Here sometime

I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Help

I have not written anything lately. You know how bad I’ve felt. Everyone has a limit when enough is enough. My limit was crossed a while ago. I cried all the time. I didn’t eat or do much. I felt I didn’t want to be around anymore. I felt like I was slowly dying. It sounds drastic however that how it was.

This went on for a while until I felt “I need help”. I rather die than burden anyone but I felt I’m too young to leave this life already. I took a taxi to an psychiatric emergency room. Because of all restrictions I had to wait outside for hours before I got to talk to some nurses. I was shivering because it was that cold. I thought many times to leave because of the cold. I tried to keep warm but I felt like I would die from the cold. After these long and cold hours I got to go inside and speak to what I think was nurses. They asked me questions and I cried through it all. They got how I felt and I got to go to a warm waiting room. I had to wait for hours to see a doctor but after the wait in the cold I didn’t care. The doctor said he could have me hospitalized to help with my pain. That’s what I wanted. It was in the middle of the night by now and I was “happy” to get a room.

I have to say that being hospitalized isn’t bad at all. When you don’t have the strength to cook or do anything you get all that done for you by someone else. I was in hospital for a long time. I will write more about it but I leave it for now. If you wondered where I’ve been now you know. I’m out of hospital talking my time to get better.

Affected

I’m trapped in an intense storm of emotions. Me and my therapist are dealing with what I went through as a kid. I’ve hidden it all my life. I never talked about it when it happened and I haven’t talked about it since. Me and my mom talk about it however almost never.

For many years when I was little, my mom had a boyfriend that was mentally abusing us and he was an alcoholic. No abuse is acceptable and not this as well. For those years the boyfriend was with my mom he was nothing more than a destructive plague that ruined everything. I don’t want to write much about it because I’m not where I feel good doing it. I can tell you I’m affected from it until this day.

This man is the reason to every mental illness I have. My anxiety depression OCD and social fobia is his fault. I’ve tried to get help however everyone has wanted to taget the symptoms and not the cause of them which is that man.

I’ve read your abuse stories. That made me decide breaking the silence. I’ll leave it for now.

Release

I have felt very bad. That is why I have not written anything. Some days I have felt that I don’t want to keep on struggling with my illnesses. I should be used to feeling mentally done but I don’t think you ever do that. The feeling I have is that I have to release all the negativity. I want to feel something good. It’s not something you do fast. It takes a while but I am doing everything to get there.

I want to cry however I can’t. The medicine I take doesn’t take away the sadness but I can’t cry. Nothing helps as good as crying but when you can’t you keep it inside. It feels as though I will break down because I can’t get some crying action. I could not take anything to help with the sadness but everyone who has a mental illness and doesn’t take anything knows how bad that is.

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There is one positive side to this I don’t eat all that candy I used to devour.

 

Approach

I have lots to tell you. Not lots however explain where I’ve been. I have never told you why I suffer from anxiety and all that. It’s because of how my life was as a kid. My mom had a man who was an alcoholic. They lived together for most of my younger years. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because when I do my anxiety and everything I suffer from gets bad. That’s why I haven’t been able to write anything.

For some years I’ve been going to a center that treats mental illnesses. From the beginning I’ve wanted to come to terms with what I experienced when I was young but nothing has come from it. For example I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. We have these meaningless conversations about everyday things. I’ve mentioned the alcoholic man and I’ve said I wanted to treat everything that came from that. Everytime I talked about it I’ve gotten more depressed and everytime the therapist didn’t do anything. Everytime I’ve also said it affected me too much to not do anything about it.

Now the therapist has said we can’t keep meeting because it leads no where. That’s because we have avoided the reason I feel bad. To talk about nothing instead of why I have all these feelings is why our talks leads no where.

We haven’t more than talked a little about the alcoholic man but it has made me more depressed than ever. That’s why I haven’t written anything. Now I think my therapist have gotten that I can never feel better without approaching the hard times. We’ll see.

Getting better

I want to get well. I don’t want my anxiety and depression. I don’t want to feel like I do all the time. All this time I’ve been trying to get better and I get nothing for it. When you take care of yourself and you don’t do drugs to sedate yourself you don’t get the help you should get. Not me anyway.

I don’t know how it is in your country, in Sweden it’s hard to get a doctor. There are no doctors. To get a doctor specialized in the mental area are impossible. I’ve had specialized doctors however for a while I’ve had “normal” ones that doesn’t know much when it comes to mental health. Because of the shortage of specialized doctors the clinic I belong to has had to employ the doctors that are available. They don’t get anything.

