Pasta

I find that the one thing that affect my depression more than anything else is cooking. I don’t have an appetite and get stressed when it’s time to cook. All I want to do is cry when I go to the kitchen to make dinner. I get stressed when there’s too many steps to make a dish or that it takes too long make it. I try to do things that are fast and easy.

I know there are those that find cooking relaxing. I’m jealous of you. When you say cooking calms you down I want to be that way. I wish I could say that too. To me it’s just a pain. The hardest part is to figure out what to cook. I have lived on my own sometimes and I’m not proud to say my cooking routine has been a disgrace then. There have been times where I’ve eaten candy or cake for dinner. Disgusting I know. But If you’re not hungry and you’re depressed enough to just want to cry your eyes out cooking, eating healthy is not important.

All the cooking I do and post here is the easiest possible. I could make food that would impress you but that would be too hard for me. The funny thing about it is that I’m a good cook. I often get positive feedback when I cook. I don’t know how it’s possible. It must be that I love food (even though I’m not hungry) and cook what I enjoy to eat.

With all this in mind I’ve decided to grade all the food I upload in a “stress inducing” scale. I know it’s not just me that find cooking hard and this may help you to cook “stress free” things. Number 1 is the lowest stress inducing and 5 the highest. I will name it stress scale.

My first stress scale dinner is a number 1 boarding on number 2. It’s the easiest pasta dish you can make. Fill a saucepan with water. Put the pasta in the cold water. When the water begin to heat up the pasta also begin cooking. It saves a lot of time. When the pasta is ready you drain the water. Put the pasta back in the saucepan. Add butter, tinned crushed tomatoes, milk, cream and spices. Let it cook for a while. That’s it! It’s fast and tasty. Serve with vegetables or what I have on the plate fruit. It’s good to have some vitamins with dinner.

It tastes better than it looks.

Sad

I have felt more sad than ever. Since my dog, Kajsa, was put down I have had more anxiety and been very depressed. I can’t break this storm of emotions. Every day I feel what’s the mening of it all. My psychologist says I have to be kind to myself and not get caught up with grief. That’s sounds good but it’s all I think about. My anxiety is though the roof. I get panic attacks especially when I’m out in public. I’ve had panic attacks for a while but now I get them more often. My panic attacks begin slowly. I get this special feeling that grows into a hurricane. I don’t know how but I never show anyone these attacks. When I get them I try and get home fast. Or I find a place to sit and calm down. They don’t last long but they affect me deeply. After a panic attack I feel exhausted.

The depression takes over everything. I feel I’m about tlo cry whatever I do. Nothing makes me laugh or at least almost nothing makes me laugh. I was a happy person before. I suffered from depression long before Kajsa but after she was gone I find everything hard to do. A long time ago before I got this severe depression I laughed and was the “funny one”. I brought everyone to laughter. Now I’m funny but I don’t feel happy when I make someone laugh. I don’t know how to get better but I try and try and try and try. I’ve tried everything but nothing helps.

Every depressed out there – take care.

Breakdown

I often have these thoughts of what everyone’s breaking point is. The moment you go from being sad to full blown depressed. I have had two major breaking points. The first was in 2004 when me and some co-workers went to an “inspirational day”. We went to these events sometimes. The events were basically lectures and inspirational talks from people who knew what they were talking about. On this event a woman spoke about how you know you’re depressed. I had felt sad for a long time and this made me aware I suffered from depression. I struggle not to cry the rest of the day. When I came home I cried my eyes out. I also met with a doctor who immediately knew what was going on. All I did was cry.

I look happy however I cry lots.

My second breakdown was in 2020 when I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. I had felt I was dangerously near a breakdown for a long time. When this disgusting thing happened that Kajsa got too sick for me to keep her alive I broke down harder than anytime before. I felt I couldn’t live without her. I don’t know how but I found the strength to get help. I was hospitalized for a long time.

Anyone out there having these feelings GET HELP! I know it’s hard and all you want to do is hide and cry but you have to get help. When you feel you can’t go on, you need someone to make you go on. In a “mental institution” for example cook your food and clean. You don’t have to do more than staying alive which is hard enough. They stop you from harming yourself. I didn’t do much when I was hospitalized. I showered and wore clean clothes and that was all. I didn’t have an apetite but at least I ate something. I didn’t have to hoover or do any chores.

It’s hard to feel mentally exhausted. I know how you feel.

Addicted

I do not drink alcohol or smoke however I’m addicted to one thing. Exercise. That’s my addiction. I actually don’t think you can call something healthy an addiction but If you do it too much it is.

I have to force myself to not over exercise. I could do it for hours everyday but I struggle to do it at a healthy “rate”. I do it normally for an hour a day. Three or four days in a row and then I have an exercise free day. I workout to videos on Youtube. There are an endless amount of videos and it’s great to have lots to choose from. Exercise can never replace anxiety and depression medicins but it helps. If I didn’t workout I couldn’t stand all the pain I feel i side. My anxiety gets better for a little while when I’ve had exercised and that means everything to me. When your body is drained of all energi after a workout the anxiety gets lower. It’s not for long however everything counts when it comes to feeling better.

