Wanting

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I am crazy mentally tired. It has been hard lately. Having a lousy therapist doesn’t help!

I don’t want to tell you the whole story but I’ve been without a therapist for a long time because of many reasons. I was happy when I got one a while ago. That happiness was short lived. My reasons for meeting with a therapist is to help with my anxiety and the behaviours it creates. This my therapist makes worse!

On all our appointments she has made clear that she doesn’t know if we can work together. I feel she means she doesn’t know if she likes me! I feel like I have to behave like she wants me to otherwise I’m out the door. That makes me angry. A therapist should be there for you and not say they don’t know if you can work together! Yesterday she almost made me cry from frustration. Not because we talked about something hard but because I felt her working against me. When we talk about anxiety her advice is only to cope with it. No advice on how to cope with it just that I have to cope. When you’re doing things to beat behaviours created by anxiety I feel like throwing up and fainting. To not know how to deal with that makes it hard to do. And the anxiety behaviours is the tip of lots of things that has to be treated first.

I’ve decided to not work with her anymore. I can’t have a therapist that makes me feel worthless.

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She is what makes me feel better.

Vegan dinner

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Today I made a vegan dinner. Everything from the pasta to the sauce was vegan. The only part I don’t know if it’s vegan is the wheat flour in the sauce. Haha I know wheat flour isn’t meat but I never see it in vegan recepies. It must have to do with the wheat but I don’t know how. Green pea pasta with mushroom sauce. Green pea pasta! I’ve never tried that. It’s made from only green pea flour.

I don’t know what to think about the pasta. It doesn’t taste much but regular pasta doesn’t taste much either. There wasn’t much pea taste to it. The consistancy was like pasta. It’s supposed to contain much protein and that’s wonderful. If you’re vegan you will like this but I like “normal” pasta better.

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The mushroom sauce was tasty! I don’t know the word for this mushroom, in Sweden it’s called “champinjon”. Anyway I fried the mushrooms (200g) in plantbased butter until they got light brown. I used salt and pepper to give some flavour. Then I added about 1 tbsp wheat flour but use the flour you like! To make it a sauce I added oat milk.

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There is avocado on the plate but I left it there because it was too ripe.

 

Apples

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Easy apple pie.

I like apples for baking. They make everything taste good. The combination of cinnamon and apples is the best.

Today I had apples that were going bad which often happens. Instead of throwing them out I made apple pie. I used the things I had in the kitchen and it tasted good.

There was only three apples but that had to do. I peeled them and cut them in slices. The apples were placed in a oven tin. I mixed the apples with butter, cinnamon and sugar.

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In a bowl I mixed butter, sugar and flour. I used 50 g butter. I poured the mix over the apples.

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The pie baked at 200 C for 30 minutes.

Serve with cream.

 

 

Sadness

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I’ve had my depression a long time. I don’t know of a time I haven’t been sad. I’ve never been the “typical” depressed because I’ve managed work and friends. There isn’t a typical depressed but many non depressed think that. I write many because not at all every non depressed are like this.

I can laugh and make others laugh. I don’t want to talk about my depression and that gives many the impression I’m well. I’ve been depressed all this time and I’ve encountered lots of know it allers. Especially the “snap out of it” individuals.

A depression isn’t something you can pretend it doesn’t exists. Everyone feels bad from time to time but that often goes away after a while. Feelings of a “easier” depression must be something everyone has experienced. A clinical depression though is another thing. There is some substance missing and it doesn’t go away without help.

The snap out of it “helpers” think a depression is something you only think you have. I’ve heard lots of things from them. They think going on a diet or going for a walk makes you feel better. It doesn’t! If it did there would be no vegetables left in stores and everyone would walk all the time.

A depression can get better if you take care of yourself but what that is only you can decide.

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Cake makes everything easier.

 

Salad

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20170526_161858.jpgMake dinner is easy. When you know what to make. I think we all have struggled with what to make. I don’t know many times I’ve been standing in the kitchen looking through every cupboard for ideas.

During the summer I think it’s easier when you can eat salad. Salad is good all year round but it’s best when it’s warm. There’s many variations when it comes to salad. I often make a protein and carb filled salad because otherwise I don’t feel full. I could never only eat salad leafs!

The salad I like at the moment is chicken and pasta salad. I mix pieces of grilled chicken with lemon mayonaise and salt and pepper. That is tasty! The pasta is boiled and mixed with butter and salt and pepper.

The vegetables are fresh spinach, tomatoes, peppers, cucumber, olives and onion.

 

 

 

Rest

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I’ve been mentally tired for a while. My depression has made me more tired than normal. I’m always tired but recently I’ve been too tired to do anything. That’s when I have mental rests.

Mental rests are what they sound like. I don’t do anything that requires any complicated thinking. I surf around the net or watch stupid tv shows. I often don’t meet anyone during the rests. I often don’t like being around others anyway and when I’m mentally tired I have to be alone.

When you’re depressed or suffer from any mental illness you have to do what is best for you. I used to always be there for others or work overtime whenever it was needed. I never do that anymore. I used to think I had to listen to the most annoying friend go on and on about somethings because that’s what good friends do. Now I’ve instead got rid of these annoying friends (haha not got rid of in that way), which I didn’t like, and only have friends I like. Friends should make you happy! I never work more than I should. I know working overtime makes you a hardworking, but it makes me more depressed.

