I haven’t written anything here for a while. When I do write something it’s meaningless posts. I’m not stopping to write but for a while I have decided to only use Instagram. I would be excited if you would join me there! My account is cecilia.helin.39. Take care!
I’m not a medial professional what so ever. But I’ll try to explain the difference between depression and being “just” sad. I wrote just with this “” because being sad can be unbearable and hard to feel. Being sad is when you are sad in direct “link” to something that happens to you and you feel it for a short while. When a relationship ends for example is what can cause you to feel sad. I know how heart breaking a break up can be. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up a long time ago. It took me almost a year to feel some kind of happiness. I could work and study but I felt that something (the love of my life) was missing. Everyone noticed how sad I was and it was very hard. All I did was think about him. It took like I said about a year to get over him but it got easier everyday and then I began living my life to the fullest. I cried when we just had split up but then I stopped doing that. Slowly I found myself feeling happy again. I do want to write that for many a break up can be the reason for a deep depression. Don’t get me wrong I know it can be impossible to get over someone. I used this as an example of “just” being sad because that was what is was for me.
A depression is a whole different story. For me my depression just didn’t appear one day. It took years of being deeply sad and being reminded of my horrible childhood everyday that lead me to depression. My childhood is the main reason I suffer from depression and every illness I have. What really pushed me over the edge was when I got in a relationship with a man that reminded me in any way of the man that ruined my childhood. It took a while but then I slowly began breaking down. I began losing myself. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I didn’t care about anything. I’ve been clinically depressed since 2004. I don’t feel less depressed all these years later. I never get used to the feeling I live with everyday. Depression is a feeling of total loss of everything that used to be you. I think I will be depressed for the rest of my life. It began with depression that has lead to anxiety among many different illnesses I suffer from. I don’t feel sorry about my depression and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. To everyone who’s depressed. I know how you feel!
I shouldn’t do it but I looked at photos of my dog I had to have put down last year. When will the pain of losing her ever go away? I miss her more and more. A big part of me broke when she went to heaven. I can’t to this day believe she’s gone. I miss everything about her. She was crazy I know but I loved it.
Many say I should get a new dog but I can’t. I’ll never go through losing another dog. I miss my dog too much and no one can take her place. I know a new dog would ease the pain but I can’t!
Love you forever and ever my only true love.
I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.
I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.
I miss her everyday. My love.
I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.
On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.
A thing that I posted on Instagram.
If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.
I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.
See you there or sometimes here.
I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.
The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.
The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.
I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.
Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.
The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.
I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.
You and me long ago. I know it was long ago but I sometimes feel the thorn you planted in my heart. The thorn that reminds me you were my first love. My first love that broke my heart. I know we weren`t meant to be but I have never forgotten about you.
Don`t think I haven`t moved on. I did long ago. It was half a lifetime ago we were together and I almost don`t think about you anymore. Only sometimes when I get reminded of you. I`ve been in love many times after I had you and I never thought about you then. I`ve found love and never compared them to you.
I think about you when I feel sad. Sadness and heartbreak are the same to me. The feeling that you never will feel joy again is the same with sadness and heartbreak. I never thought I would find anyone after you but I did. I did and I was in love.
I never cry because of you anymore. I did that a long time ago. I hid my tears from everyone but I cried all the time. I cried because my heart was in pieces. I never thought my tears would end.
You will never know this. I won`t let you even think you`re in my thoughts.