This blog is about anything and everything. Kajsa my dog is in heaven now however she will always be in my heart and also have her name on the blog. I'll decided to only use Instagram for a while. Would like to see you there. cecilia.helin.39 in small letters.
I have had big problems when it comes to weight. I have told you about my belly that has been a huge problem. I have been thin almost my whole life. It’s medicines that has made me gain weight. Once it was a medicine for my anxiety that made me gain almost one more me in weight. This time I think I know which medicine it is that causes the weight gain but I have to take it or I will get mentally exhausted again.
I exercise almost everyday and since I saw the state my belly was in I’ve done ab exercises with every workout. I have worked the abs like crazy. I love to exercise however the ab workout I could do without. I’ve never been into working out my abs but I knew a while ago I had to do it. I looked pregnant. The belly hanged down. I got disgusted with myself. I looked like a ball!
For a long time I have worked out very hard. My belly is smaller! It took a loooooooooong time but I’m on the right track. I know that if I ate healthier I would have gotten an even smaller belly. But I love food and I can’t do it. I rather workout like I do because that has helped me.
I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.
I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.
Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.
What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.
I think you have seen them every summer. Men wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Especially middle aged men does this. Please from all women DON’T. We like you but with clothes on. Don’t sit in restaurants and don’t walk around in stores half naked!
Women never (or almost never) wear just a bra unless it’s on a beach. We could but that would probably make men think we’re looking for someone to date. Short post but never the less important.
I know that the skincare brand “The ordinary” has been around for a while. But I haven’t used it that long. They have many different products. I’m almost obsessed with it. I love their products that has some kind of acid in them.
One of their best seller is the peeling with BHA and AHA acids. It has changes my skin. It says on the bottle that it shouldn’t be used more than a certain amount of time but I never leave it on for more than a couple of minutes. My skin feels soft for days after using it. It stings when you put it on your face but that disappeared when you wash it off. My next favorite product is the one with lactic acid in it. It removes all pimples on your face and leave your skin feeling fresh. I love that it works “slowly”. That means that it takes some days for it to remove pimples. Because it’s that “safe” I use it everyday. It doesn’t irritate the skin.
One wonderful product is a vitamin C powder. You mix your face cream with the powder and after time it makes your skin look more even. It comes with a little spoon. I use one the amount of one spoon in my face cream. It can feel like you’re having an acid peel on right when you apply it however that calms down after a while.
I like their moisturizer’s also. I think I find most of their products great. And nothing costs a lot. Even if you don’t have much money you can afford everyone of their products.
I remember a summer when me and a friend went to a swedish island for a vacation. We were staying at a B&B. We were 17 years old I think. My friend brought half her kitchen supplies with her because we thought you had to if you wanted to cook. We brought party clothes because we were gonna party a lot…………… we thought.
First we took a taxi to the train station that was only a couple of minutes away because my friend’s kitchen supplies was to heavy for us carry. We took the train to a town where we had to switch to a bus to take us to the B&B. On the train we were young girls doing what young girls do. We laughed and talked loudly about intimate things. Everything went fine and we took the bus after the train ride. The busdriver let us off at the bus stop but we didn’t see a B&B anywhere. We took a taxi and I think it was 500 meters he drove us! The bus had stopped where the B&B were but we didn’t see it! I wonder what the taxi driver thought about it.
Then we checked in and in this place you slept many in one room but we found a little room with only two beds and decided to put our bags there. Then. ……….. we were going grocery shopping and it took us an our to get there by foot. It was raining heavily and there we were walking and soaking wet. There were no other way to get there. We bought unhealthy food and then walked for another hour to get to the B&B with bags filled and heavy with groceries.
When we got there all our bags were thrown out of the little room by two older women who wanted that room! Alright we choose beds and went to sleep. The next day we were going to spend in our sweat pants until we would get ready to go out and party. When we sat there on our beds the manager came in and said we had to leave the B&B for a couple of hours. It was the rules. I don’t know why but there were a couple of hours the B&B had to be empty. We had to leave without having taken a shower and in our sweat pants! We just walked around and didn’t know what to do. We spent hours in a restaurant where we wrote post cards to everyone we knew. The rest of the time we walked around. When we were allowed back we were tired and didn’t want to party. We cooked our dinner in a kitchen filled with all the guests cooking at the same time! Chaos! I remember a whole family just sitting there waiting for us to finish cooking. Very relaxing! We ate and had nothing to do.
In the evening we wanted to watch tv. Let’s say we were 25 people in the tv room and one man decided what we were gonna watch. No one said anything but we all wanted the man to leave so we could watch something exciting.
After one night we felt this was nothing for us. We had booked to stay there one week and we told the manager we wanted to leave the next day. It wasn’t easy to get our money back but we got them.
The next day we took the bus to the town where the train was departing from. We spend all our money on food and things we wanted! My friend lived alone and she had no money after this. Fast forward my mom helped her out with food.
