Crying

I feel more depressed than I have in a while. I have felt more and more stressed. I’ve had lots to do. I know my depression gets hysterical when I don’t get to calm down. I have a rule I normally don’t overstep. I try to not have more to do than I remember without writing it down. A “bit” confusing explanation.

I mean I never plan more than I remember without using a planner. A more confusing explanation but you know what I mean. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted lots to do. When I’ve been stressed for a long while I get light headed. I get that feeling I want to cry. The medicines I have make me not able to cry but I feel the sadness. If I would try to explain my depression and stress I would compare it to the feeling you get before you cry.

I haven’t had to use a planner to remember what to do but I’ve had more to do than I want to. I’ve had to cancel many projects ahead cause I don’t want to crash into a full blown depression. Nothing beats feeling the best possible. Nothing. No one can do everything.

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Candy. The best stress release.

 

 

Surrender

I have been depressed for a long time. At first I didn’t know I was depressed. I knew but cause I had felt sad for a long time my sadness had become a normal state of mind. I cried everyday and I felt trapped. Everything I had enjoyed doing I didn’t do anymore. I never laughed.

I knew about depression but because my normal state of sadness was…….normal I didn’t think about it that way. Someone had to tell me I was ill. Realizing how ill I was I broke down. I cried my eyes out. I surrendered and felt how helpless I was.

The hardest aspect of surrender was that the doctor I had said I couldn’t work. I don’t know if reporting sick is the right phrase but she wrote a note and she said I should give it to my boss. I often think about everyone else but me. I could take the depression but not that it would involve my co workers. I remember that day. I went to a co worker and told her. She helped me with everything.

I struggled a long time with the feeling I had let people down because I couldn’t work. Don’t be afraid to get help when you suffer from any illness. Often it is easier to admit to yourself how you feel than to everyone else. Put yourself first.

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Away

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I don’t know how time can fly that fast. I thought I would have a little blog break but it lasted a long while.

I had to do nothing for a while. My depression was getting crazy. I knew it was bad when I all I wanted to do was cry. I’ve learned that if I’m not careful I can crash down the depression hole and it’s hard to get well. I’ve often ignored how I’ve felt and that made me unable to do anything cause I got sicker than ever. After having a depression this long I know I have to think about myself what I want. I think we all often think we have to be there for everyone but ourselves. With that out of the way I hope you’re doing wonderful.

 

Heartbroken

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You and me long ago. I know it was long ago but I sometimes feel the thorn you planted in my heart. The thorn that reminds me you were my first love. My first love that broke my heart. I know we weren`t meant to be but I have never forgotten about you.

Don`t think I haven`t moved on. I did long ago. It was half a lifetime ago we were together and I almost don`t think about you anymore. Only sometimes when I get reminded of you. I`ve been in love many times after I had you and I never thought about you then. I`ve found love and never compared them to you.

I think about you when I feel sad. Sadness and heartbreak are the same to me. The feeling that you never will feel joy again is the same with sadness and heartbreak. I never thought I would find anyone after you but I did. I did and I was in love.

I never cry because of you anymore. I did that a long time ago. I hid my tears from everyone but I cried all the time. I cried because my heart was in pieces. I never thought my tears would end.

You will never know this. I won`t let you even think you`re in my thoughts.