Release

I have felt very bad. That is why I have not written anything. Some days I have felt that I don’t want to keep on struggling with my illnesses. I should be used to feeling mentally done but I don’t think you ever do that. The feeling I have is that I have to release all the negativity. I want to feel something good. It’s not something you do fast. It takes a while but I am doing everything to get there.

I want to cry however I can’t. The medicine I take doesn’t take away the sadness but I can’t cry. Nothing helps as good as crying but when you can’t you keep it inside. It feels as though I will break down because I can’t get some crying action. I could not take anything to help with the sadness but everyone who has a mental illness and doesn’t take anything knows how bad that is.

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There is one positive side to this I don’t eat all that candy I used to devour.

 

Approach

I have lots to tell you. Not lots however explain where I’ve been. I have never told you why I suffer from anxiety and all that. It’s because of how my life was as a kid. My mom had a man who was an alcoholic. They lived together for most of my younger years. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because when I do my anxiety and everything I suffer from gets bad. That’s why I haven’t been able to write anything.

For some years I’ve been going to a center that treats mental illnesses. From the beginning I’ve wanted to come to terms with what I experienced when I was young but nothing has come from it. For example I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. We have these meaningless conversations about everyday things. I’ve mentioned the alcoholic man and I’ve said I wanted to treat everything that came from that. Everytime I talked about it I’ve gotten more depressed and everytime the therapist didn’t do anything. Everytime I’ve also said it affected me too much to not do anything about it.

Now the therapist has said we can’t keep meeting because it leads no where. That’s because we have avoided the reason I feel bad. To talk about nothing instead of why I have all these feelings is why our talks leads no where.

We haven’t more than talked a little about the alcoholic man but it has made me more depressed than ever. That’s why I haven’t written anything. Now I think my therapist have gotten that I can never feel better without approaching the hard times. We’ll see.

Caring

I have this caring side. I am very emphatic. VERY emphatic. It’s not that positive. I love that I never hurt anyone. I almost never get a bad conscience cause I’ve said or done anything hurtful. But it can be very exhausting. I sense how everyone feel. When I meet someone their thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t be in a crowded place for too long because I get tired.

I can’t read thoughts or anything crazy like that but I sense feelings and moods. I’ve never stood up for myself. I’m lots better at that now but not enough. It comes with age that you get more secure about stuff like that, but when I was younger I never stood up for myself. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I remember when I applied for a job as a switchboard operator for a motorcycle taxi company. Apparently did the (male) interviewer think I was too nice which wasn’t what they looked for in a operator. He rudely said their employees shouldn’t be like me. I should have told him to f…. off but instead I apologized! I didn’t want to hurt him.

I think my depression to some extent comes from feeling too much empathy. To only think about everyone around you can make you ill. I struggle with this everyday. I’m better but not quite there.

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I can’t cut flowers because I think it hurts them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have to

I get it I couldn’t get it more. I’m the best blogger. I do everything right. No I’m not. I have been more absent than ever. I have been depressed but the biggest reason why is something I haven’t written about. OCD. I suffer from severe OCD.This is nothing I like talking about. But like depression OCD gets a stigma about it when no one mentions it.

Most have some OCD. It can be everything from cleanliness to obsessions with turning off electrical objects and much more. For those with minor OCD it doesn’t affect them much. My OCD has something to do with everything I do. I haven’t posted anything for what seems like forever because my OCD couldn’t find a proper date for my next post to be written on. I know it’s hilarious how a date can be that important that you can’t post anything until it feels right. My logical side knows that but my OCD side usually gets the upper hand and decides my actions. Everything about OCD is crippling. You can’t do anything without having to think about it. 

I leave it for now. I’ll write more about it but not now.

 

Getting better

I want to get well. I don’t want my anxiety and depression. I don’t want to feel like I do all the time. All this time I’ve been trying to get better and I get nothing for it. When you take care of yourself and you don’t do drugs to sedate yourself you don’t get the help you should get. Not me anyway.

