I feel like my depression has reached a new level of sadness. For a long time now I’ve felt how everything in me are “dying”. Not dying but I feel more sad everyday. I think it’s a combination of many things. Most of all it’s because I’ve taken on a lot. I hate to disappoint people. I often forget to think about what’s best for me and do what everyone around me wants me to do. I feel empty and sad inside. I had to take less of an anti depressant because it made me gain a lot of weight. I have gained 15 kilos. I never gain weight on my own. It’s always because of medicines. The anti depressant wasn’t that effective anyway. But the smaller amount affects me even so.

I feel uncomfortable. That’s the best way to describe how I feel. Like I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. And the sadness is numbing me. I don’t care about anything. I should be used to these feelings but I’m not. All you suffering from depression. How do you get through hard times. I would do anything to feel less sick.

Having fun

I don’t feel that talking to a psychologist about my mental illnesses helps. I feel that talking about how I feel and why I feel like I do makes me feel worse. It’s a relief that there is that help out there for those who need it but to me it makes me more sad. And I don’t like talking about myself. I never have.

I remember when I was very depressed I found that seeing a psychologist was a waist of time to me. I always want to please everyone. When I visit someone to talk about my problems with I feel it’s important to make them feel they’re doing a good job. I say things like “I’ve never thought about it that way. You made me see things from another perspective.” I think “I already knew that can I please leave now?”

My psychologist I have now told me that not everyone feel that talking about somethings help. She was very smart that she noticed that about me. She said that we’ll stop seeing each other until I feel like I want to. To me it was hard going to our meetings cause that made me go through all the hard things we talked about again. Instead of thinking about my childhood and everything I’ve been through I try to find things that make me laugh.

The thing that makes me laugh can be lots of things. I love funny photos. Here are some of them.

“I’ll never think about a circus the same way again.”
“Always think about the animals first.”

Both are from my Instgram cecilia.helin.39

That’s my sense of humor.

It looks very much like I don’t have eyes here!