Laugh

22/04/2017Leave a comment

I’ve had a wonderful week. Not. I’m cutting down on an anti depressant medicine because I will stop take it. I will try another one but you have to stop taking the one you’re on before you can do it. I’ve stopped taking other medicines before but this is the worst one. This week I’ve had every disease there is because of this cutting down process! I’ve had everything from a cold to a fever and haven’t been able to do anything.

Other than that I’ve had a cold for two months. I am tired! I think my forever cold is because my thyroid isn’t working. I used to take medicines because of a my “broken” thyroid but I stopped taking them. Big mistake! You usually have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of your life.

Yesterday I “dropped in”to a doctors office because of my cold. You can drop in if you have a lighter disease you want help with. My cold was too light for them and I booked an appoinment with a doctor later. They will do not only a “cold exam” but also a thyroid exam. Hilarious times at the moment.

The positive side to this is that my candy obsession is gone.

Candy ban

16/04/2017Leave a comment

I haven’t eaten candy in almost a week! I want to say it’s because I have a strong will but it’s not. I’m changing anti depressant medicine and when you do that you have to stop the one you’re taking. I’m cutting down on the one I’ve been taking for many years. This is the hardest medicine I’ve ever stopped taking. I have flu symtoms and no appetite. That’s the reason I haven’t eaten candy. Good times you think but not for me. I have trouble keeping my weight and loose a lot if I don’t eat.

I have to eat even though I’m not hungry now. I have a good appetite usually but not now. I know many of you don’t think I should complain. “I want to loose weight and would be excited if I wasn’t hungry.”

I’ve always fought to keep my weight and to be too thin is hard. When I meet doctors for the first time they ask if I eat. It feels rude to me. I eat more than I should but can’t put weight on! Now I have no appetite and I’m probably loosing weight right now. The candy I don’t want but food I need. Well.

Never

24/01/20171 Comment

I made the biggest mistake of my life some years ago. By that time I lived in the town I live in now and my depression was through the roof. I felt like I needed a change and decided to move to the place, which I`ll call”p”, where most of my relative on my mom`s side live. I thought the small village would help me in getting better. P is a place where everyone knows each other. I felt like that closeness would bring me calm.

My relatives helped me move. They moved my furniture and took it to my new flat. I had to clean the flat I had been living in and would go to P a couple of days later. The same day my two aunts met me at the train station in P I knew I had made a big mistake by moving there. “L” who is one of them went on and on about how they had spent the whole day making my flat ready for me to move in to. When I say on and on I mean it. She made me feel guilty that they had to help me. I never even asked them to do that. The whole car ride to my new flat she kept going. When we eventually got there she continued. I was exhausted when they left. This was just the beginning.

L thinks she is right in everything. She lives in this small village and everyone is afraid of her. She makes everyone`s business her own. If you don`t live your life according to her standards you will feel it. She has always had things to say about me. Everything from that I am spoiled (when I was a child) to I have too many clothes (all the time). Nothing about that is true.

I have always had the need to be alone sometimes. I love to have days when it`s just me and I have nothing to do. Especially when my depression is bad I need those days. That`s what made things go from bad to worse when I lived in P. L seemed to think that I should visit them everyday. Even if I had days where I couldn`t get out of bed because of my depression I had to go there. And when I was in her home I was on the edge the whole time because she would say hurtful things. When I began staying away from her she became this crazy person who made my life not easy to say the least.

There is much more to this story and I have to tell that later this week otherwise this post will get too long. There is much more crazieness to come!

L is crazier than me!

Fight

13/01/2017Leave a comment

I’ve had a hard time lately. My anxiety has been through the roof. I know why and because I’ve had my anxiety for so long I know it gets better. That’s one “good” thing about having had this illness such a long time.

When I was diagnosed with depression I was in a bad state. I spent my days in bed crying. I felt like closing my eyes and never open them again. I thought things would never get better. What made it better was that I found a reason to live. I began “dog sitting” and that made everything a little better. I will tell you about this dog in another post.

If you suffer from any kind of mental illness, don’t give up! I know it’s a struggle but you can’t give up. The best advice I can give to make it bearable is that you try to find something that keeps you going. I know what it’s like to be at the bottom of the “depression hole” and I know it can seem impossible to find something that brings some relief to the pain. As long as that something isn’t harmful to you anything goes.

I find it hard to talk about myself and because of that, going to a therapist used to be stressful to me. I hated to be in the therapist’s office and talk about how I felt. To make it easier I found that if I bought junk food and stayed up late at night after the “the talk about me” session it felt better. Stay up late and junk food is an harmless “something”. I think especially the greasy food helped.

This little girl gives me strength.

Feeling

06/12/201606/12/20164 Comments

I almost never write about my anxiety and depression. That`s not because I`m ashamed of it, it`s because I think it`s enough for me to feel those things. I`m that kind of person that don`t have the need to talk about it too. This blog is almost always about all things other than my depression. I write about the things that keeps me going and makes me happy. Sometimes though I feel like writing about it. The reason is that no one really talks about these things. Or, it do get talked about in tv shows and lectures for example but often not in real life. I know that`s different from person to person, but for me that`s how it is. Most of my relatives for example ignore how I feel. Not that I ever talk about it but it seems like they think that depression is something only weak people suffer from and “why don`t you just snap out of it”.

These illnesses are more common than most people think. For instance, many of my friends have some time in their life been depressed. No one knew at the time but later they have revealed it. Another example is a support group I went to briefly. Among the other participants were a former classmate of mine. I never would have known. Often you can`t tell only by looking at someone if they are depressed.

I always struggle with myself “should I write about this or not”. I know that if I don`t I contribute to the “ashamed feeling” concerning this. I will write about it sometimes and I hope it will help someone. There have been many hilarious things along the way and they deserve to be mentioned.

She gives me strenght.

Kajsa's and Cecilia's world

This blog is about anything and everything. Kajsa my dog is in heaven now however she will always be in my heart and also have her name on the blog. I'll decided to only use Instagram for a while. Would like to see you there. cecilia.helin.39 in small letters.

Tag: Depression