I much rather workout at home than in a gym. At a gym there are often too many people. All the workout equipments are occupied and it takes a long time to exercise cause you have to wait for dumbbells anmachines. I think exercising could help many with mental illness. I know how hard it can be to get going in the beginning to exercise but once you have tried you will feel how you get stronger both physically and mentally.

Yay I did it.

Stretching

Help

I have not written anything lately. You know how bad I’ve felt. Everyone has a limit when enough is enough. My limit was crossed a while ago. I cried all the time. I didn’t eat or do much. I felt I didn’t want to be around anymore. I felt like I was slowly dying. It sounds drastic however that how it was.

This went on for a while until I felt “I need help”. I rather die than burden anyone but I felt I’m too young to leave this life already. I took a taxi to an psychiatric emergency room. Because of all restrictions I had to wait outside for hours before I got to talk to some nurses. I was shivering because it was that cold. I thought many times to leave because of the cold. I tried to keep warm but I felt like I would die from the cold. After these long and cold hours I got to go inside and speak to what I think was nurses. They asked me questions and I cried through it all. They got how I felt and I got to go to a warm waiting room. I had to wait for hours to see a doctor but after the wait in the cold I didn’t care. The doctor said he could have me hospitalized to help with my pain. That’s what I wanted. It was in the middle of the night by now and I was “happy” to get a room.

I have to say that being hospitalized isn’t bad at all. When you don’t have the strength to cook or do anything you get all that done for you by someone else. I was in hospital for a long time. I will write more about it but I leave it for now. If you wondered where I’ve been now you know. I’m out of hospital talking my time to get better.

Flawless

I know we all have this idea that everyone around is perfect. Especially those we pass when we’re out and about. We know how most of our family and friends are doing however everyone else seems to have a perfect life. I know that I feel like an outkast sometimes because I am sad and everyone else seem happy. I struggle not to cry at the same time as everyone laughs and have a busy life.

No one has an idea of how I feel. Everyone see me as flawless. I never look sad. I wear make up. When I tell someone of my depression they don’t know what to do. They have this picture of what mental ill persons looks like which is not right. There are those you can see suffer from illnesses however the biggest part of us looks like we feel well. I have a friend who’s more than beautiful. She’s depressed.

Affected

I’m trapped in an intense storm of emotions. Me and my therapist are dealing with what I went through as a kid. I’ve hidden it all my life. I never talked about it when it happened and I haven’t talked about it since. Me and my mom talk about it however almost never.

For many years when I was little, my mom had a boyfriend that was mentally abusing us and he was an alcoholic. No abuse is acceptable and not this as well. For those years the boyfriend was with my mom he was nothing more than a destructive plague that ruined everything. I don’t want to write much about it because I’m not where I feel good doing it. I can tell you I’m affected from it until this day.

This man is the reason to every mental illness I have. My anxiety depression OCD and social fobia is his fault. I’ve tried to get help however everyone has wanted to taget the symptoms and not the cause of them which is that man.

I’ve read your abuse stories. That made me decide breaking the silence. I’ll leave it for now.

Ideas

I have learned to never judge someone before I know their story. I think about it especially when it comes to mental illnesses. There are average ideas about what a mental ill person looks and acts like however that is wrong. I think you could never know that about 99 % of all with mental illnesses are sick. There are some you can tell they are ill but most of us behave like every healthy person does.

I don’t drink alcohol or smoke. I take care of myself. You wouldn’t think I had any mental illness in case we would meet at a party or something. I think I’m rather intelligent. We would talk about everything. It wouldn’t come up until you asked me how I feel. I never begin to or talk about my sickness in any situation until I get asked about it. I think that is unfair to the surroundings. Mental illness even these days has some stigma about it. Many of those you talk to about it don’t know what to say when you tell them.

Could you tell I’m ill from this picture?

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More often than not, everyone I ‘ve encountered with mental illness has acted like every sane person would. You could think we would cry all the time but we’re not. We don’ t look crazy. We are like you.

 

Release

I have felt very bad. That is why I have not written anything. Some days I have felt that I don’t want to keep on struggling with my illnesses. I should be used to feeling mentally done but I don’t think you ever do that. The feeling I have is that I have to release all the negativity. I want to feel something good. It’s not something you do fast. It takes a while but I am doing everything to get there.

I want to cry however I can’t. The medicine I take doesn’t take away the sadness but I can’t cry. Nothing helps as good as crying but when you can’t you keep it inside. It feels as though I will break down because I can’t get some crying action. I could not take anything to help with the sadness but everyone who has a mental illness and doesn’t take anything knows how bad that is.

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There is one positive side to this I don’t eat all that candy I used to devour.

 

Merry wishes

I wish and want everyone to have a merry christmas.

I have a non eventful christmas. With time I have found that I celebrate christmas with my mental health in mind. I spend it with those I love and not those I don’t want to have around.

Merry christmas.

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