I haven’t mentioned everything we went through but it was crazy from beginning to end. I especially remember all the kitchen supplies my friend brought. We later found out the B&B kitchen had everything you could possibly need! I’ll never forget it!
I rememeber a couple of years ago. Or rather lots of years ago. My mom and a friend of hers used to visit each other and had dinner together. When my mom had her friend over she made the “dinner” (the main course) and I often made the dessert. Then I enjoyed baking and making desserts.
I especially remember two separate dinners. The first one was when my mom made lasagna. The one thing you don’t want when you’re hosting a dinner party is that you don’t have enough food. We were three people attending this dinner. My mom was making a lasagna enough for six people. When I saw the size of the lasagna I said it’s not enough for all of us. Especially my mom’s friend and me can eat a lot. I talked my mom into making the double amount of lasagna. She made lasagna for twelve people when there was only three of us! My mom was hard to convince to make this massive amount of food. She was right it was too much food. We only ate one portion each and then there were nine portions we had to throw away. We didn’t have place in either the fridge or the freezer and had nowhere to store the left over lasagna. Let’s just say there were lasagna left and right in the kitchen.
The second dinner I especially remember was when I was making waffles for dessert. We were gonna have waffles with whipped cream and jam. Good! Everything went fine with the batter. We had an old waffle maker but didn’t think anything about it. Then…………….. came the moment when I was about to make the waffles. I put lots of butter in the waffle maker to make the waffles not stick to it. Not only did the first waffle stick to the maker. I couldn’t get it out of it. I tried everything but it was stuck! After a while it felt like the waffle maker was gonna explode because the “waffle” in it made it dangerously hot. The smoke coming from it was hilarious. The fire alarm went off and the smoke filled the whole house. Everything became blurry because of the thick smoke filling every room. My eyes hurt from it. That was the only waffle we sort of made. It was black and rock hard. We gave it to my mom’s friend but I don’t know if she ate it. Me and my mom ate whipped cream and jam.
I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.
You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.
If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.
I have a very tangle prone hair. When I wash my hair I use shampoo and conditioner. But even so my hair often is one big tangle when I get out of the shower. I have to use some kind of hair oil.
I’ve tried many different oils! Everything from coconut oil to argan oil. Coconut oil made my hair greasy. I used the smallest amount and my hair looked like I hadn’t wash it in days. I’ve used “coconut infused” oil and “everyday coconut oil” but I didn’t use it for long because of the greasy feeling. Everyone is saying argan oil is liquid gold however not for me. It makes my hair greasy like coconut oil do. To save money I bought argan oil a while ago but even if I only use a small amount it is making my hair oily.
The best hair oil I think I’ve ever used is “ellwo” repairing oil. It costs lots but because you only need a small amount it usually takes me a couple of months before I have to buy a new one. The best thing about it is the smell and that it makes my hair look healthy and it smells wonderful. It smells like red berries. The textur is a little thick but I don’t care about that. I use it when my hair is wet.
I think you can find it in many shops online. I buy it for 24,90 euros. It cost some but you get a lot for your money. If you get tangles or have “wild” hair you should try it. You’ll be surprised how good it is. Try it.
I’m very sorry I haven’t been here for a while. My depression a long with the heat wave has made me feel uninspired! I don’t know if you either have had a heatwave or lots of rain but here it’s been HOT! You would think Sweden was a country where it was always cold and polar bears walking around shivering in this cold. But we’ve had this hot weather with, what it feels like, 100% humidity.
I hurt my shoulder a while ago because I had exercised too hard. It was a pain that made me unable to workout. All I could do was making these stretching workouts. For someone addicted to exercise it was hard not to workout like I always do which is hard and for a long time. My shoulder doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and I can exercise a little.
I will be back soon with a longer post. Take care.
I am the biggest empath you can find. I have always been this way. This combined with a sense of intuition make being around people hard. I can’t read thoughts or anything but I can sense how everyone around me are feeling. I can tell if you’re a good person or not. I can tell how you want your life to feel like. For example my cousin met this girl. Only by looking at pictures of her and my mom tell me some basic stuff about her I knew how their relationship would be. I said she had made a plan of how she wanted her life with my cousin would be. They moved in together very soon which I knew. They got married after a short while together. I knew they would. She wears the pants in that relationship which I knew she was immediately my mom told me my cousin had met a girl. She got pregnant and already then I said one was not enough. Of course they got another kid!
I’m not saying I’m psychic but I am very sensitive to everything around me. When I’m out and about I get these flashes from everyone I meet. I know who like me suffer from mental illness. I mean those you can’t tell are suffering only by looking at them. I know if you have many kids or not. I have had to learn how to switch this intuition off other wise I would go crazy! I talk to myself in “my brain” about things like what I’ll buy the next time I’m buying groceries.
I feel sorry for everyone especially animals. Sometimes you come across a video of an abused animal that they nurse back to a happy animal. I have forbidden myself from looking at these videos because I cry and even though the animal ends up having the best life. All I can think about was how the animal looked when they found it.
Kajsa's and Cecilia's world 