Category: Depression, Illness

Away

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I don’t know how time can fly that fast. I thought I would have a little blog break but it lasted a long while.

I had to do nothing for a while. My depression was getting crazy. I knew it was bad when I all I wanted to do was cry. I’ve learned that if I’m not careful I can crash down the depression hole and it’s hard to get well. I’ve often ignored how I’ve felt and that made me unable to do anything cause I got sicker than ever. After having a depression this long I know I have to think about myself what I want. I think we all often think we have to be there for everyone but ourselves. With that out of the way I hope you’re doing wonderful.

 

Sugar

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Anxiety. Chocolate cake and whipped cream helps.

Depression. Chocolate cake and whipped cream helps with that also.

Anxiety and depression at the same time. Chocolate cake, whipped cream and berries helps.

When that doesn’t help have not only one but two pieces of cake. With more whipped cream and berries.

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Sugarless

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I know I’m writing lots about depression now. I do it cause I feel more depressed than in a long time. I would do more humour posts if I could but it’s hard to when I don’t have anything to laugh about at the moment.

There’s a positive thing about my depression. I loose my sugar cravings. I eat lots of candy when I’m “balanced”. I usually can’t have dinner without candy afterwards. Now I haven’t had candy for some time. I don’t miss it.

I know sugar is hard to quit. I’m happy I’ve managed without it for a while. I have to say though I eat sugar things like cookies now but not as many like I usually do. Candy is my biggest source of candy and I feel like not eating that is a huge improvement.

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The thing that makes it easier for me to quit sugar is sugar free gum. There are many flavors to choose from nowadays and it’s easy to find a favorite one. I have some gum after dinner and that makes me not want candy. I know you think that’s easy for me to say I only have to replace sugar with something simple as gum, but that does it for me. I can’t say I’ll quit candy for all times, but every candy free day you have is better than nothing.

Better

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I don’t think anyone should force their getting better from a depression method on you. I’ve had many “know it allers” give their thoughts but that didn’t help. The ones that make me angriest are those giving advice that never have been depressed themselves. I have to say there’s a difference between giving friendly advice and shoving advice down someone’s throat. I love those that care about you and want you to feel better. It’s the ones that think they know everything and demand you to do what they say that makes me angry.

With that said I thought I would tell you how I survive bad depressions. Firstly I do what’s good for me. The thing that helps me more than anything is being by myself and surf the net. I don’t answer calls or send e mails when I do it. I can’t avoid people trying to contact me for long but a day here and there is fine. I try to avoid websites that makes me sad or angry. To read and forget about myself is mind cleansing to me.

I eat what I want. I do that all the time but I eat more unhealthy than usual when I’m depressed.

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Haha bags with candy helps. I get excited when candy’s about that’s why the picture is blurry!

I avoid stressful social media. There are social media places where you have to post “everything is perfect” pictures and that stresses me out. This blog is not stressful and not something I avoid.

I think my “off time” is important. I don’t take work home with me.

These were some things that help me.

Depressed

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I have hit the lowest low in my depression. I’ve felt the depression coming a long time now and it came with full force a while ago. I feel tired and have lost the will to do anything. I should be used to feeling like this but I don’t think you ever get used to it. I feel depressed all the time but not like this. There’s an expression in Sweden “walking into a wall”. Even if you haven’t heard that it speaks for itself. You walk into the wall because you’re too depressed and then you’re stuck in that feeling.

The first sign of deep depression for me is feeling sick like I’m going to throw up. This goes on for days and I loose all strenght. I’ve tried to take care of myself but there was nothing I could do about it. I feel like crying but I don’t.

A big reason for my depression is that I don’t have the medicines I should have. My doctor have given me different medicines to try. Nothing has helped. A while ago he put me on a anti-anxiety medicine. I got physically sick from it. I told him that I got sick but he wouldn’t listen. He told me there were no side effects like I experienced to it and I should keep taking it. I tried to keep taking it but I couldn’t. I got tired of trying medicines that made me sick and cause of that I quit the ones that made me sick. I have no anti depressant medicine at the moment cause of that.

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There’s not only depression at the moment. Today we had “sandwich cake” for dinner. A big sandwich cake! I love it.

Rest

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I had to have a mental rest. My anxiety and depression have made me tired and I had to do nothing. That’s the only thing that helps for me. I have to clear my head when I feel that way. I’m that person that heal when I do nothing.

A side to me you don’t know about is that music is my thing. I’ve had music in my life all my life. I sing and write songs. All my life isn’t correct. I had many years where I was too depressed to play and write songs. I somehow denied myself from having anything to do with music.

Now I’m finding my way back to doing things I love. I’ve bought new instruments to mark kind of a new beginning. My old instruments reminds me of how I’ve felt in the past. You could think music instruments are only things but not to me.

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Kajsa gets relaxed when I sing.

My favorite music genre is rock music. I love it. I listen to a lot of music genres but rock is what I love.