I don’t know how it is in your country, in Sweden it’s hard to get a doctor. There are no doctors. To get a doctor specialized in the mental area are impossible. I’ve had specialized doctors however for a while I’ve had “normal” ones that doesn’t know much when it comes to mental health. Because of the shortage of specialized doctors the clinic I belong to has had to employ the doctors that are available. They don’t get anything.

I take care of myself and it’s like the doctors don’t get that you can feel ill because of that. I shower and keep myself presentable. I don’t know why I shouldn’t feel depressed because of that.

 

Happy

I’ve had a bad depression for a while now. It has made me unable to do anything. Sometimes it helps to talk about it here but not lately. I had to take time off everything and break down. I have felt sick because I was that sad. I have felt that I don’t want to carry on. Now I have to do what I can to get better.

I have to find my happiness somehow. I know I can’t keep on feeling sad. Sad isn’t right rather devastated. I can’t have my depression decide anything anymore.

I’m strong.

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Better

It’s a long time since I was here. The reason is a complete breakdown. I felt for a while how my depression got deeper. I tried to get better myself but nothing made me feel happy. Then I literary crashed. I felt weak and lost hope for everything. I wanted to lock myself in a room and never come out. If you’ve never had a depression it’s hard to know the feeling but I felt that nothing made sense.

I thought I was over those depression episodes but I wasn’t. Even if you’re on a medication you can get ill whenever you’re least expect it. I feel better now however I have to think about what I do. I can’t do everything at once. That’s what got me this ill. You have to think about what’s best for you not those around you. I only do a short post today.

 

 

Crying

I feel more depressed than I have in a while. I have felt more and more stressed. I’ve had lots to do. I know my depression gets hysterical when I don’t get to calm down. I have a rule I normally don’t overstep. I try to not have more to do than I remember without writing it down. A “bit” confusing explanation.

I mean I never plan more than I remember without using a planner. A more confusing explanation but you know what I mean. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted lots to do. When I’ve been stressed for a long while I get light headed. I get that feeling I want to cry. The medicines I have make me not able to cry but I feel the sadness. If I would try to explain my depression and stress I would compare it to the feeling you get before you cry.

I haven’t had to use a planner to remember what to do but I’ve had more to do than I want to. I’ve had to cancel many projects ahead cause I don’t want to crash into a full blown depression. Nothing beats feeling the best possible. Nothing. No one can do everything.

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Candy. The best stress release.

 

 

Surrender

I have been depressed for a long time. At first I didn’t know I was depressed. I knew but cause I had felt sad for a long time my sadness had become a normal state of mind. I cried everyday and I felt trapped. Everything I had enjoyed doing I didn’t do anymore. I never laughed.

I knew about depression but because my normal state of sadness was…….normal I didn’t think about it that way. Someone had to tell me I was ill. Realizing how ill I was I broke down. I cried my eyes out. I surrendered and felt how helpless I was.

The hardest aspect of surrender was that the doctor I had said I couldn’t work. I don’t know if reporting sick is the right phrase but she wrote a note and she said I should give it to my boss. I often think about everyone else but me. I could take the depression but not that it would involve my co workers. I remember that day. I went to a co worker and told her. She helped me with everything.

I struggled a long time with the feeling I had let people down because I couldn’t work. Don’t be afraid to get help when you suffer from any illness. Often it is easier to admit to yourself how you feel than to everyone else. Put yourself first.

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Away

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I don’t know how time can fly that fast. I thought I would have a little blog break but it lasted a long while.

I had to do nothing for a while. My depression was getting crazy. I knew it was bad when I all I wanted to do was cry. I’ve learned that if I’m not careful I can crash down the depression hole and it’s hard to get well. I’ve often ignored how I’ve felt and that made me unable to do anything cause I got sicker than ever. After having a depression this long I know I have to think about myself what I want. I think we all often think we have to be there for everyone but ourselves. With that out of the way I hope you’re doing wonderful.