Slimming

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I am addicted to exercise. I’m addicted to train everything but my abs. I think I have never felt stronger than now but my abs……….They’re a disgrace. I have felt my belly getting bigger but I thought it was muscles. I have never prioritize the abs. I have thought they got enough exercise while I was training the rest of my body. When I gain weight it’s only my belly that gets bigger. I’ve had a slim belly for a long time now but now it’s getting crazy. I eat a lot but I have never had a problem with that before. Every part except my belly can take lots of food and not show any signs of putting on weight.

Happy to have done my workout thinking all of me got trained.

I must do abs exercises with every workout from now on. I find I’m feeling better when I weigh a little more than I should but I don’t want a belly that’s too big. I could eat less but my body craves lots of food especially when I’m exercising this hard (except my belly then). I took pictures today and I’ll give you a warning they’re not pretty. My belly is big and it’s hanging both in the front and on the sides. I took the pictures to compare them with my belly when I’ve done ab exercises.

“When is the baby coming?” you probably wonder.
I want to feel this happy with every part of my body.

I’ve had troubles with putting my socks on and that shows how much my belly is in the way. I can’t help but wonder how my belly can get fat when the rest of my body gets muscles. I thought I was slim but I’m not. I feel bad showing you my belly but I want you to know how it looks now and when I’ve done some training. I’m ashamed.

Pasta

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I find that the one thing that affect my depression more than anything else is cooking. I don’t have an appetite and get stressed when it’s time to cook. All I want to do is cry when I go to the kitchen to make dinner. I get stressed when there’s too many steps to make a dish or that it takes too long make it. I try to do things that are fast and easy.

I know there are those that find cooking relaxing. I’m jealous of you. When you say cooking calms you down I want to be that way. I wish I could say that too. To me it’s just a pain. The hardest part is to figure out what to cook. I have lived on my own sometimes and I’m not proud to say my cooking routine has been a disgrace then. There have been times where I’ve eaten candy or cake for dinner. Disgusting I know. But If you’re not hungry and you’re depressed enough to just want to cry your eyes out cooking, eating healthy is not important.

All the cooking I do and post here is the easiest possible. I could make food that would impress you but that would be too hard for me. The funny thing about it is that I’m a good cook. I often get positive feedback when I cook. I don’t know how it’s possible. It must be that I love food (even though I’m not hungry) and cook what I enjoy to eat.

With all this in mind I’ve decided to grade all the food I upload in a “stress inducing” scale. I know it’s not just me that find cooking hard and this may help you to cook “stress free” things. Number 1 is the lowest stress inducing and 5 the highest. I will name it stress scale.

My first stress scale dinner is a number 1 boarding on number 2. It’s the easiest pasta dish you can make. Fill a saucepan with water. Put the pasta in the cold water. When the water begin to heat up the pasta also begin cooking. It saves a lot of time. When the pasta is ready you drain the water. Put the pasta back in the saucepan. Add butter, tinned crushed tomatoes, milk, cream and spices. Let it cook for a while. That’s it! It’s fast and tasty. Serve with vegetables or what I have on the plate fruit. It’s good to have some vitamins with dinner.

It tastes better than it looks.

Sad

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I have felt more sad than ever. Since my dog, Kajsa, was put down I have had more anxiety and been very depressed. I can’t break this storm of emotions. Every day I feel what’s the mening of it all. My psychologist says I have to be kind to myself and not get caught up with grief. That’s sounds good but it’s all I think about. My anxiety is though the roof. I get panic attacks especially when I’m out in public. I’ve had panic attacks for a while but now I get them more often. My panic attacks begin slowly. I get this special feeling that grows into a hurricane. I don’t know how but I never show anyone these attacks. When I get them I try and get home fast. Or I find a place to sit and calm down. They don’t last long but they affect me deeply. After a panic attack I feel exhausted.

The depression takes over everything. I feel I’m about tlo cry whatever I do. Nothing makes me laugh or at least almost nothing makes me laugh. I was a happy person before. I suffered from depression long before Kajsa but after she was gone I find everything hard to do. A long time ago before I got this severe depression I laughed and was the “funny one”. I brought everyone to laughter. Now I’m funny but I don’t feel happy when I make someone laugh. I don’t know how to get better but I try and try and try and try. I’ve tried everything but nothing helps.

Every depressed out there – take care.

Hysterical

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A whole table with kiwi’s.

I don’t get why you think I have too many kiwi fruits at home! There’s just 24 of them!

I know it seems crazy to have 24 kiwis at home. Especially when I am the only one eating them. It’s hysterical when you think about it. I have a good reason for “collecting” them. They often cost a fortune and I don’t buy them cause of that. Now they have been very cheap for a while. I get a bit crazy when you get 10 kiwi fruits for 3 euros. I buy them every time I’m in the grocery store now. I think “it doesn’t hurt to buy 10 more”.

Sometimes I have too many and I can’t fit them in the fridge. But even so the next time I visit the grocery store I buy 10 more. Kiwis are a favorite of mine and now I can eat them all the time. They are filled with vitamins and I need something healthy especially when I am eating dinner. I don’t think raw vegetables are tasty. I eat fruit instead. I remove the peel and enjoy them. I have to find recipes that has kiwis in them so I can eat them all before they get dry and old. I eat them raw but I think I would like them in cakes or something.

Breakdown

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I often have these thoughts of what everyone’s breaking point is. The moment you go from being sad to full blown depressed. I have had two major breaking points. The first was in 2004 when me and some co-workers went to an “inspirational day”. We went to these events sometimes. The events were basically lectures and inspirational talks from people who knew what they were talking about. On this event a woman spoke about how you know you’re depressed. I had felt sad for a long time and this made me aware I suffered from depression. I struggle not to cry the rest of the day. When I came home I cried my eyes out. I also met with a doctor who immediately knew what was going on. All I did was cry.

