I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.
I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.
I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.
I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.
Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.
What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.
I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.
You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.
If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.
I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.
I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.
I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.
I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.
Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.
Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.
I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!
Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.
I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.
I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.
A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.
When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.
I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.
The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.
When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.
I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.
I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.
I often think that we beat ourselves up all too often. We put impossible pressure on ourselves to fit in to what we think is right. You know we work over time almost everyday to show we are good employees. We fill every day with a thousands things to do. We should be happy and never feel sad. We should eat healthy. We go for long walks so we can put that information on social media. We smile on the outside but cry on the inside. No wonder so many mentally crash and burn everyday.
I crashed and burned in 2004. At that time I had a job I hated. I had a relationship that was drivning me crazy. My boyfriend at the time reminded me of the disgusting man my mom had a relationship with almost all my childhood. He was mentally and physically abusing my mom and me. Me he “only” abused mentally but my childhood was filled with fear and pain. For 7 years I lived as a hostage in my home where this man had his reign of terror. The boyfriend I had in 2004 reminded me of the mental abused I had suffered from so long when I was a child. All the feelings I had suppressed all my childhood came back. I felt helpless but I also stod up for myself which led to me and my boyfriend having spoken fights almost everyday. There was never any violence but screaming at each other was not who I am. I rather stay quiet than say how I feel. Then one day I broke down. I cried and felt helpless.
I had a complete mental breakdown. I feel almost that bad today but that breakdown was so bad that it’s a wonder I am alive today. Even though I was boken down I continue to work for a while until I couldn’t do it anymore. I saw a doctor that immediately said that I couldn’t work until I was better. Me and the boyfriend ended the relationship which was a huge relief.
Now I try to be kind to myself. After my dog Kajsa had to be put down I had a mental breakdown similar to that I had in 2004. I was hospitalized because I felt I couldn’t handle the pain myself. I needed help and I got it. Today I never do more than I feel is “safe’. I know what triggers my anxiety and depression. I get breakdowns from time to time even today but not that bad that I’ve had before. I try to protect myself all the time.
Here are some things that help me with my mental health.
I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.
The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.
The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.
I usually see my psychologist every two weeks. Recently I’ve found talking about my problems with her doesn’t help. Cause of that we now see each other more seldom. We meet every four or five weeks. I am that kind of girl that holds everything inside which is wrong but that’s how it is. After seeing my psychologist I feel that my problems worsen and I get these dark thoughts that make me sadder. I know it’s essential that I see my psychologist sometimes because even though I don’t want to talk with anyone. I feel that I have to have a place to talk about things I can’t talk about with friends. They don’t know how hard I struggle. I don’t want them to know. I won’t burden anyone else but my psychologist about how bad I feel. I also need a place where I can cry.
I saw my psychologist a couple of days ago. She realized my depression had worsen. It has. I might not write about it in my blogg that often however I can’t because I need to try and forget my depression sometimes. I find that writing about every day things helps. Even when all I want to do is cry I try to write about things that make me feel better. My psychologist said that I can’t have my depression take over my life. She said that everything I said to her was the depression talking. I don’t think anything is funny and all I want to do is hide from everyone. It’s hard to do anything.
I have some things that help me with all the problems. Exercise and eating a cooked meal a day. The difference between workout days and non workout days is enormous. It’s crazy how much training helps me. I also eat a cooked meal a day. I don’t want to but I have to. Eating cakes and candy for dinner don’t help with anything. You have to feed yourself with nutritious food to have the strength to live with mental illness. This might help you.