Tag: Anxiety

Better

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I don’t think anyone should force their getting better from a depression method on you. I’ve had many “know it allers” give their thoughts but that didn’t help. The ones that make me angriest are those giving advice that never have been depressed themselves. I have to say there’s a difference between giving friendly advice and shoving advice down someone’s throat. I love those that care about you and want you to feel better. It’s the ones that think they know everything and demand you to do what they say that makes me angry.

With that said I thought I would tell you how I survive bad depressions. Firstly I do what’s good for me. The thing that helps me more than anything is being by myself and surf the net. I don’t answer calls or send e mails when I do it. I can’t avoid people trying to contact me for long but a day here and there is fine. I try to avoid websites that makes me sad or angry. To read and forget about myself is mind cleansing to me.

I eat what I want. I do that all the time but I eat more unhealthy than usual when I’m depressed.

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Haha bags with candy helps. I get excited when candy’s about that’s why the picture is blurry!

I avoid stressful social media. There are social media places where you have to post “everything is perfect” pictures and that stresses me out. This blog is not stressful and not something I avoid.

I think my “off time” is important. I don’t take work home with me.

These were some things that help me.

Depressed

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I have hit the lowest low in my depression. I’ve felt the depression coming a long time now and it came with full force a while ago. I feel tired and have lost the will to do anything. I should be used to feeling like this but I don’t think you ever get used to it. I feel depressed all the time but not like this. There’s an expression in Sweden “walking into a wall”. Even if you haven’t heard that it speaks for itself. You walk into the wall because you’re too depressed and then you’re stuck in that feeling.

The first sign of deep depression for me is feeling sick like I’m going to throw up. This goes on for days and I loose all strenght. I’ve tried to take care of myself but there was nothing I could do about it. I feel like crying but I don’t.

A big reason for my depression is that I don’t have the medicines I should have. My doctor have given me different medicines to try. Nothing has helped. A while ago he put me on a anti-anxiety medicine. I got physically sick from it. I told him that I got sick but he wouldn’t listen. He told me there were no side effects like I experienced to it and I should keep taking it. I tried to keep taking it but I couldn’t. I got tired of trying medicines that made me sick and cause of that I quit the ones that made me sick. I have no anti depressant medicine at the moment cause of that.

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There’s not only depression at the moment. Today we had “sandwich cake” for dinner. A big sandwich cake! I love it.

Rest

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I had to have a mental rest. My anxiety and depression have made me tired and I had to do nothing. That’s the only thing that helps for me. I have to clear my head when I feel that way. I’m that person that heal when I do nothing.

A side to me you don’t know about is that music is my thing. I’ve had music in my life all my life. I sing and write songs. All my life isn’t correct. I had many years where I was too depressed to play and write songs. I somehow denied myself from having anything to do with music.

Now I’m finding my way back to doing things I love. I’ve bought new instruments to mark kind of a new beginning. My old instruments reminds me of how I’ve felt in the past. You could think music instruments are only things but not to me.

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Kajsa gets relaxed when I sing.

My favorite music genre is rock music. I love it. I listen to a lot of music genres but rock is what I love.

 

Accepting

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I have had many rather insane things happen to me when it comes to the psychiatric care. I wouldn`t be this depressed if it had been “smooth sailing”. I`ve had doctors not doing what they should and because I`m “too healthy to be ill” I often haven`t been treated like I`m ill. I`m not well but because I`m not like what most consider a depressed to be like many don`t understand how bad I feel. There are no stereotypical depressed but many think there are. When you don`t behave like this stereotypical depressed you get treated like you are well.

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I`ve been in the psychiatric care a long time. In the beginning I was happy that someone realized how I felt. I did everything I was told without giving it a thought. I remember how I, I even do this to some point today, said what I felt was the right thing to say to doctors and therapists. I felt like if I said the truth which often wasn`t what doctors had in mind they would be offended or I would be considered not being depressed. Now I`ve learned you have to stick up for yourself. You don`t have to be mean or anything but you have to stick up for yourself.

The doctor I have now is okey. The only thing is that he is like most doctors. They don`t think outside the box. They subscribe the medicines they do all the time. I`ve tried some new medicines but like most of the time they don`t work. A medicine like anti-depressant take time to work. I know that and when a medicine hasn`t made anything better after a while you know it won`t work. A while ago the doctor I have wanted me to try a anti-anxiety medicine I haven`t tried before. I`ll do anything to feel better and thought it was a wonderful idea. Until the doctor told me about it. It had lots of restrictions to it. You couldn`t take much more else than it. When a medicine is like this at least I know it must be bad to you.

Inspite all restrictions I tried the medicine. I felt sick at once. Physically sick. However I wanted to give it time. Lots of medicines make you feel sick in the beginning. I went to my doctor and he said it shouldn`t make you feel like that and that I should keep on taking it. I did but it got bad. I lost my appetite, felt sick and my bowls felt like they exploded. I was on the toilet all day for a long time. My old self would have been a good patient and kept taking the medicine. I would endured the all day toilet visits and never minded the rapid weight loss because of them. My new self decided to stop taking the medicine and don`t care. I haven`t been to the doctor for a while and he doesn`t know I`ve stopped taking the medicine. He won`t think I`m a perfect client but I don`t care!

 

Wanting

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I am crazy mentally tired. It has been hard lately. Having a lousy therapist doesn’t help!

I don’t want to tell you the whole story but I’ve been without a therapist for a long time because of many reasons. I was happy when I got one a while ago. That happiness was short lived. My reasons for meeting with a therapist is to help with my anxiety and the behaviours it creates. This my therapist makes worse!

