Here sometime

I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Heartbroken

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You and me long ago. I know it was long ago but I sometimes feel the thorn you planted in my heart. The thorn that reminds me you were my first love. My first love that broke my heart. I know we weren`t meant to be but I have never forgotten about you.

Don`t think I haven`t moved on. I did long ago. It was half a lifetime ago we were together and I almost don`t think about you anymore. Only sometimes when I get reminded of you. I`ve been in love many times after I had you and I never thought about you then. I`ve found love and never compared them to you.

I think about you when I feel sad. Sadness and heartbreak are the same to me. The feeling that you never will feel joy again is the same with sadness and heartbreak. I never thought I would find anyone after you but I did. I did and I was in love.

I never cry because of you anymore. I did that a long time ago. I hid my tears from everyone but I cried all the time. I cried because my heart was in pieces. I never thought my tears would end.

You will never know this. I won`t let you even think you`re in my thoughts.