I take care of myself and it’s like the doctors don’t get that you can feel ill because of that. I shower and keep myself presentable. I don’t know why I shouldn’t feel depressed because of that.

 

Happy

I’ve had a bad depression for a while now. It has made me unable to do anything. Sometimes it helps to talk about it here but not lately. I had to take time off everything and break down. I have felt sick because I was that sad. I have felt that I don’t want to carry on. Now I have to do what I can to get better.

I have to find my happiness somehow. I know I can’t keep on feeling sad. Sad isn’t right rather devastated. I can’t have my depression decide anything anymore.

I’m strong.

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Surrender

I have been depressed for a long time. At first I didn’t know I was depressed. I knew but cause I had felt sad for a long time my sadness had become a normal state of mind. I cried everyday and I felt trapped. Everything I had enjoyed doing I didn’t do anymore. I never laughed.

I knew about depression but because my normal state of sadness was…….normal I didn’t think about it that way. Someone had to tell me I was ill. Realizing how ill I was I broke down. I cried my eyes out. I surrendered and felt how helpless I was.

The hardest aspect of surrender was that the doctor I had said I couldn’t work. I don’t know if reporting sick is the right phrase but she wrote a note and she said I should give it to my boss. I often think about everyone else but me. I could take the depression but not that it would involve my co workers. I remember that day. I went to a co worker and told her. She helped me with everything.

I struggled a long time with the feeling I had let people down because I couldn’t work. Don’t be afraid to get help when you suffer from any illness. Often it is easier to admit to yourself how you feel than to everyone else. Put yourself first.

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Better

I haven’t traveled or anything like that. That’s not why I’ve been absent. I want to tell you there’s been a crazy time. Instead I’ve had every flu that’s out there. I fell sick and when I though I was through with it I got sick again. I am the happiest when I do nothing however this was more than nothing. I couldn’t do anything.

I do a little post this time. I have to tell you I ate more candy than normal during this. I know sugar isn’t a flu cure but it helps. We currently have these candy bags and they’ll help me getting well.

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There’s honestly one more bag somewhere. You can’t have enough sugary goodies.

Accepting

I have had many rather insane things happen to me when it comes to the psychiatric care. I wouldn`t be this depressed if it had been “smooth sailing”. I`ve had doctors not doing what they should and because I`m “too healthy to be ill” I often haven`t been treated like I`m ill. I`m not well but because I`m not like what most consider a depressed to be like many don`t understand how bad I feel. There are no stereotypical depressed but many think there are. When you don`t behave like this stereotypical depressed you get treated like you are well.

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I`ve been in the psychiatric care a long time. In the beginning I was happy that someone realized how I felt. I did everything I was told without giving it a thought. I remember how I, I even do this to some point today, said what I felt was the right thing to say to doctors and therapists. I felt like if I said the truth which often wasn`t what doctors had in mind they would be offended or I would be considered not being depressed. Now I`ve learned you have to stick up for yourself. You don`t have to be mean or anything but you have to stick up for yourself.

The doctor I have now is okey. The only thing is that he is like most doctors. They don`t think outside the box. They subscribe the medicines they do all the time. I`ve tried some new medicines but like most of the time they don`t work. A medicine like anti-depressant take time to work. I know that and when a medicine hasn`t made anything better after a while you know it won`t work. A while ago the doctor I have wanted me to try a anti-anxiety medicine I haven`t tried before. I`ll do anything to feel better and thought it was a wonderful idea. Until the doctor told me about it. It had lots of restrictions to it. You couldn`t take much more else than it. When a medicine is like this at least I know it must be bad to you.

Inspite all restrictions I tried the medicine. I felt sick at once. Physically sick. However I wanted to give it time. Lots of medicines make you feel sick in the beginning. I went to my doctor and he said it shouldn`t make you feel like that and that I should keep on taking it. I did but it got bad. I lost my appetite, felt sick and my bowls felt like they exploded. I was on the toilet all day for a long time. My old self would have been a good patient and kept taking the medicine. I would endured the all day toilet visits and never minded the rapid weight loss because of them. My new self decided to stop taking the medicine and don`t care. I haven`t been to the doctor for a while and he doesn`t know I`ve stopped taking the medicine. He won`t think I`m a perfect client but I don`t care!