Getting better

I want to get well. I don’t want my anxiety and depression. I don’t want to feel like I do all the time. All this time I’ve been trying to get better and I get nothing for it. When you take care of yourself and you don’t do drugs to sedate yourself you don’t get the help you should get. Not me anyway.

I don’t know how it is in your country, in Sweden it’s hard to get a doctor. There are no doctors. To get a doctor specialized in the mental area are impossible. I’ve had specialized doctors however for a while I’ve had “normal” ones that doesn’t know much when it comes to mental health. Because of the shortage of specialized doctors the clinic I belong to has had to employ the doctors that are available. They don’t get anything.

I take care of myself and it’s like the doctors don’t get that you can feel ill because of that. I shower and keep myself presentable. I don’t know why I shouldn’t feel depressed because of that.

 

Happy

I’ve had a bad depression for a while now. It has made me unable to do anything. Sometimes it helps to talk about it here but not lately. I had to take time off everything and break down. I have felt sick because I was that sad. I have felt that I don’t want to carry on. Now I have to do what I can to get better.

I have to find my happiness somehow. I know I can’t keep on feeling sad. Sad isn’t right rather devastated. I can’t have my depression decide anything anymore.

I’m strong.

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Surrender

I have been depressed for a long time. At first I didn’t know I was depressed. I knew but cause I had felt sad for a long time my sadness had become a normal state of mind. I cried everyday and I felt trapped. Everything I had enjoyed doing I didn’t do anymore. I never laughed.

I knew about depression but because my normal state of sadness was…….normal I didn’t think about it that way. Someone had to tell me I was ill. Realizing how ill I was I broke down. I cried my eyes out. I surrendered and felt how helpless I was.

The hardest aspect of surrender was that the doctor I had said I couldn’t work. I don’t know if reporting sick is the right phrase but she wrote a note and she said I should give it to my boss. I often think about everyone else but me. I could take the depression but not that it would involve my co workers. I remember that day. I went to a co worker and told her. She helped me with everything.

I struggled a long time with the feeling I had let people down because I couldn’t work. Don’t be afraid to get help when you suffer from any illness. Often it is easier to admit to yourself how you feel than to everyone else. Put yourself first.

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Better

I haven’t traveled or anything like that. That’s not why I’ve been absent. I want to tell you there’s been a crazy time. Instead I’ve had every flu that’s out there. I fell sick and when I though I was through with it I got sick again. I am the happiest when I do nothing however this was more than nothing. I couldn’t do anything.

I do a little post this time. I have to tell you I ate more candy than normal during this. I know sugar isn’t a flu cure but it helps. We currently have these candy bags and they’ll help me getting well.

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There’s honestly one more bag somewhere. You can’t have enough sugary goodies.

Accepting

I have had many rather insane things happen to me when it comes to the psychiatric care. I wouldn`t be this depressed if it had been “smooth sailing”. I`ve had doctors not doing what they should and because I`m “too healthy to be ill” I often haven`t been treated like I`m ill. I`m not well but because I`m not like what most consider a depressed to be like many don`t understand how bad I feel. There are no stereotypical depressed but many think there are. When you don`t behave like this stereotypical depressed you get treated like you are well.

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I`ve been in the psychiatric care a long time. In the beginning I was happy that someone realized how I felt. I did everything I was told without giving it a thought. I remember how I, I even do this to some point today, said what I felt was the right thing to say to doctors and therapists. I felt like if I said the truth which often wasn`t what doctors had in mind they would be offended or I would be considered not being depressed. Now I`ve learned you have to stick up for yourself. You don`t have to be mean or anything but you have to stick up for yourself.

The doctor I have now is okey. The only thing is that he is like most doctors. They don`t think outside the box. They subscribe the medicines they do all the time. I`ve tried some new medicines but like most of the time they don`t work. A medicine like anti-depressant take time to work. I know that and when a medicine hasn`t made anything better after a while you know it won`t work. A while ago the doctor I have wanted me to try a anti-anxiety medicine I haven`t tried before. I`ll do anything to feel better and thought it was a wonderful idea. Until the doctor told me about it. It had lots of restrictions to it. You couldn`t take much more else than it. When a medicine is like this at least I know it must be bad to you.

Inspite all restrictions I tried the medicine. I felt sick at once. Physically sick. However I wanted to give it time. Lots of medicines make you feel sick in the beginning. I went to my doctor and he said it shouldn`t make you feel like that and that I should keep on taking it. I did but it got bad. I lost my appetite, felt sick and my bowls felt like they exploded. I was on the toilet all day for a long time. My old self would have been a good patient and kept taking the medicine. I would endured the all day toilet visits and never minded the rapid weight loss because of them. My new self decided to stop taking the medicine and don`t care. I haven`t been to the doctor for a while and he doesn`t know I`ve stopped taking the medicine. He won`t think I`m a perfect client but I don`t care!

 

Caring

I have been sick a lot lately. Now I have a cold again. I think it`s cause my thyroid is not doing what it should. I have a thyroid that works faster than it should. It`s only a minor disfunction but even a minor one can make your body break down. I used to take medicine for it but I did the stupidest thing. I stopped taking it a long time ago. I felt the medicine didn`t do anything and I stopped. I had a very low dosage of the medicine and thought it couldn`t make any difference if I didn`t take. I was wrong.

If you suffer from a malfunctioning thyroid you should take your medicine! You often have to continue taking it for the rest of your life. The thyroid is a glance on the front side of your throat. It`s not big but it does a lot. Women are most prone to have some thyroid malfunction going on. A lot of women are affected. If there`s something wrong with your thyroid it either works too fast or too slow or has something else that`s not working right.

There are symptoms to tell if your thyroid is “broken”. The most common are:

¤Your feelings are all over the place and you get mood swings.

¤You either loose or gain weight without any reason.

¤You sweat more than you normally would.

¤Skin problems.

¤The pattern of your period changes.

¤Tiredness.

I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks and I will tell him this. My anxiety has also been high lately and this can be the reason. I wonder what he will say about me stopping to take the medicine.WIN_20160614_17_48_23_Pro

 

 

 

Better

I have been down and out for a couple of days. I caught a bad stomach flu which made me unable to do anything. The only thing I could do was to lay down and hope to get better,  sooner rather than later.

I hate to be this sick. The “not able to do anything” part don’t bother me. I like to do as little as possible from time to time but to just lay and wait for the next race to the toilet I could do without.

Kajsa and my mom helped me get through it. Kajsa either layed beside me or if she didn’t do that she came into my room often to see how I was. My mom helped me with Kajsa. I couldn’t take Kajsa for her walks and my mom helped me.

All in all I made it!1481822370366-1591242997