 

Accepting

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I have had many rather insane things happen to me when it comes to the psychiatric care. I wouldn`t be this depressed if it had been “smooth sailing”. I`ve had doctors not doing what they should and because I`m “too healthy to be ill” I often haven`t been treated like I`m ill. I`m not well but because I`m not like what most consider a depressed to be like many don`t understand how bad I feel. There are no stereotypical depressed but many think there are. When you don`t behave like this stereotypical depressed you get treated like you are well.

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I`ve been in the psychiatric care a long time. In the beginning I was happy that someone realized how I felt. I did everything I was told without giving it a thought. I remember how I, I even do this to some point today, said what I felt was the right thing to say to doctors and therapists. I felt like if I said the truth which often wasn`t what doctors had in mind they would be offended or I would be considered not being depressed. Now I`ve learned you have to stick up for yourself. You don`t have to be mean or anything but you have to stick up for yourself.

The doctor I have now is okey. The only thing is that he is like most doctors. They don`t think outside the box. They subscribe the medicines they do all the time. I`ve tried some new medicines but like most of the time they don`t work. A medicine like anti-depressant take time to work. I know that and when a medicine hasn`t made anything better after a while you know it won`t work. A while ago the doctor I have wanted me to try a anti-anxiety medicine I haven`t tried before. I`ll do anything to feel better and thought it was a wonderful idea. Until the doctor told me about it. It had lots of restrictions to it. You couldn`t take much more else than it. When a medicine is like this at least I know it must be bad to you.

Inspite all restrictions I tried the medicine. I felt sick at once. Physically sick. However I wanted to give it time. Lots of medicines make you feel sick in the beginning. I went to my doctor and he said it shouldn`t make you feel like that and that I should keep on taking it. I did but it got bad. I lost my appetite, felt sick and my bowls felt like they exploded. I was on the toilet all day for a long time. My old self would have been a good patient and kept taking the medicine. I would endured the all day toilet visits and never minded the rapid weight loss because of them. My new self decided to stop taking the medicine and don`t care. I haven`t been to the doctor for a while and he doesn`t know I`ve stopped taking the medicine. He won`t think I`m a perfect client but I don`t care!

 

Heartbroken

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You and me long ago. I know it was long ago but I sometimes feel the thorn you planted in my heart. The thorn that reminds me you were my first love. My first love that broke my heart. I know we weren`t meant to be but I have never forgotten about you.

Don`t think I haven`t moved on. I did long ago. It was half a lifetime ago we were together and I almost don`t think about you anymore. Only sometimes when I get reminded of you. I`ve been in love many times after I had you and I never thought about you then. I`ve found love and never compared them to you.

I think about you when I feel sad. Sadness and heartbreak are the same to me. The feeling that you never will feel joy again is the same with sadness and heartbreak. I never thought I would find anyone after you but I did. I did and I was in love.

I never cry because of you anymore. I did that a long time ago. I hid my tears from everyone but I cried all the time. I cried because my heart was in pieces. I never thought my tears would end.

You will never know this. I won`t let you even think you`re in my thoughts.

Mental vacation

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I had to take a mental vacation for a while. I was very tired and had to take a break from everything. I don`t feel better but my mental state is stronger. I haven`t done a lot and that is what mental vacation is. Not doing anything.

Kajsa always helps me when I feel depressed. Animals have that sense of knowing when you feel bad. She is my best friend and loves me for me. I can get these anxiety “attacks” and when I hug her they disappear.

Dogs are the best. They make you laugh. Everyone should be the way dogs are. For example they don`t dwell on everything like we do. I remember when we had a pie on the balcony. It was there to cool down after it had been baked. The balcony door was open and Kajsa went out and ate from it. She must have thought “How nice of you to make this for me. I was hungry.” Not wondering why the pie was there. Kajsa never gorges on food and she must have taken some of the pie chewed on it and then taken even more. Not a worry in the world! Not feeling stressed to eat the whole pie before we would find her.

Love her.

 

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Give me pie.

 

 

Wanting

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I am crazy mentally tired. It has been hard lately. Having a lousy therapist doesn’t help!

I don’t want to tell you the whole story but I’ve been without a therapist for a long time because of many reasons. I was happy when I got one a while ago. That happiness was short lived. My reasons for meeting with a therapist is to help with my anxiety and the behaviours it creates. This my therapist makes worse!

On all our appointments she has made clear that she doesn’t know if we can work together. I feel she means she doesn’t know if she likes me! I feel like I have to behave like she wants me to otherwise I’m out the door. That makes me angry. A therapist should be there for you and not say they don’t know if you can work together! Yesterday she almost made me cry from frustration. Not because we talked about something hard but because I felt her working against me. When we talk about anxiety her advice is only to cope with it. No advice on how to cope with it just that I have to cope. When you’re doing things to beat behaviours created by anxiety I feel like throwing up and fainting. To not know how to deal with that makes it hard to do. And the anxiety behaviours is the tip of lots of things that has to be treated first.

I’ve decided to not work with her anymore. I can’t have a therapist that makes me feel worthless.

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She is what makes me feel better.