Here

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I’m very sorry I haven’t been here for a while. My depression a long with the heat wave has made me feel uninspired! I don’t know if you either have had a heatwave or lots of rain but here it’s been HOT! You would think Sweden was a country where it was always cold and polar bears walking around shivering in this cold. But we’ve had this hot weather with, what it feels like, 100% humidity.

I hurt my shoulder a while ago because I had exercised too hard. It was a pain that made me unable to workout. All I could do was making these stretching workouts. For someone addicted to exercise it was hard not to workout like I always do which is hard and for a long time. My shoulder doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and I can exercise a little.

I will be back soon with a longer post. Take care.

Empath

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I am the biggest empath you can find. I have always been this way. This combined with a sense of intuition make being around people hard. I can’t read thoughts or anything but I can sense how everyone around me are feeling. I can tell if you’re a good person or not. I can tell how you want your life to feel like. For example my cousin met this girl. Only by looking at pictures of her and my mom tell me some basic stuff about her I knew how their relationship would be. I said she had made a plan of how she wanted her life with my cousin would be. They moved in together very soon which I knew. They got married after a short while together. I knew they would. She wears the pants in that relationship which I knew she was immediately my mom told me my cousin had met a girl. She got pregnant and already then I said one was not enough. Of course they got another kid!

I’m not saying I’m psychic but I am very sensitive to everything around me. When I’m out and about I get these flashes from everyone I meet. I know who like me suffer from mental illness. I mean those you can’t tell are suffering only by looking at them. I know if you have many kids or not. I have had to learn how to switch this intuition off other wise I would go crazy! I talk to myself in “my brain” about things like what I’ll buy the next time I’m buying groceries.

I feel sorry for everyone especially animals. Sometimes you come across a video of an abused animal that they nurse back to a happy animal. I have forbidden myself from looking at these videos because I cry and even though the animal ends up having the best life. All I can think about was how the animal looked when they found it.

From a sensitive woman. Take care.

Weight loss

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I am proud to say that I have worked out like crazy. Almost everyday. It’s not only work outs it’s hysterical workouts. I do either my upper or lower body for about 1 hour. Then I do 30 minutes of ab workout. My body has grown bigger because I have gained muscles. I wrote “Weight loss” but I have gained weight because of the muscles. When it comes to body fat I have lost some weight.

I love women that have a big lower body (I don’t love women “that” way I only think that women with a bigger lower body is something I want for my body). With all my workouts I have almost achieved that. I know I look fat and I have lots of fat that I need to get rid of but I am excited to say that it’s not only fat. I am not anywhere near where I want to be but I feel like I could reach my goal sometime. My belly is big and I don’t know what to do. The thing is I have gotten some visible ab muscles but even so my belly continues to “hang”. I know with age it gets harder to lose weight but with all the work I put in to slim down my belly would be much smaller.

I know that my diet is………………..it’s not a diet. I eat what I want. I could never starve myself. A “starve diet” isn’t good in the long run. I should cut down on some things but it’s hard.

My belly looks smaller however it is there.
A big lower body.

Take care!

Here sometime

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I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.

On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.

A thing that I posted on Instagram.

Sugar free sugar. “Our sugar free cookies contain 2 cups of sugar.”

If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.

I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.

See you there or sometimes here.

Love lost

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I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.

I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.

I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.

Good day

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I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.

Happiness.

Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.

Happy less.

Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.

Take care!

Excessive exercise

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I try my best to get the weight off my belly. My arms and legs have gotten bigger but that is because they have muscles now. My arms and legs are in the best shape they have been for a while. I don’t write that to tell you how much I love them but I’m happy that some of my body parts are in shape. Then we have my belly. I’ve written about it many times but I want to give you an update what has happened with it.

Some days I feel it has gotten smaller. Some days I feel it has gotten bigger. I don’t know what to do. I exercise excessively. Often every day. I know that exercising too much can do more harm than good but I feel bad when I don’t do it. In every workout my belly gets 30 minutes of hard exercises. I train every part of my belly. It is in rather good shape because I feel the exercises getting easier. But it’s big even though I do all this.

I also have to do something about my diet. Now I eat what I want and how much I want. I try to cut down on cream and butter in my food but I think everything taste nothing when I don’t put fat in it.

This was my belly.

This is my belly now.
There’s some small difference however I shouldn’t have any belly to talk about because of my exercise. I’ll keep on trying to slim it down.

Skin vitamin

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I love and I’m a bit obsessed with supplements and vitamins. I try to eat healthy but I know that I can never eat all the nutrients I need. That’s why I take all these vitamins.

I’ve noticed that the older I get my skin needs lots of care. Both inside and out. I take care of my skin on the outside with cleansers, toners, creams and serums. I could never not use all that skincare. I think it’s important to do what you can for your skin.

Now we come to how I take care of my skin from the inside. I take many supplement but for my skin I take this supplement. Great earth “Beautyful skin”. If you or someone you know suffer from acne breakouts you should try it. I don’t know if it’s because of this supplement or that my skin just feel good right now but since I began taking it I have had less acne breakouts. My skin looks even and have a healthy color. You take two capsules a day and they are easy to swallow because they are not big.

Like many vitamins this also took a while before you see any changes. The changes weren’t very big but I think my skin looks healthier.

Try it and give it a go.

Expensive skincare

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I have found some ways to get through those days when my depression is hysterical. I’m depressed all the time but at times I get knocked down by my sadness. It’s almost impossible to find something that makes thing a little easier. My favorite treatment for depression is to buy skincare. I often buy the more cheaper products but when I’m really sad I buy some expensive skincare products. I don’t mean I buy extremely expensive products. I buy things that are a little more on the expensive side than I normally buy.

Clinique is one of my favorite expensive brand. They have products that are too expensive even for me. I would never buy something for hundreds of euros. I often buy their cleansing things. They don’t cost that much and they last a long time.

When I wear make up I double cleans in the evening. I often use my regular cleanser twice to get rid of all make up. I clean twice because I want to be certain all my make up has been rinsed off when I go to bed. When I was really depressed a while ago I bought Clinique’s “All about clean”. It’s a make up remover. I use it first in my cleaning routine when I’ve worn make up. It removes all make up even the eye make up. After that I use my regular cleanser. I feel that I have to use my everyday cleanser after the make up cleanser to remove dirt and clean the pores.

That was my favorite way to fight depression.

Wonderful

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I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!

Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.

I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.

I wish you a great day and I’ll write again soon.