On all our appointments she has made clear that she doesn’t know if we can work together. I feel she means she doesn’t know if she likes me! I feel like I have to behave like she wants me to otherwise I’m out the door. That makes me angry. A therapist should be there for you and not say they don’t know if you can work together! Yesterday she almost made me cry from frustration. Not because we talked about something hard but because I felt her working against me. When we talk about anxiety her advice is only to cope with it. No advice on how to cope with it just that I have to cope. When you’re doing things to beat behaviours created by anxiety I feel like throwing up and fainting. To not know how to deal with that makes it hard to do. And the anxiety behaviours is the tip of lots of things that has to be treated first.

I’ve decided to not work with her anymore. I can’t have a therapist that makes me feel worthless.

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She is what makes me feel better.

Sadness

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I’ve had my depression a long time. I don’t know of a time I haven’t been sad. I’ve never been the “typical” depressed because I’ve managed work and friends. There isn’t a typical depressed but many non depressed think that. I write many because not at all every non depressed are like this.

I can laugh and make others laugh. I don’t want to talk about my depression and that gives many the impression I’m well. I’ve been depressed all this time and I’ve encountered lots of know it allers. Especially the “snap out of it” individuals.

A depression isn’t something you can pretend it doesn’t exists. Everyone feels bad from time to time but that often goes away after a while. Feelings of a “easier” depression must be something everyone has experienced. A clinical depression though is another thing. There is some substance missing and it doesn’t go away without help.

The snap out of it “helpers” think a depression is something you only think you have. I’ve heard lots of things from them. They think going on a diet or going for a walk makes you feel better. It doesn’t! If it did there would be no vegetables left in stores and everyone would walk all the time.

A depression can get better if you take care of yourself but what that is only you can decide.

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Cake makes everything easier.

 

Rest

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I’ve been mentally tired for a while. My depression has made me more tired than normal. I’m always tired but recently I’ve been too tired to do anything. That’s when I have mental rests.

Mental rests are what they sound like. I don’t do anything that requires any complicated thinking. I surf around the net or watch stupid tv shows. I often don’t meet anyone during the rests. I often don’t like being around others anyway and when I’m mentally tired I have to be alone.

When you’re depressed or suffer from any mental illness you have to do what is best for you. I used to always be there for others or work overtime whenever it was needed. I never do that anymore. I used to think I had to listen to the most annoying friend go on and on about somethings because that’s what good friends do. Now I’ve instead got rid of these annoying friends (haha not got rid of in that way), which I didn’t like, and only have friends I like. Friends should make you happy! I never work more than I should. I know working overtime makes you a hardworking, but it makes me more depressed.

The most important is to do things that ease the depression. I eat what I want for one thing. I know being on a diet could make you feel better, but I’ve never experienced that. I feel worse if I can’t eat what I want. I’ve tried and it didn’t help. I have to eat lots to feel good mentally and because I exercise a lot I have to give my body fuel.

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Weight

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I`ve lost lots of weight. I don`t mean that in a good way. I`ve been taking less and less of the anti depressant medicine and it shows. I lost my appetite early and it`s gone now. I have to force myself to eat which isn`t easy. Don`t get angry at me all you that are trying to loose weight. I hate being this thin.

I`ve begun eating snacks in the middle of the night. I have an appetite then and snacks are the easiest way to fill me up. It`s crazy but I`m happy I eat something. I get up in my underwear and eat everything that`s unhealthy. Not only snacks, cakes are fine too. I sit in the dark and stuff myself. I have done that sometimes before but now I do it every night.

Today I made a weight gainer dinner. Lots of pasta, butter and cream. I have to get calories where I can and that dinner was filled with it.

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I boiled fresh pasta and onion. I boiled the onion because I wanted it to be soft and not crunchy. The taste doesn`t disappear in the water but it gets milder.

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After the pasta was done I put it in the pan again. I added LOTS of butter. I also added tinned tomatoes and LOTS of cream. The whole thing cooked for a while.

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Delicious.

Laugh

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I’ve had a wonderful week. Not. I’m cutting down on an anti depressant medicine because I will stop take it. I will try another one but you have to stop taking the one you’re on before you can do it. I’ve stopped taking other medicines before but this is the worst one. This week I’ve had every disease there is because of this cutting down process! I’ve had everything from a cold to a fever and haven’t been able to do anything.

Other than that I’ve had a cold for two months. I am tired! I think my forever cold is because my thyroid isn’t working. I used to take medicines because of a my “broken” thyroid but I stopped taking them. Big mistake! You usually have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of your life.

Yesterday I “dropped in”to a doctors office because of my cold. You can drop in if you have a lighter disease you want help with. My cold was too light for them and I booked an appoinment with a doctor later. They will do not only a “cold exam” but also a thyroid exam. Hilarious times at the moment.

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The positive side to this is that my candy obsession is gone.

Candy ban

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I haven’t eaten candy in almost a week! I want to say it’s because I have a strong will but it’s not. I’m changing anti depressant medicine and when you do that you have to stop the one you’re taking. I’m cutting down on the one I’ve been taking for many years. This is the hardest medicine I’ve ever stopped taking. I have flu symtoms and no appetite. That’s the reason I haven’t eaten candy. Good times you think but not for me. I have trouble keeping my weight and loose a lot if I don’t eat.

I have to eat even though I’m not hungry now. I have a good appetite usually but not now. I know many of you don’t think I should complain. “I want to loose weight and would be excited if I wasn’t hungry.”

I’ve always fought to keep my weight and to be too thin is hard. When I meet doctors for the first time they ask if I eat. It feels rude to me. I eat more than I should but can’t put weight on! Now I have no appetite and I’m probably loosing weight right now. The candy I don’t want but food I need. Well.

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