s good to have some vitamins with dinner.
I have felt more sad than ever. Since my dog, Kajsa, was put down I have had more anxiety and been very depressed. I can’t break this storm of emotions. Every day I feel what’s the mening of it all. My psychologist says I have to be kind to myself and not get caught up with grief. That’s sounds good but it’s all I think about. My anxiety is though the roof. I get panic attacks especially when I’m out in public. I’ve had panic attacks for a while but now I get them more often. My panic attacks begin slowly. I get this special feeling that grows into a hurricane. I don’t know how but I never show anyone these attacks. When I get them I try and get home fast. Or I find a place to sit and calm down. They don’t last long but they affect me deeply. After a panic attack I feel exhausted.
The depression takes over everything. I feel I’m about tlo cry whatever I do. Nothing makes me laugh or at least almost nothing makes me laugh. I was a happy person before. I suffered from depression long before Kajsa but after she was gone I find everything hard to do. A long time ago before I got this severe depression I laughed and was the “funny one”. I brought everyone to laughter. Now I’m funny but I don’t feel happy when I make someone laugh. I don’t know how to get better but I try and try and try and try. I’ve tried everything but nothing helps.