I look happy however I cry lots.

My second breakdown was in 2020 when I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. I had felt I was dangerously near a breakdown for a long time. When this disgusting thing happened that Kajsa got too sick for me to keep her alive I broke down harder than anytime before. I felt I couldn’t live without her. I don’t know how but I found the strength to get help. I was hospitalized for a long time.

Anyone out there having these feelings GET HELP! I know it’s hard and all you want to do is hide and cry but you have to get help. When you feel you can’t go on, you need someone to make you go on. In a “mental institution” for example cook your food and clean. You don’t have to do more than staying alive which is hard enough. They stop you from harming yourself. I didn’t do much when I was hospitalized. I showered and wore clean clothes and that was all. I didn’t have an apetite but at least I ate something. I didn’t have to hoover or do any chores.

It’s hard to feel mentally exhausted. I know how you feel.

Ribs

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I have somehow began to feel bad when I eat meat. I think about the poor animals cause in Sweden they have revealed how disgusting some farmers and slaughter houses are treating them. If the animals had a wonderful life and was slaughtered with “respect” I wouldn’t feel this way. My sympathy towards animals has always been very big and I love them. Especially since I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down I cry when animals are treated bad. It makes me miss Kajsa more than I ever thought I would.I don’t even think meat is that tasty but I eat it sometimes.

Some times you don’t want to cook. I never want to cook but when I can’t stand cooking I buy ready made things. Today was a “can’t stand cooking” day. I had ribs you buy barbequed. I served them with kiwi fruits, mimosa sallad (tinned fruit cocktail mixed with mayonaise) and potato salad. Ribs are meat I think is tasty cause the spices make it doesn’t taste that “meaty”.

Addicted

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I do not drink alcohol or smoke however I’m addicted to one thing. Exercise. That’s my addiction. I actually don’t think you can call something healthy an addiction but If you do it too much it is.

I have to force myself to not over exercise. I could do it for hours everyday but I struggle to do it at a healthy “rate”. I do it normally for an hour a day. Three or four days in a row and then I have an exercise free day. I workout to videos on Youtube. There are an endless amount of videos and it’s great to have lots to choose from. Exercise can never replace anxiety and depression medicins but it helps. If I didn’t workout I couldn’t stand all the pain I feel i side. My anxiety gets better for a little while when I’ve had exercised and that means everything to me. When your body is drained of all energi after a workout the anxiety gets lower. It’s not for long however everything counts when it comes to feeling better.

I much rather workout at home than in a gym. At a gym there are often too many people. All the workout equipments are occupied and it takes a long time to exercise cause you have to wait for dumbbells anmachines. I think exercising could help many with mental illness. I know how hard it can be to get going in the beginning to exercise but once you have tried you will feel how you get stronger both physically and mentally.

Yay I did it.

Stretching

Eggs

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I make sure I have eggs at home. You can make lots of dishes with eggs. Not only lots of dishes but also it’s great for those times you don’t feel like cooking something complicated. Or when you don’t feel like cooking at all you can still make a tasty meal in minutes.

Today I had a “I don’t want to cook” day. Because of that I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes. Tomatoes give scrambled eggs more tasty. I begin to fry the tomatoes. After a while I add the eggs. It took a couple of minutes. I don’t like raw vegetables and served the scrambled eggs with kiwi fruit and apple. I like to eat eggs with “crisp bread” and I served that with the eggs.





It tastes a lot better than it looks.

Important

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I feel that we in the “first world” have problem we consider important.

*You’re in the grocery store. After a while in the queue the shopper in front of you put their things on the conveyor belt. When it’s your turn the cashier asks the person in front of you to put up a sign that the cashier is leaving and you have to go to the cashier beside it and of course queue a long time in that queue.

*In the grocery store you choose the cashier where there’s a shorter queue than to the other cashiers. Of course it turns out it was the wrong choice. In you’re queue there are old people paying not with cards but with money. They don’t pay with banknotes they pay with coins which takes forever.

    *You buy frozen pizza. It turns out it takes longer to cook it than it says on the box. This makes you angry and you stare at the oven because you think that will make the pizza ready sooner. You have a long discussion with your partner about the time it said it would take to cook it. The world is collapsing but this pizza makes you more angry than that.

    *You are buying soap but it turns out all the soaps have every color than the one you color you want. “I can’t have a pink soap in the bathroom. It doesn’t go well with the color of the towels”.

    *There is one sausage missing in the sausage”pack”. Dinner is ruined.

    Candy

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    I know I have to stop to eat candy. Or I don’t eat when it comes to candy I gorge. I didn’t know there was an english word for it. Gorge is what I do. If I’m hungry or feel whatever feeling out there I eat candy. Some can take one piece and they’re happy with that. I often eat ’til I feel sick. I don’ t have an eating problem and I don’t feel bad when I have had a bag of candy but I know it’s not good to stuff your self with sugar.

    I often go for the most sugar filled candy. The candy that consist of 99 % sugar and 1 % of things I don’t want to know what they are. Most buy one bag of candy and eat everything before they get another bag. I buy bag after bag of candy to not run out of it. Every bag weighs around 1 kilo. I go though lots of bags. I don’t want to think about how much sugar that is. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly stopped eating candy. I would probably loose all energy.

    Sugar

    The pick and mix department in the grocery store is my favorite place in the store. I could stay there a long time to “compose” the perfect bag of candy. The more sugar the candy seem to have in it it’s what I put in the bag. I often think I’ve put more than enough in the bag but I don’t care.

    Filled bags