Panic attack

I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.

For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.

Me during a panic attack. Not a good photo but it shows how I feel.

I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.

Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.

Silly joke

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I don’t know but is this what they call a “gated community”? It looks very safe…………

Very big

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“-This yoghurt is too big for me. You have to eat half!”

This is the smallest yoghurt I’ve ever bought! It’s tasty though.

Funny

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I have to say sorry in advance because of the disgusting content (unless you have a dog or you are a dogsitter).

I know what dog owner and dog sitters have in common if there is more than one human in the family. The talk. This is how the talk would sound like if us humans had it with each other.

-Have you peed and pooped today?

-Yes. I pooped once but it took a while before I pooped. I went to the toilet many times before I got some poo out.

-How many times did you pee?

-One long pee and then I did some “marking” pees so everyone using the toilet after me would know I had been there.

-What did the poo look like?

-It was fine.

For those that never had the dog talk it goes like this.

-Has the dog peed and pooped today?

-It did a long pee then it “pee marked” countless times.

-What did the poo look like?

-It looked perfect.

I know it’s disgusting but that’s what the dog talk sounds like. With Kajsa (my dog I had to have put down) me and my mom had that talk almost everyday. It was “she peed so many times I lost count”, “we walked and walked but she didn’t pooped”, “she peed almost nothing”, “she pooped many times”.

You never think of how it sounds like. And if Kajsa didn’t poo we talked about where we would walk on the next walk to make her do it! “We go to the forest she always poo’s there.”

I was dog sitting a dog and the first time I met the dog owner she said “She always pee’s and poop’s first thing in the morning when we go for the morning walk. ” And all I thought was “how wonderful then the morning walk will go smoothly.”

Dog people are crazy!

Showers

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First of all I don’t know why I decided to write about this!

I don’t know about you but I shower and wash my hair everyday. I have read lots of things were people discuss this. I got interested in how it is out there. Do people shower everyday or less? I think many don’t shower everyday. At leastI know it’s common to not wash the hair everyday. I get why you don’t do it. Many people have dry hair and can’t wash it often. And I think it’s good for the hair to have some “rest days”. Today you use dry shampoo if you want your hair to feel fresh between washes. And some have hair that don’t get greasy until after a couple of days after washing it. I don’t think everyone shower everyday either. The ones I know about that don’t shower everyday do it every other day. I don’t judge any of you if you don’t shower or wash your hair everyday! It’s up to you. What I have a problem with is how people describe what they do instead and how often they think you should clean themselves.

First we have those that shower once or so a week. I think that’s a bit extreme to be honest. I’ve read that they use wet cotton to clean their private parts after every visit to the toilet. Isn’t it easier to take a quick shower everyday instead? It takes lots of time if you’re doing that everytime you visit the bathroom. And you probably clean you armpits everyday with some water from the sink. They say that they don’t smell but let me tell you. I’ve smelled unwashed people miles away. Not miles but you know what I mean. There have been people that have spread their odour through out a whole bus! I think it’s those that never shower and never use cotton pads with every toilet visit.

A hair dresser said in an article that you should only wash your hair once a week. She almost made fun of people that washed it more often. She said “put your hair in a bun when it gets oily.” I could never do that. I could wash my hair less if I didn’t workout as much as I do. I workout almost everyday and sweat like crazy. I would feel disgusting if I just put it in a bun day after day. My hair would be smelly and so oily that I wouldn’t be out in public! And the hairdresser showed her hair after a week without washing it…….. I can’t put in words how it looked. You put your hair in a bun girl because you think it’s such a good idea to wash it once a week!

At the same time I also think that we’re sometimes are hysterical when it comes to keeping ourselves smelling good. There are deodorants for your private parts and some wash their hair more than once a day everyday. There has to be a “middle way” to go when it comes to hygiene. There now I’ve written how I think. What do you think?

Forgot this. During periods in my life where my depression had been crazy I didn’t shower for days. I didn’t have the will to do anything then and I didn’t go out. This is meant for people who don’t suffer from mental illness. And I’m sorry if I offended anyone didn’t mean to do that in any way.

Potato flour

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I use potato flour to “thicken” liquid. For example I make fruit cream by adding potato flour mixed with water to fruit juice. I have also made gluten free cupcakes with potato flour instead of wheat flour. It’s great if you’re gluten intolerant. But don’t use it when you’re making oven baked pancakes!

I love oven baked pancakes. It’s the fastest way to make pancakes and it’s delicious! I don’t have a recipe for it because I make it “my way” and I know how the batter should look and it usually turn out fine. I could give you a recipe based on how much I think I use of all the ingredients.

2 portions.

4 eggs

5 dl milk

4 dl flour

Mix it all together.

Since the batter has no butter in it I put lots of it in the tray in which I bake the pancake.

Flour is something I don’t use often. When I was supposed to make oven baked pancake I found it had expired a long time ago. I had begun to mix milk and eggs and thought I would use potato flour instead. Like I wrote I had made cupcakes with it and that worked well.

You should have seen the potato flour pancake! Or you should have eaten it. It looked like rubber and it was like eating rubber! The taste was that of a pancake but that was it. I forced myself to eat because that was dinner and I was hungry. I chewed a lot! I chewed and chewed and chewed and I ate it all. I don’t know how.

Excessive training

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I hurt my shoulder a while back. The reason was that I exercised too much and too hard. I did both leg and arm workouts with resistance bands. I used the resistance band with every workout. The majority of the workouts I do is bodyweight only but I added the band and that made it hard to exercise. I was obsessed with getting more muscles fast. I exercised like that almost everyday. In the beginning it was fine. I began to use the resistance band only when I did lower body workouts. Then I thought it would be a good idea to use it when I did arm workouts.

This worked out fine for a while. I got more muscles all over. The resistance band made me get more muscles really fast. Especially my arms grew bigger than then they had ever been before. Then one day one of my shoulders really hurt very bad. It got to the point where I couldn’t use the arm on the side where the “broken” shoulder was. I tried lots of creams and lotions that should heal sore muscles. Nothing helped. Some helped for a couple of hours but the pain never went away.

For those of you that aren’t addicted to exercise would probably do no exercise at all while your shoulder healed. I have a serious addiction to exercise and to do nothing wasn’t an option. Instead I did “flexible” workout. Stretch workouts that healed sore muscles. It wasn’t the workouts I usually did but at least I did something. It helped! It took time and effort but I stuck to my workout plan. Today my shoulder has healed but I never workout with resistance band anymore. I rather do body weight workouts. Excited that I can exercise often. Yippie.

Clinique review

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I have liked the skincare brand Clinique a long time. I have used their products now and again lots over the years. I have especially used their moisturizer’s. Today I am reviewing their 3 step cleaning system. I used it the first time a long time ago and then the system consisted of a hard soap, toner and a moisturizer. Now it has a liquid soap which I like because I always used to drop the hard soap on the floor. I also think it’s more “healthier” to use a soap that is in a bottle.

There are different kinds of systems. I use the number 1 because I have dry skin. For example system number 2 I think it’s for normal to combination skin. I think many of you have used or are using these products and you have your favorite “number”.

I like the soap and toner but I don’t like the moisturizer. I don’t dislike it but I am old and need “heavy” moisturizer’s. Their moisturizer is perfect if you are younger or don’t have any wrinkles. You should use it but I feel the soap and toner works great even if you don’t use it. My skin feels clean and not dry after I have used the products. I use them every morning and evening. What I like most is that you can buy every product separately. I only buy the soap and toner. It’s rather expensive but not too expensive. You should try it and see what you think.

Heart broken

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I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.

I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.

I miss her everyday. My love.