Heart broken

I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.

I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.

I miss her everyday. My love.

Laughing

I have an idea what to give your kids when it’s their birthday! How about this book about a red dog named Clifford. He’s teaching your kid about what’s important. Or…………… I don’t know when I have read the fine print (I don’t know if that’s the right word). Never mind buy it and your kids will grow up reeeeeeeally fast!

Love lost

I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.

I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.

I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.

Feeling lost

I feel so sad. I miss my dog Kajsa so so much. For you that don’t know. I had to put her down. She was very sick and it would have been inhumane to keep her alive only because I wanted her in my life. But even so I can’t stand the pain of not having her around. She was my life and when she died a part of me died too. A very big part. I feel lost. Kajsa was my whole life and when I lost her I felt alone and without purpose. I feel alone and without purpose even to this day.

The most common advice I get from others when I tell them all that is to get another dog. I know they mean well however I could never get another dog. Kajsa was THE DOG. I could never replace her. I could have another dog but then I only would wait for it to get sick and I have to take the disgusting decision to have it put down again. I can’t do that again.

The tears never stops.

The biggest reason why I miss Kajsa so much and can’t let her go is that she didn’t lived as long as she should have. Had she not been sick we would have gotten many more years together. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have a long life together. I can’t look at pictures of her for long because then I feel that I can’t keep on living. I miss her cute face and all that was Kajsa. We had a separat cremation of her. We have her ashes in a wonderful urn however I want her alive. I’ve never cried this much than I do now.

Pain

I think it’s right to tell you why I was hospitalized. I had to put Kajsa, my dog, down. She was severely ill and there was nothing else to do. She was sick for a long time. At the end she was in and out of veterinary clinics where she spend days getting emergency care. She had problems with her intestines. Chronic inflammation. They did tests on her and found she had inflammation in her bowls. We tried medicins but they didn’t make it better if anything it got worse. She puked or had diarrea.

Kajsa was sick the main part of her life however the older she got her illness got worse. The last year she was seriously ill but I couldn’t even think the thought she had to be put down. I couldn’t think of myself without her. Some months ago I had to let her go. To keep her alive cause I didn’t want to loose her would have been abuse considering the state she was in. I cried for days before I went to the vet. It was unbearable the whole thing. The day we went to the vet I felt the worst pain I have ever felt. Everything in me screamed ‘don’ t do it’ but I had to. She fell a sleep on my knee. The vet gave her an overdose of what it is they give them. She was gone. I screamed and cried and didn’t want to leave her. That evening I cried the whole time. I didn’t want to live. Not without Kajsa. She was my reason for living.

The next day I was emotionally exhausted. My tears fell constantly. Nothing could make me happy. I felt I needed help other wise I would have ended it all. I went to the psychiatric emergency room and got help.

I love you Kajsa. I will never forget you.

Relax

I know many depressed don’t wanna do anything. I’m that way. I’ve had days where I haven’t done anything. When I was diagnosed with depression I didn’t go out. I couldn’t take care of myself. I don’t know how I got through it but I did. My mom helped me and without her I think I wouldn’t be here now.

Kajsa is a crazy dog. That craziness gets me through the deepest depression. Everyone has to have a reason to carry on. I never thought a crazy parson jack russell could make me calm. I sometimes want a uncrazy dog but not often.

I know she isn’t but I find that Kajsa is my service dog. She wouldn’t be classified as a service dog however to me she is. She makes me safer. I often get anxiety in public and Kajsa calms me. I wouldn’t do anything more than work if it wasn’t for her.

Today Kajsa and me went to a park. She loves everything about that park. I would never visit it without her. I get worried. Kajsa makes me wanna be there.

I know not everyone want animals however they can make everything smoother. They want you the way you are.

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Safety

I love all animals. I feel safe with animals. They want you for you and don’t have hidden motives. They trust you and they do everything to make you feel good. I don’t know what I would do without Kajsa. I used to have no strength and cried all day. Now I have Kajsa. I have to think of her and put her first. I think whatever animal you have they’re the best cure for any illness. I would have a deeper depression if I didn’t have Kajsa.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago. I couldn’t work or do anything then. I survived cause I was dogsitting a dog when her family wanted me to. I loved that dog. She felt like my dog because I had her often. She was there and didn’t mind if I was sad. Kajsa is wilder than the “rescue” dog however I love her.

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Think

-Mom I am in my thinking place. Under the drawer.

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-Kajsa tell me your thoughts.

-Mom the dinner you made. I can help you with the left overs. Put them in my mouth and they’re gone. Those are my thoughts. I am clever.

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Care

-I have infected eyes.

-You have.

We had to take a trip to the vet this week. Kajsa got an infection in one eye. It was itching and she couldn’t keep the eye open. It was filled with fluid. I had to get her help.

The vet said the eyes are sensitive and it’s better to have them checked even if you don’t know if it’s serious.

Now she has an infection in both eyes. It must have spread when Kajsa was scratching the eye that was first infected. I told her no when she scratched but I couldn’t watch her all the time. Kajsa got eye drops and the eyes heal fast.

When your pet gets white stuff in it’s eyes get it to the vet. That’s the first sign of an infection.

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Well

I’ve had to take time off. Kajsa had surgery a while ago. Not surgery but teeth cleaning at the vet. They sedate animals when they do that. There’s a risk with sedating that the animal won’t wake up from it. I know that almost never happen but you never know.

Last surgery Kajsa had I almost lost her. That was when she was neutered. I know that was more surgery involved than teeth cleaning but I thought it would be like that this time too.

I brush Kajsas teeth. When I’m depressed I don’t do it cause I’m too sad. It was those non brushing times that made her teeth brown. The vet said it wasn’t bad but I wanted to clean them before they became a problem.

I took her to the vet early. They said I could get her later that day. I couldn’t relax and thought they would call and tell me Kajsa didn’t make it. They called and I thought that was it. I was excited when they instead wanted me to get her earlier.

They said Kajsa was barking and getting crazy. She can’t be alone and I think she didn’t want to be by herself when the vet staff had to leave her.

I got to the vet and I thought Kajsa would be crazy but she was quiet. She was with the vet staff in the “office room”. She was calm cause she wasn’t alone.

She has clean white teeth now!

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