The most important is to do things that ease the depression. I eat what I want for one thing. I know being on a diet could make you feel better, but I’ve never experienced that. I feel worse if I can’t eat what I want. I’ve tried and it didn’t help. I have to eat lots to feel good mentally and because I exercise a lot I have to give my body fuel.

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Cake

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Raspberry cake.

I think raspberries are good in cakes. They have that sharp taste cakes crave. Blueberries are also tasty but they are a bit mild in flavour. I often think frozen raspberries are best because they are even sharper in taste then the fresh berries.

I made raspberry cakes this week. They are called “Sticky raspberry cakes”. I made them thicker than they should be and that made them not sticky but they were delicious. They are easy to make and that`s what`s best about them.

 

 

Ingredients

200 g butter

4 eggs

5 dl sugar

6 dl wheat flour

1 tsp vanilla sugar

Flaked almonds

3 dl frozen berries

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Melt the butter and let it cool.

Stir in the eggs, sugar, vanilla sugar (I put in 2 tsp instead) and flour.

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Spread the batter in an oven tin. The recepy said to use a big one but I used a smaller and I put a baking paper at the bottom of it.

Sprinkle the berries and flaked almonds on top of it. There wasn`t any amount on how much almonds to use. I like almonds and used around 2 dl.

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Bake for 30 minutes at 175 C in the middle of the oven.

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Tasty.

 

Waxes

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I would very much love to have no hair on my legs. I do and I have lots of it. I think summer is hard because sometimes it’s that warm that you have to bare your legs. I could decide not to remove the leg hairs but that would be disrespecting others. The thought of having others be exposed to the dark hairs is not hilarious.

The least favourite way of removing hair is shaving. It’s the fastest way but for me it’s not perfect. I always get rashes and acne like spots on my legs when I shave. I use clean razors but the spots show up. The hair is gone but full of rashes. I’ve tried lots of razors but nothing has been successful.

The best thing is to wax. I’ve had it done at beauty salons and that’s fine but it costs a lot. I would happily pay if waxing removed the hair for all times but it doesn’t. That’s why I do it myself. The professionals do it faster but it doesn’t cost as much when you do it yourself.

There are some waxes to choose from. The most common are “liquid” waxes and wax strips. The liquid waxes come in a container you heat in a microwave. That is the best way to wax but it’s hard if you haven’t waxed before. Liquid wax removes hair better but it can get everywhere. I usually have wax all around me when I wax this way. It drips and sticks to surfaces. The strip wax is best if you’re not used to wax or don’t have much time to do it. It’s not effective when the hair is short.

Strip wax is wax on strips. The strips have wax on them and they stick together “two and two”. You rub your hands on the strips to warm them and then separate them and wax. I used this wax on my recent hair removal. Shelas. They were like all strip waxes but you couldn’t use the strips more than one “pull”. That had me going through many of them.

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Dirty

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20170324_155726I find most tv ads stupid. I don’t know anyone that watches them. Or you watch them but not because you want to. They interrupt the tv show you watch and you have to wait until they end to get to the show again. Or you get some coffee while they’re on. Either or.

I don’t know how the ad makers function. The ads are either boring or unrealistic. They probably have lots of research material to help with the ad process. They know how the public think and act and that makes them come up with “smart” ads.

The most stupid ads has to be the ones involving cleaning things. Cleaning is what most find boring. I don’t know anyone that dances to get to the cleaning supplies on cleaning day. The cleaning ads could make us feel that we want to clean an that their things make it easier to do. What I think when I watch their ads is that the cleaners need help in more ways than one. Often their homes are dirty beyond reasonable dirty. There is dirt everywhere old and new one. On the floor and ceiling. It must be because the ad makers want to show how their things clean everything. One other group of cleaners are those that let their dirty kids go crazy in their clean home. Parents with newly cleaned homes laugh when the kids storm in with dirt flying off them.

Those, especially those with the crazy dirty homes needs a therapist. You don’t need cleaning things you need advice on how not to loose your mind.

Fruit cakes

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Easy fruit cake.

I love cakes with fruit filling. In Sweden almost every cake with whipped cream has fruit in them. That makes the cakes lighter. I usually make fruit fillings when I make cake. Bananas are the best because they make the cakes moist.

I almost never make the actual cake myself. And I almost always use sponge cake as “the cake”. The sponge cakes you buy taste homemade and that`s good enough for me and that`s the reason I don`t bake them myself. I do think homemade cakes taste better but the one I`m using for this cake is good.

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There`s lots of fillings to choose from and it can be hard to decide which will be the best. I think bananas has to be one of the filling. For the cake of the day and for the first layer I mashed two bananas. I mixed them with whipped cream, cocoa powder and sugar. I used unsweetened cocoa powder and it was too bitter without sugar.

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For the second layer I made a raspberry filling. I defrosted frozen raspberries and mixed them with icing sugar. I removed the access liquid and added whipped cream to the mixture.

20170519_174454I put the third sponge layer on the raspberries. I topped it off with whipped cream, raspberries and flaked almond.

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It was very delicious. It was juicy and fruity.