Category: Depression, Illness

Sadness

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I’ve had my depression a long time. I don’t know of a time I haven’t been sad. I’ve never been the “typical” depressed because I’ve managed work and friends. There isn’t a typical depressed but many non depressed think that. I write many because not at all every non depressed are like this.

I can laugh and make others laugh. I don’t want to talk about my depression and that gives many the impression I’m well. I’ve been depressed all this time and I’ve encountered lots of know it allers. Especially the “snap out of it” individuals.

A depression isn’t something you can pretend it doesn’t exists. Everyone feels bad from time to time but that often goes away after a while. Feelings of a “easier” depression must be something everyone has experienced. A clinical depression though is another thing. There is some substance missing and it doesn’t go away without help.

The snap out of it “helpers” think a depression is something you only think you have. I’ve heard lots of things from them. They think going on a diet or going for a walk makes you feel better. It doesn’t! If it did there would be no vegetables left in stores and everyone would walk all the time.

A depression can get better if you take care of yourself but what that is only you can decide.

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Cake makes everything easier.

 

Rest

4 Comments

I’ve been mentally tired for a while. My depression has made me more tired than normal. I’m always tired but recently I’ve been too tired to do anything. That’s when I have mental rests.

Mental rests are what they sound like. I don’t do anything that requires any complicated thinking. I surf around the net or watch stupid tv shows. I often don’t meet anyone during the rests. I often don’t like being around others anyway and when I’m mentally tired I have to be alone.

When you’re depressed or suffer from any mental illness you have to do what is best for you. I used to always be there for others or work overtime whenever it was needed. I never do that anymore. I used to think I had to listen to the most annoying friend go on and on about somethings because that’s what good friends do. Now I’ve instead got rid of these annoying friends (haha not got rid of in that way), which I didn’t like, and only have friends I like. Friends should make you happy! I never work more than I should. I know working overtime makes you a hardworking, but it makes me more depressed.

The most important is to do things that ease the depression. I eat what I want for one thing. I know being on a diet could make you feel better, but I’ve never experienced that. I feel worse if I can’t eat what I want. I’ve tried and it didn’t help. I have to eat lots to feel good mentally and because I exercise a lot I have to give my body fuel.

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Weight

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I`ve lost lots of weight. I don`t mean that in a good way. I`ve been taking less and less of the anti depressant medicine and it shows. I lost my appetite early and it`s gone now. I have to force myself to eat which isn`t easy. Don`t get angry at me all you that are trying to loose weight. I hate being this thin.

I`ve begun eating snacks in the middle of the night. I have an appetite then and snacks are the easiest way to fill me up. It`s crazy but I`m happy I eat something. I get up in my underwear and eat everything that`s unhealthy. Not only snacks, cakes are fine too. I sit in the dark and stuff myself. I have done that sometimes before but now I do it every night.

Today I made a weight gainer dinner. Lots of pasta, butter and cream. I have to get calories where I can and that dinner was filled with it.

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I boiled fresh pasta and onion. I boiled the onion because I wanted it to be soft and not crunchy. The taste doesn`t disappear in the water but it gets milder.

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After the pasta was done I put it in the pan again. I added LOTS of butter. I also added tinned tomatoes and LOTS of cream. The whole thing cooked for a while.

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Delicious.

Laugh

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I’ve had a wonderful week. Not. I’m cutting down on an anti depressant medicine because I will stop take it. I will try another one but you have to stop taking the one you’re on before you can do it. I’ve stopped taking other medicines before but this is the worst one. This week I’ve had every disease there is because of this cutting down process! I’ve had everything from a cold to a fever and haven’t been able to do anything.

Other than that I’ve had a cold for two months. I am tired! I think my forever cold is because my thyroid isn’t working. I used to take medicines because of a my “broken” thyroid but I stopped taking them. Big mistake! You usually have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of your life.

Yesterday I “dropped in”to a doctors office because of my cold. You can drop in if you have a lighter disease you want help with. My cold was too light for them and I booked an appoinment with a doctor later. They will do not only a “cold exam” but also a thyroid exam. Hilarious times at the moment.

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The positive side to this is that my candy obsession is gone.

Candy ban

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I haven’t eaten candy in almost a week! I want to say it’s because I have a strong will but it’s not. I’m changing anti depressant medicine and when you do that you have to stop the one you’re taking. I’m cutting down on the one I’ve been taking for many years. This is the hardest medicine I’ve ever stopped taking. I have flu symtoms and no appetite. That’s the reason I haven’t eaten candy. Good times you think but not for me. I have trouble keeping my weight and loose a lot if I don’t eat.

I have to eat even though I’m not hungry now. I have a good appetite usually but not now. I know many of you don’t think I should complain. “I want to loose weight and would be excited if I wasn’t hungry.”

I’ve always fought to keep my weight and to be too thin is hard. When I meet doctors for the first time they ask if I eat. It feels rude to me. I eat more than I should but can’t put weight on! Now I have no appetite and I’m probably loosing weight right now. The candy I don’t want but food I need. Well.

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Fight

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I’ve had a hard time lately. My anxiety has been through the roof. I know why and because I’ve had my anxiety for so long I know it gets better. That’s one “good” thing about having had this illness such a long time.

When I was diagnosed with depression I was in a bad state. I spent my days in bed crying. I felt like closing my eyes and never open them again. I thought things would never get better. What made it better was that I found a reason to live. I began “dog sitting” and that made everything a little better. I will tell you about this dog in another post.

If you suffer from any kind of mental illness, don’t give up! I know it’s a struggle but you can’t give up. The best advice I can give to make it bearable is that you try to find something that keeps you going. I know what it’s like to be at the bottom of the “depression hole” and I know it can seem impossible to find something that brings some relief to the pain. As long as that something isn’t harmful to you anything goes.

I find it hard to talk about myself and because of that, going to a therapist used to be stressful to me. I hated to be in the therapist’s office and talk about how I felt. To make it easier I found that if I bought junk food and stayed up late at night after the “the talk about me” session it felt better. Stay up late and junk food is an harmless “something”. I think especially the greasy food helped.

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This little girl gives me strength.

 

 

Feeling

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I almost never write about my anxiety and depression. That`s not because I`m ashamed of it, it`s because I think it`s enough for me to feel those things. I`m that kind of person that don`t have the need to talk about it too. This blog is almost always about all things other than my depression. I write about the things that keeps me going and makes me happy. Sometimes though I feel like writing about it. The reason is that no one really talks about these things. Or, it do get talked about in tv shows and lectures for example but often not in real life. I know that`s different from person to person, but for me that`s how it is. Most of my relatives for example ignore how I feel. Not that I ever talk about it but it seems like they think that depression is something only weak people suffer from and “why don`t you just snap out of it”.

These illnesses are more common than most people think. For instance, many of my friends have some time in their life been depressed. No one knew at the time but later they have revealed it. Another example is a support group I went to briefly. Among the other participants were a former classmate of mine. I never would have known. Often you can`t tell only by looking at someone if they are depressed.

I always struggle with myself “should I write about this or not”. I know that if I don`t I contribute to the “ashamed feeling” concerning this. I will write about it sometimes and I hope it will help someone. There have been many hilarious things along the way and they deserve to be mentioned.

 

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She gives me strenght.