Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Relax

I know many depressed don’t wanna do anything. I’m that way. I’ve had days where I haven’t done anything. When I was diagnosed with depression I didn’t go out. I couldn’t take care of myself. I don’t know how I got through it but I did. My mom helped me and without her I think I wouldn’t be here now.

Kajsa is a crazy dog. That craziness gets me through the deepest depression. Everyone has to have a reason to carry on. I never thought a crazy parson jack russell could make me calm. I sometimes want a uncrazy dog but not often.

I know she isn’t but I find that Kajsa is my service dog. She wouldn’t be classified as a service dog however to me she is. She makes me safer. I often get anxiety in public and Kajsa calms me. I wouldn’t do anything more than work if it wasn’t for her.

Today Kajsa and me went to a park. She loves everything about that park. I would never visit it without her. I get worried. Kajsa makes me wanna be there.

I know not everyone want animals however they can make everything smoother. They want you the way you are.

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Safety

I love all animals. I feel safe with animals. They want you for you and don’t have hidden motives. They trust you and they do everything to make you feel good. I don’t know what I would do without Kajsa. I used to have no strength and cried all day. Now I have Kajsa. I have to think of her and put her first. I think whatever animal you have they’re the best cure for any illness. I would have a deeper depression if I didn’t have Kajsa.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago. I couldn’t work or do anything then. I survived cause I was dogsitting a dog when her family wanted me to. I loved that dog. She felt like my dog because I had her often. She was there and didn’t mind if I was sad. Kajsa is wilder than the “rescue” dog however I love her.

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Think

-Mom I am in my thinking place. Under the drawer.

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-Kajsa tell me your thoughts.

-Mom the dinner you made. I can help you with the left overs. Put them in my mouth and they’re gone. Those are my thoughts. I am clever.

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Care

-I have infected eyes.

-You have.

We had to take a trip to the vet this week. Kajsa got an infection in one eye. It was itching and she couldn’t keep the eye open. It was filled with fluid. I had to get her help.

The vet said the eyes are sensitive and it’s better to have them checked even if you don’t know if it’s serious.

Now she has an infection in both eyes. It must have spread when Kajsa was scratching the eye that was first infected. I told her no when she scratched but I couldn’t watch her all the time. Kajsa got eye drops and the eyes heal fast.

When your pet gets white stuff in it’s eyes get it to the vet. That’s the first sign of an infection.

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Well

I’ve had to take time off. Kajsa had surgery a while ago. Not surgery but teeth cleaning at the vet. They sedate animals when they do that. There’s a risk with sedating that the animal won’t wake up from it. I know that almost never happen but you never know.

Last surgery Kajsa had I almost lost her. That was when she was neutered. I know that was more surgery involved than teeth cleaning but I thought it would be like that this time too.

I brush Kajsas teeth. When I’m depressed I don’t do it cause I’m too sad. It was those non brushing times that made her teeth brown. The vet said it wasn’t bad but I wanted to clean them before they became a problem.

I took her to the vet early. They said I could get her later that day. I couldn’t relax and thought they would call and tell me Kajsa didn’t make it. They called and I thought that was it. I was excited when they instead wanted me to get her earlier.

They said Kajsa was barking and getting crazy. She can’t be alone and I think she didn’t want to be by herself when the vet staff had to leave her.

I got to the vet and I thought Kajsa would be crazy but she was quiet. She was with the vet staff in the “office room”. She was calm cause she wasn’t alone.

She has clean white teeth now!

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Dog blog

This is Kajsa. I am the dog mom writes about sometimes. My mom is feeling depressed now and she can`t do anything. I said I could write instead of her for once. Honestly I didn`t say that I secretly decided to do that. My mom says I bark a lot and I thought I would bark some in this blog.

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I`m five years old. I`m almost older than my mom when I count my age in human years. My mom hopes every birthday will make me calmer but it doesn`t. I`m a crazy dog and we keep our crazy the whole life. We bark and run around. Terriers are crazy.

 

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I can be calm sometimes.

 

I have begun to run away, I said I was crazy. When my mom leaves the front door open without looking I run. I run down to the apartment building`s frontdoor and if that`s open too, freedom! Usually it`s not open and that makes me feel freedom is near but far away! You know what I mean. I can smell the air outside but a door is in my way. My mom says I will give her a heartattack some day.

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I love footballs. I could chase footballs, or soccer balls, all day. I don`t care about anything when I play with one. I can play with balls both big and small. I don`t get to play with little balls anymore because my mom says I won`t let go of them. I don`t care big balls makes me happy anyway.

This dog has things to do now. I have to leave you with these thoughts. Life is better when you`re crazy.

 

Thoughts

Kajsa and me have these thoughts today.

This is the biggest Cornflakes we’ve seen. It’s bigger than Kajsa. I could put her in it and there would still be space for many things. I tried to put a dinner plate beside it to show how big it is but it didn’t help. It’s 1 kilo and massive! “Family pack”. It will last long. I like cornflakes and this was the only one they had but it’s big!

-Honey we need more cornflakes.

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Kajsa couldn’t care less. Beautiful and careless.

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Vanderpump rules. What’s wrong with them. They drink and fight. Jax has had a boob reduction!

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Candy!

Deep thoughts!

 

Vacations

Voff and hi from Kajsa and me. We`ve had a long vacation. We haven`t done many things but we`ve relaxed. This summer was the coldest for a while but that`s a good summer to me. I sweat easy and when it`s warm outside it`s a sweat fest. Not a fest exactly but you know what I mean.

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We were thinking about doing some travelling this summer but we didn`t. I think the best vacation is to do nothing. Boring to some but I love it. The one thing I would love to do is to rent a boat with my mom. Not because I love boats but the thought of me and my mom on a boat is crazy. My mom would fall overboard all the time and neither one of us know how to ride a boat. We would have to sleep in the same room, or what it`s called, and Kajsa would get hysterical in the tiny space between us in the bed. When I was younger we had a boat but that was different then. Now when we`re both old and haven`t even seen a boat for years it would get out of control.

Take care for now.